I am not going to lie to you--because we don't do that here on the internet--but I need to get something off my chest. I hate genies.
Now, now, now, before you get all upset with me and say something about how genies are really the embodiment of our greed as human beings or something else profound, let me just say that the whole thing doesn't make sense. I have two main issues with genies--and don't worry, this isn't going to be a five paragraph essay. This is just going to be me venting about the whole conspiracy.
Issue 1: They are in lamps.
True story: when I first wrote "they are in lamps" I accidentally wrote "they are in lambs." No, that didn't have any relevance but I felt the need to say it. So back to the whole golden lamp thing, why are they in lamps that look like this, this or this?
If I was a magical being that could grant wishes I would first of all grant myself the wish of living somewhere that at least has two bedrooms. Then I would wish for fried chicken being negative calories--oh God, that would be great. So, why are genies are in these lamps that possibly had some sort of other thing in it?
Also, this is where the real issue comes into place. Why do you have to rub the lamp? Isn't it kinda prostitution for me to give a handy to a lamp to get three wishes? Just a thought.
Issue 2: They give you the literal wish
How many shows do that thing where someone wishes for something then they get their literal wish? Too many that's how many. Like someone will wish that they can sing well, but because all genies are these creatures that like to just play English Grammar and semantics, that person can only sing the word "well."
Genies are actually Ross Geller.
You know what I mean right, like I know this sounds crazy, probably because it is and this doesn't keep you up at night like it does me, but why are genies so mean? Were they bullied in school? Did they coin the phrase "be careful what you wish for?" Are they mad that they are able to make people happy by granting them wishes?
What can we do about this?
Fear not, there are actually a few solutions to this problem. The first, and probably the easiest solution, is put the lamp down. We've seen how it works out in many forms of media, it never leads to anything good. So, why--honestly why--are you going to play with fire? It is the easiest form of avoiding conflict.
Don't be an addict, rub something else.
Now, I know that genies are only fictional, but they stem from a place of reality. The first solution can only be implemented in pieces of fiction, but there is a way that we can get rid of the whole realistic element to it. Pull a Legend of Zelda, act as Link, and smash em like they're pots.
I know that this article is really weird, and I would like to lie and say that this is actually an allegory for something more important, but it isn't.
