1. I could totally be on this show.

I just have to get 20 pounds thinner and 10 times cuter and we're good to go.

2. I could never be on this show.

I like pasta and not confronting my feelings, so never mind.

3. Why do they never eat the food?

No one eats on the one-on-one dates. NO ONE.

4. How are they all so fit?

Let's be real, they are all way too attractive.

5. If someone took me up in a helicopter, I would kiss him.

Just looking for a man who would take me on a helicopter ride. Please and thank you.

6. I wonder what my limo entrance would be...

Maybe not a box of dead butterflies.

7. He's so hot.

They never pick an ugly man, that's all I'm sayin'.

8. That chick is crazy.

Who you may ask? All of them.

9. Honestly, if I was there I'd just drink and have a good time.

Free drinks all day, every day. I repeat, free drinks.

10. Wow, that kiss happened fast.

But so does everything in this godforsaken show, so who am I to judge?

11. How could he send HER home?

I get emotionally attached to these girls. You can't just send them home willy-nilly.

12. Where can I find a man that will take me on extravagant dates and wear suits and have a six pack?

*cough cough* Where you at home boy?

13. Are we really going there?

Yep.

14. This is so stupid.

Why am I devoting 3 hours every week to watch girls fight over a dude they barely know just to get a dead flower and a ring they don't pay for?

15. Awww

Ok, ok, it's cute sometimes...

16. I love this. I love everything about this.

I'm here. I'm committed.

17. This is fake.

Almost as fake as the boobs.

18. Oh no, she actually really likes him.

Abort. Abort.

19. What?

This sh** cray.

20. They're going to paradise.

Can't wait. BIP is the best thing to come out of this whole franchise.