There is something you should know about me. I am a people pleaser. If you are in my life, even 'in passing,' you are important to me, and I want to do just about anything within my power to make you happy. This is something I have not yet grown out of. Here, is a vulnerability that the world has yet to jade me out of. It is beautiful. As a child, it was probably one of my best attributes. "Oh, you're sad? Let me give you one of my favorite stuffed animals to cuddle." Into teenagehood, it was still a good attribute; I still had all the time in the world to give to anyone and everybody. "Oh, you want to hang out? Sure. Let me just put you on the schedule between community service and my other friend." You will find out about me, that my people pleasing nature has very easily transformed into another attribute: the inability to deny people.
To a point, this is a good attribute. It digs into a self-sacrificial nature and does well for those around me. But as I push forward into adulthood, I realize this attribute has its faults. Faults that most people don't notice; points that I, myself, did not notice until I put it under scrutiny. Faults such as:
1. It is tiring.
Something else you should know about me. I am an introvert. This basically means that, opposed to extroverts, I am exhausted from human interactions. Being with other people is emotionally draining to me. Now, this is not to say that I never want to talk to anyone again because you all drain me. Far from that. It is just that there is a certain point when my emotional bank is overdrawn, and I need time to recede into myself (and probably a good book).
Now, knowing this about myself, you would think that I would have "me-time" somehow fitted into my schedule, but that is not the case. Because I cannot say no to you or anyone. So the thing is, I might be tapped out emotionally, but I still feel the moral obligation to make you happy, so I will still hang out or do whatever it is you need/want me to do.
2. It makes me more self-conscious than you would think.
(Introversion aside) Being around people when my emotional bank is full, is wonderful. I love being around those I care being supportive and having good times. But if for some reason I need to make a choice between two people/events it becomes ridiculously difficult. To the point that I will avoid making either choice altogether. Because I'm not good at denying people, I pressure myself into becoming/doing the impossible: being in two places at once, emotionally investing myself in five too many people in a day, etc.
This leads to me being ridiculously self-conscious about every choice that I make. "If I choose X activity over Y activity, then Z person will think I hate them and yadda yadda yadda. " Which is absolutely ridiculous, but because I have lived with these ideals for so long, that is what my decision-making process has boiled down to.
3. I already feel guilty enough saying no to you, please don't add to it.
I am bad at decision making, especially if I feel like I am choosing between people. And because I love you and want to give you the best of myself, I will break my back to do that at times. It may seem simple to you for me to do X, Y, Z, but in reality, I may also be doing Q, R, and S, already and not telling you about it, so you won't feel bad for overburdening me. So if I actually do tell you "no" please trust that I have an excellent reason for doing so, even if you do not see it that way. And even if that is just, "I want to read," it is not that I love "Crime and Punishment" more than you, it is that I cannot handle any more emotional interaction that day.
So if I am at the point where I literallyhave to say "no" to you, please know that I feel bad enough for doing so. I feel absolutely terrible because I have disappointed you. So, even in jest, please do not try to change my mind or guilt trip me into doing anything. Because chances honestly are, that you will succeed. But if you care about me, you'll care that you will succeed at the cost of my mental state.
4. I hear the same five nuggets of wisdom 125 times from everyone I know.
Now, this may not necessarily be a personal fault on my end, but it is still something that this attribute has brought about in my life. On a fairly constant basis, from a variety of people that have only my best interest in mind, I am told things like "you need to prioritize," "you don't need to make everyone happy," "put yourself first sometimes," and, my personal favorite, "just learn to say no sometimes." Now, if you have ever told me any of these things at any time, I first want to say, thank you. Because I know that in your heart of hearts you only want to help me.
But at the same time, I want to say this advice stops being helpful after a while because the issues that come with being a people pleaser and not being able to say no, like being bad at prioritizing and putting myself last at times, are issues that are fundamentally a part of me. So to change them is to change who I am. Don't get me wrong, I know I need to learn to prioritize and just say no sometimes, but I need to learn to do that at my own pace. And while your advice is appreciated, because again, I know you just want to help me grow as a person, there is still that point that it stops helping.
A little disclaimer...
If you read this and said, "oh crap, I didn't know these things, I should apologize." Don't. I did not want to write this to make anyone feel bad or guilty about any interactions you've ever had with me. I understand you didn't know these things. Hence, why I wrote the article. Just do me a favor (and a favor to everyone else you know who can't say no) keep these things in mind. And just understand that there's something a little different about the mental processes of those of us who cannot seem to deny anyone.
