Campuses across the country are being terrorized by violent and emotionally damaging acts of dominance brought about by sadistic criminals who show little to no empathy for the social structures which usually protect us from these monsters. I am speaking, of course, about bicyclists. Whether it is a result of their breakneck speed, or the blatant superiority they display as the privileged owners of their esteemed mechanical machines they provide only unrest for those trapped to transportation via legs. Here are five thoughts that keep me awake at night when I am confronted by these two wheeled menaces to society.

5.) You can't fit through there...YOU CAN'T FIT THROUGH THERE, YOU'RE GOING TO HIT THOSE PEOPLE

...I can't believe they fit through there.

4.) That guy is just showing off

Seriously, he's balanced on two wheels at a standstill, and I'm not sure I can even ride a bike at this point. When's the last time I rode a bike?

3.) I wonder how much that bike costs in textbooks

Probably more than I would like to admit.

2.) That was too close

That guy broke my bubble so bad.

1.) I should buy a bike

I could get to class in like half the time, which means I can sleep for so much longer.