It had just hit three, and my mind was fried. It felt like the PBIO textbook I’d been studying from had clamped its pages around my head until it left singe marks. All I wanted to do was crawl in bed, forget my worries, snuggle with my Sven the reindeer stuffed animal (yes, I own one), and watch Christmas movies.
And of course, I picked the ever so classic "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer." I knew it was going to be a wild ride when I cried out of pure nostalgia and happiness as the title sequence appeared on the screen.
Then my thoughts began.....
I don't understand why you find this little guy so repulsive. I want him.
Another thing I'm thinkin' here.... what the hell is this elf making? You think that's something a child can play with? Looks hazardous.
Not only that, I'm gonna go ahead and say this was pretty aggressive. Not gonna lie, this is how I feel when someone elbows me in a crowded bar. That's a power move, little elf.
"From now on we won't let Rudolph join in any reindeer games, right?"
Dude, you're an adult. Shape up, sir.
Then there was the part I relate to in ways I can't describe.
"I'm independent!"
*Life crashes*
When someone says "Pizza's here!"
Then Rudolph's friends are mean as hell and he runs away with a dentist. I guess that's the way to go. Do you know how much dentists make?
"How would you like to be a spotted elephant?"
At this point, I'm sitting up in my bed screaming: "Can I have you, you perfect adorable little spotted ball of clay?"
Mom, Dad? I know what I want for Christmas.
I'm not even sure how I'm supposed to feel about this.... but I don't like it.
When I realized the cowboy not only rode an ostrich, but he rode a drunk ostrich.
I quickly decided I didn't appreciate the Charlie in the Box after he sobbed about his name. You could go by Chuck, Charles, or Larry for all I care and you'd still be creepy.
...and still stuck in a box.
*When you open a pack of gum and suddenly you're everyone's best friend*
Oh my god he's back and wearing a hat please marry me.
When you have a little too much eggnog...
Miley Cyrus made an appearance real quick (like a wrecking ball)
There's always that one guys who gets too dang handsy... back up, hairy. Gimme some room to breath.
When you find out you have an exam tomorrow and you didn't study....
The gang returns home and suddenly everyone is friends and the world is right again.
"They started to realize, maybe...they were a little hard on Rudolph."
Maybe you were a little hard on him? You discriminated against him for the color of his nose so that he ran away for years and almost got eaten alive!
But as long as you feel a little bad.
Then *cue Adele* someone shows up to the party out of the blue and definitely uninvited.
But it's OK. We forgive him for trying to eat Rudolph. Because, man! Can he put a star on top of a tree!
So after the whole movie, I've made my comments, laughed at some snide remarks, and pointed out the remarkable things we can relate to. It doesn't matter what I say during the film though, because at the end, I'll say the same thing I said when I was five.
"Best. Christmas. Movie. Ever."
Merry Christmas from your college student awake at 3:00 A.M.
