survival

I.

We’ll spend our entire lives trying to survive,

And we’ll do it the best we know how.

We’ll be reckless and tight fisted and angry,

We’ll get so angry.

The hurt will tear us to shreds. It’ll gut us like cattle.

It will push us down and throw us around

And we will cover our heads with our arms and our faces with our hands

Because that is how we are taught to survive,

You protect yourself. You take cover.

We will stay silent when we should yell and yell when we should stay silent

And that is what happens when you can’t remember which kind of bear

You play dead and which kind you fight back, with teeth bared and hands out.

But there are bears everywhere,

making caves in our streets and underneath our homes,

There are bears all around and some of us are yelling

And some of us are too scared to.

We are all just trying to survive.

And we will do so the best we know how.

We will know loss like the back of our hands and the grief

Will change the shape of our faces so much we won’t recognize ourselves.

We’ll age and some will do it gracefully and others will cover themselves

In honey and throw themselves into the caves just to stay young,

But we will all survive it,

We will, because that is what we have been doing for thousands of years.

We’ve been growing and creating and loving recklessly but

loving nonetheless and there isn’t anything that has ever stopped us.

Not the wars. Not the bombs. Not the scars.

The whole world has been a group effort. Look at these skyscrapers.

Look at these museums and the thousands and thousands of Christmas lights on all the trees in New York City.

We have never stopped. Not when the government breaks and then breaks us. Not when the ice caps are melting, when there are forests being destroyed, even by our own hands.

We have never stopped. Even when love turns sour and death sweeps through our town like a black, swirling tornado. Even though

We don’t know how to live in a world where there is so much hurt,

Hurt far deeper and wounds more profound than we can comprehend, we have survived and we will survive again.

Even when we don’t know how to believe in a Universe that wants good things. That loves us despite our self-destruction.

That holds us up and covers us when we are

Trying and trying and trying to salvage our goodness. Our reckless love.

We’ll spend our whole lives this way.

This is the human condition and it is tragic and beautiful to know this.

We’ll spend our entire lives trying to survive the best we know how:

With teeth bared and hands out,

With hearts bleeding the same color as everyone beside us.

purpose

II.

maybe the universe made some people cracked on purpose. you know that aching in your chest that has been there for years, since you can remember, like you came out of the womb with missing insides? what if our brokenness means we have room inside for things other people don’t? like light and love and feelings that go deeper, literally, through our bones and our rib cages and straight to the heart? maybe the universe made us this way because we have to be able to hold on, to harbor the secrets that make the earth keep spinning and the sun keep rising even when the hurt is so heavy we think it will make all the stars turn to ash. but it hasn’t, and it won’t, because we hold just enough of the weight of the world in our cracked bones and hollow spaces to keep everything in balance, to keep us in orbit. maybe we’re the superheroes. the secret keepers, the place god made so sacred that even we don’t know our own value.

every time you feel empty, think of this. you hold pain so that others don’t have to. you are filled up and bursting at the seams with it all, but the sun rises, still, and the world floats in space, spinning us like a quiet lullaby. the universe is always saying thank you. thank you for your sacrifice. thank you for the hurt you take from the world, you make it lighter.

maybe the universe made us cracked on purpose. maybe we’ve never been misfitted, but perfectly made, broken in all the right places. we are the keepers of all the love, all the hurt, all the black holes that seem to consume us from the inside. the moon sits vibrant in the sky tonight. because of us. always because of us.

have you ever felt your heart beat and wondered why the space inside feels too big for it? how it echoes and aches and wallows? well, you’re a part of the universe. it’s inside. no wonder it feels incredibly empty, sometimes dark, sometimes swallowing you whole. you are milky ways and galaxies and star light. your heart is your own home. floating perfectly and beating itself a lullaby. always thanking you for this sacrifice. always thanking you for the hurt you take on. we are special. we are often bruised and cracked and broken. but we are the warriors. the place the universe can go to rest.

tenderness

III.

First, you drink a glass of water.

You can’t go into this weak.

You can’t go into this with dehydrated cells.

You will go into this with fear, and that is okay.

That is normal.

Second, you start at the beginning.

How did you grow up? Who hurt you?

You take note of each scar.

Each abrasion. Each wound.

Third you must hold them in your hands.

You must get to know them personally,

After all, they have been nothing less than a part of you for so long.

Now, you must let go of any anger, all bitterness, all pain.

This means you feel it. This means you press on the wounds until they stop stinging. This means you kiss them, show them tenderness,

Show your body that you care for even the parts that are ugly.

Now look at them. Note what they’ve taught you.

Thank them for the way they’ve shaped and created you-

How because of them, you’ve learned forgiveness.

Because of them, you have depth and know sincerity.

Lastly, you release them to the world.

You always have to believe that the world loves you.

If you don’t trust this, than life will hurt in an unbearable fashion.

Now listen, when you let go of these scars and wounds and abrasions, you will have holes in your heart where they used to be.

Emptiness is often terrifying, uncomfortable, and lonely.

But nothing can grow in a space that is full-

And now you have a room where good things can come and stay.

You must tend to this newfound space with self-love,

Drink lots of water,

Give so much compassion. Give so much authenticity.

Give so much.

You will be whole so, so soon.

You will find that a new world has erupted inside of you, and there is so much to explore. Good things, and bad things, too.

But exciting things, and beautiful things,

A new place for you. A new place for love.

And this is how you start over.

This is how you use tenderness to mend your wounds.

Want to read more? Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/baeleyhathaway/