Ah, Instagram, my favorite social media.
I don't care much about what you have to say, and I can only roll my eyes so much, so Twitter gets a bit old. Facebook is awesome, but my entire extended family is on there ... need I say more? Instagram is perfect because I don't have to like you or even know you to observe your life via photos. Side note: Keep the profiles on public, please ... live life on the edge a little bit. I just want to stalk you back 57 weeks, nothing more.
Here are thoughts we all have when we open up that Instagram app and begin to scroll.
1. Another selfie? Really?
This has got to be the third one this week. The duck face is not cute, BTW. You must get bored a lot because we all know that it took you a solid 50 attempts to capture this one photo. But do you girlfriend, do you.
2. Whoa, he got hot since high school.
What happened to the braces, the acne and the dad bod? I mean, if all of THAT happened to you in just a few years, maybe there is still hope for me. I'm definitely going to slide in your DMs.
3. Seriously, they are the cutest couple.
I love them together. They always look so happy, and they do a lot cool stuff together. It's been, what, two years now? I wonder if they will get married? LOL, single AF over here ... Any takers? Anyone? Awesome.
4. You can't double post on Insta ...
You can post one photo on Instagram a day. That's how it goes. There isn't an official rule book, but if there was, this would be rule No. 1. Only newbies or extremely famous people are allowed to do this. DUH.
5. Wow, that's so pretty.
I mean, I've been to the Grand Canyon, too, but I don't remember it looking like that. I either suck at taking photos or you have a really good camera. Regardless, this picture of the canyons is breathtaking. Kudos to you man. Double tap.
6. Sick GoPro video.
GoPro footage is awesome because you can make almost anything look cool. Take a video of yourself walking down the street, boring. Take it on a GoPro, edit it a bit, and there you have it — a video that makes your life look really cool. And it doubles as a selfie stick, even better.
7. Why does my mom have an Insta? Ugh.
Instagram is a place for me to post the photos I do not post on Facebook, for obvious reasons. Catch my drift? Now that my mom has an Instagram, I have to be careful. And I am not happy. The good thing is, she doesn't really understand how it works and she doesn't go on it very often. I might be safe.
8. My friends aren't allowed to have other friends ...
Oh, so it's a GNO? My invite must have gotten lost in the mail. It looks like it sucks anyways ... I didn't even want to go. And by the way, our friendship is totally over.
9. Serious FOMO right now.
I know it was my choice to not get a job this summer, and I am, therefore, broke, but I hate that I am missing out on all of these music festivals. All of the pictures, the videos, the memories! I'm like the only one not there right now. Ugh, the struggle.
10. No one even looks like that.
So, either Photoshop is your best friend, or you're from another planet. No one is that perfect. You're the same age as me, and if we did a side-by-side, people would surely thing you're 27, and I'm 12. And now the self pity kicks in ...
11. Is that ... is that ... ? Yep, a peace sign.
I, too,know that feeling you get when posing for a photo, and you aren't quite sure what to do with your hands. A peace sign, though? How middle school of you. At least go for the frat point. It's over used, but still socially acceptable.
12. Do you ever smile with your teeth or ...?
I know what your teeth look like. I'm pretty sure you had braces. So, what's the reasoning behind the smirk thing you do in every picture? Is it supposed to be sexy? I am actually confused. It's not attractive, so I'm not sure what your goal is. Are you worried about wrinkles like Kim K?
13. Soft porn on Insta, classy.
YASSS free the nipple, feminism and all of that. But I don't really want to see all of these sexual, half-clothed pics of you. Don't get me wrong, you have a hot body, but you are also my O-chem student-teacher, and I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable.
14. #Allnatural. Really?
Let's not pretend you didn't edit the crap out of this picture. Your teeth are so white they're actually hard to look at, and your eyes are green, not sky blue. A+ for effort on this one, but we all know what you really look like without makeup.
15. Twenty likes in three minutes? Who are you?
You're like, Insta-famous. I just blinked, and you got 11 more likes ... That takes you up to 379 now ... I posted like a super-hot pic of myself last week (at least I thought it was super hot) and only got 150 likes. I'm impressed.
Like I said earlier, Instagram is great. It reminds you how much prettier your friends are than you, how single you are and how boring your life is. As for my ex's current girlfriend, if you could please make your account public, I would greatly appreciate it.
