I feel like we often times get so wrapped up in leaving for college and starting a new chapter in our lives, we don't realize what all comes with it. College looks like this beautiful Christmas package, wrapped up in gorgeous paper with a cute bow on top. Don't get me wrong, college is great but college is hard. In fact, college wasn't at all what I expected it to be and, I suppose, that's the reality of life.

Life often says, "Hey, this is going to be great!" Then, three months later, life shows you just how not-so-great it can actually be. To those who went to college and lost themselves, you're not alone. When you first started, you knew exactly who you were, what you wanted to be and where you wanted to go. Then, reality set in and life took your plans and turned them completely upside down. Now you're stressed, tired and physically having to make yourself go to class.

This isn't how college is supposed to be, is it?

The answer is no. It isn't. College is supposed to be some of the best years of your life. You'll gain experiences in college that you may not have gotten otherwise. You're going to make new friends and meet some of the most amazing people. You'll be so interested in their stories, you may feel inadequate when it comes time to tells yours. You'll try new things. Some of you may join a sorority or a fraternity. The quiet guy in high school might be the guy that parties every weekend. The wild girl from high school may settle down and graduate with honors. Some of you might even find the love of your life.

What I'm coming to realize is, if you don't know who you are when you start college, chances are you'll know by the time you finish. Even if you think you know who are as you enter into college, you may quickly learn you don't actually know yourself at all. You can easily find yourself in a place or a situation that the person you knew yourself as would never even dream of going to in the first place. You may watch yourself turn into someone you don't even know and this will become ever clear to you as you look into your mirror.

I remember leaving community college for university and I couldn't wait! It was the most exciting thing I'd ever done in my life, next to going to Haiti. I was getting my own apartment and was moving a little over and hour away from home. I couldn't wait. Freedom and fun times were calling my name and it was so close I could almost taste it. I moved into my apartment during the summer and it was great. I was busy all the time, came home on the weekends, got to work with the best children and didn't really get lonely.

Then summer, and my job, ended and college began. I was so excited the first week of classes, but by the end of the first month, I realized how much I hated it. I was taking fifteen hours, working two school jobs and decided to throw sorority life in on top of that. Life quickly showed me how it was too much to handle. Before I knew it, I was sleeping through alarms and missing classes. I dropped a class and quit one of my paying jobs. I began failing my math class and I'm not sure if it's going to recover.

I also found myself running down the steps of Derryberry to my new home in Delta Gamma. I joined a sorority so I could feel I belonged somewhere, to feel like I wasn't alone. The people I've met and the memories I've made are things I could never thank DeeGee enough for. But if I'm being honest with you and with myself, it was a lot more than I could handle and I even considered resigning before initiation. That day, I went back and forth internally with myself.

Who are you? You aren't the sorority type.

Who are you? You're not a girl who fails classes.

Who are you? You aren't the person who gives up.

Who are you?

I was terrified. I had become someone I no longer recognized, someone I don't know if I'm proud of. On top of all the stress I'd been feeling, my depression and my anxiety began to come back and hit me full force. I rarely slept. I probably wasn't eating like I should. I hated leaving my house. I just wanted to hide under the covers and ignore the world. I wanted an escape.

I write all this to say college will question you. College will challenge you. College can take your plans and dreams and put you on a path you no longer recognize. This is one of the scariest things because everything is different, nothing is the same.

So to the person who went to college and discovered they lost themselves, if I could tell you anything I would tell you it's okay.

I would tell you if you need to skip a class because you can't face the world, it's okay. Make sure you eat. Drink some water. Go take a hot shower or a bath, it helps. If you feel you need to take a semester off, do it. It's okay if it puts you behind. I'm doing it and I will have seven months to work and figure out what I want for my life.

You're young, you know? I know it's hard. I know some days it feels like it might kill you, like life is too heavy. It's okay to admit that. It's healthy. Surround yourself with people who love you, encourage you and build you up. You will need them on the bad days when you aren't yourself or on the times you give up. They'll be there.

You have this glorious life in front of you to live. No one can dictate your story except for you. No one can tell you what chapter to write next or how your ending will go. You decide.

So, if you don't know who you are or if you lost yourself along the way, it's okay. You don't have to have everything figured out, even though you swear you do. It's okay to not know. It's okay to take a step back and take care of yourself.

You'll find out who you are.

Sincerely,

The Girl Who Lost Herself in College