Most young girls are repeatedly told, whether verbally or visually, that to get anywhere or in order to do anything successfully in life, they have to be beautiful. Women must try their best to wear nice, appropriate clothing, wear minimal, yet well-mastered makeup, and have bodies worthy of a Greek god’s tears. Who needs books, or facts, or rights, when you’re beautiful? After quickly missing this mark, I turned to the second, lesser known option, the one presented in the films I loved. I wanted to be intelligent. Ideally, I’d love to be both beautiful and brilliant, but if that is unattainable, if my appearance won’t attract a man, at least I can try to learn more than those men. If this satisfies only me, that would be enough.

Going through life with this mindset, I pay a lot of my attention to the women in films and books who were admired for their minds. Hermione Granger (Harry Potter), Elizabeth Bennet (Pride and Prejudice), Anne (with an ‘E’) Shirley (Anne of Green Gables), Jo March (Little Women), Beatrice (Much Ado About Nothing)—all of these characters caught my eye. The more I’ve evaluated these characters more, the more I’ve noticed how they are beautiful too, but that isn’t the focus. Is this due to Hollywood thinking only beautiful actors are well-received on screen? Is this a part of the plot? These female characters who focused more on studies also happen to be beautiful and their attractiveness is something for the heroine and hero to discover together. Beauty is so subjective; everyone is attractive to someone. I’ve noticed films I enjoy often influenced me to try to recreate the film's conditions. As a child, I would speak my mind and battle the males in my life. Any romantic relationships I’ve had have been exactly because of this. I don’t think I’ve been attracted to anyone I’ve gotten along with instantaneously or continuously. The boys who challenged me intellectually were the ones I wanted to love. Even amidst unrequited affections, I feel these challenges have made me a better person. They made me want to be more intelligent and more eloquent and more socially aware. I had never realised that gender or race or condition were signs of worth, until I realized my society hadalready done it for me.

I often ponder the psychology of love. There comes a point in these books/films where the characters either realize the feelings they’ve had all along for each other or maybe they just convinced themselves that the feelings are there. I know that love grows over time. Studies also show that anger and love are closely related and can be converted back and forth fairly easily. I know that someone can have an attachment to someone else even without a romantic or sexual relationship, or even without reciprocation. An attachment which is strengthened with every touch, thought, sight, or sound of that person. But the question now stood. Can a person be convinced that they have feelings for someone they otherwise wouldn’t have had? One of Bo Burnham’s songs has the lyric “If you want love, just pick a guy and love him”. Can a person just choose someone and love them enough to receive love back? In The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012), a character says “We accept the love we think we deserve.” Can thinking someone has interest lead a person to evaluate the qualities in another that they hadn’t prior thus opening a door that was previously closed?

I've reached a point in my life, where I want to love someone so much, but I don’t think I’m deserving of the love I give. Besides, I’m not beautiful, and I speak too loudly and too often, and I care more about making people laugh than my appearance. Maybe girls like me only get loved in books. Perhaps I should write a book.