Do not worry about the former things. You should not reflect on them any longer. While it is okay to mourn what seems lost, do not wish for it to come back. If you don't open your eyes, you'll miss what's happening right in front of you, and that could be your biggest regret. It's time to let it go.

Phillipians 3:13-16
"Press on towards the goal, forgetting what lies behind and focusing on what lies AHEAD."
Isaiah 43:18-19
"Remember not the former things or consider the ways of the old. I am doing a NEW thing, do you
not perceive it?"

Why can't letting go be as simple as just opening your hands and releasing?

So, I love to write. But I've found myself in this place where I'm stuck. I can't find the words to say. Call it writers block or whatever you please. But, I've been stuck. Stuck in the past. Stuck with my regrets. Stuck on the idea of growing up... The idea of moving on. I'm stuck on what it means to let go.

You know those seasons of life where everything just seems so difficult all the time? Personally I've found those seasons are short lived, only lasting me a week or two. But this season... It's been a long one. I'm talking months of complete confusion and rebuilding.

I'm like most 21 year old girls I would say. I've spent most of my life dreaming of meeting the perfect man, having the most darling little babies, and living happily ever after. Newsflash: that hasn't happened yet. So yeah, of course I struggle wondering if that will ever happen. Of course I walk into a room and wonder if my future hubby is in there. Of course I pin cute baby outfits on Pinterest and already have my babies names picked out.

A year ago I thought I was heading in this direction though. All the pieces seemed to be falling into place when I moved to California and met a guy that quickly became so dear to my heart.

Have you ever been in love? Like you just meet the person and you can't seem to get enough of them. Next thing you know you're doing whatever you can to be near them, and strike up a conversation. You're suddenly dreaming again. Becoming hopeful again. Making plans for your future again. Every love song ever written some how seems to be made just for the two of you. You wake up in the morning feeling like you have some sense of a new purpose. A purpose that makes sense because now your life isn't just about you. Your life is about loving this other person. Every day becomes a little brighter, and more exciting. You'll do anything for them because they've somehow made you feel like you can do anything in the world.

I'm going to get extremely vulnerable here. Maybe I have already been a little too cheesy for your liking. But it's because I believe these words will bring me some kind of healing.

A year ago I was in love, for sure. I was dreaming, hoping, planning, smiling, full of joy and full of love. I've had a lot of false alarms when it comes to love. But this one, I swore was real. I was learning so much about grace, and how to love someone at their lowest of lows. Not only that but I was learning how to accept love even when I felt unlovable. Suddenly everything in my life started to make sense. It was like the pieces were starting to fit together.

I get what you all are thinking, "You're way too young and immature to know what love is." That's OK, I know what I felt. And it was real.

Fast forward a couple months. I quickly learned how hard it is to love someone who's broken. And as you're trying to love someone who's broken, you quickly realize how broken you really are. I once heard from someone close to me that being in love is like holding a mirror close to your face. You somehow start to see every single flaw in yourself. Love brings out this weird, crazy side of us that we've never gotten to see before. Sometimes it's good... But sometimes it's bad. In my case, it was both. I started to discover this side of me that is super caring, and loving. But I also discovered the side of me that's extremely impatient, quick to blame, quick to anger, and TOTALLY wants to be in control of the situation.
No one likes the mirror that shows the flaws. We like the mirrors that make us look slim. Flawless. Not the ones that make our hips look too big and our acne extra red. I was in love, and I was taking an up close look at every single flaw. I hated it.

I began to realize how I so wasn't ready like I thought I was. Love was something that took more effort than I was ready to give, and this was hard for me to accept. I spent so much time in denial thinking it was just a season and I would grow and we would live happily ever after. But we didn't. I became a depressed, anxious person. The complete opposites of the way I started out. I went from hopeful, to hopeless. From dreaming, to throwing my dreams out the window. From loving, to being so focused on myself.

If I've learned one thing in the past couple years it's this: God knows what He's doing, and if He speaks. You must listen. He spoke in more than one way. Warning me in dreams, speaking through other people, and putting things on my heart. I wasn't ready for something like this. He wasn't either.This thing that I had worked so hard to build was crumbling at my feet. It was not meant to be like I thought it was.

Delayed obedience is still disobedience. So I guess you could say I was pretty disobedient. But after a while I finally listened, and I stepped away from the relationship. And then life stopped making sense. I had began to build every dream around this person. I thought I had it all figured out up until that point, but I guess I didn't.

Being in love is beautiful, but falling out of love is messy. I didn't want to deal with cleaning up the mess, so I just left it there to take care of itself. I moved back to San Diego and dove straight into a full time job. I stayed busy even though my heart was throbbing. I went through my days trying to pretend as if nothing had ever happened. And it worked for a while. But all at once life became really cloudy. I guess the mess just got too messy. Building up all at once and then there was just no where else to keep it.

So that leaves me here. I get to choose to continually beat myself up for falling so hard for another human. I could beat myself up for wasting time that could have been spent doing other things. I could miss what I no longer have. I could sit around wishing to have it all back. I could continually run from pain. I could promise myself to never fall in love again. I could simply hide.

Or, I could choose to embrace heartbreak for all the lessons it brings. I could rejoice in all the things God brought to light in that dark season. I could look forward to the future in hopes that God has great things in store even if it doesn't involve falling in love.

I wish I could say I've continually chosen the second option, but too many times I've chosen the first. But that's why I'm a human, and God is God. He continues to show me more grace than deserved, and offers new mercy every morning to choose again.

So I had to write this weird, all over the place, cheesy, vulnerable blog. I had to put all of this into words to finally be thankful for that season of my life. I had to find purpose in it all, so I can finally believe it wasn't all for nothing. I had to share, because I know this is a real thing for more people than just me. I have to let go of the past, or else I'll never see my future. I had to write it all down... So I can really let it go.

I believe God is doing a deep work in me. It's something that needed to be done a while ago, but He's just working every thing out in His timing. Exactly the way it's supposed to be. But I know for sure He has a bright future planned, and I don't want to miss it.

While it's okay to mourn what is lost, we must never let it take control of us. I've let my past do that for too long. I've played the victim... Blamed my pain on every one else, and pretended I've done nothing wrong. But here's to me fully admitting to the fact that I know I'm not perfect. I know I have a lot to work on. But here's another truth- I serve a perfect God who loves me ever so dearly, and wishes to see me succeed.

So my past may look messy, and the present is a little confusing ... But the future, is oh so bright. So I'll press on towards the goal, forgetting what's behind and believing that what's ahead will be beautiful because God will be in it. His promises never change, His Word remains true. No work of His can ever be thwarted.

Even though letting go isn't as easy as opening up your hands and releasing... The process is so much more rewarding.

Be encouraged that God knows exactly what He's doing even if the process doesn't make sense to you. You deserve a beautiful future, no matter how messy your past has been or how messy your present is. God loves you and He wants more than great things for your life so don't settle for mediocre. If your heart is broken, I promise you it won't stay that way forever. I encourage you to look beyond the brokenness and see past the pain, and look for the lesson God is trying to teach you in the midst of it all. It's ok to mourn, it's ok to cry... Pain is real. But healing is coming, you just have to submit to the process.

"If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart." -Oswald Chambers

So here's to letting go, embracing everything God has brought my way, and moving forward into the future that He's set before me.