Having a big heart can be trouble. Saying "yes" isn't always the best option. Being there for people does NOT mean they'll be there in return. The consistent feeling of being needed and wanted was a beautiful feeling. A relief, really. It was so nice to call all of these people my "friends," then, I realized. It's easy to be used and even easy to realize that the hard part is changing it. I got so sick of hearing "if they're only your friend for that, then they aren't a friend at all." My friends were genuine. These people wanted to be around me, for me. It took a while, but finally my eyes realized what was really going on.
Those of you who have used me, I wanted you to know a few things about me now:
I am no longer being used. One day, it became too much. Something clicked. I will still cherish our memories and times we had, but I will no longer cherish the friendship. Any trust is broken. Maybe you didn't realize what you were doing, but I did, right when I needed to. I refuse to extend myself to unfathomable lengths when some wouldn't give me the smallest inch. I refuse to let you make me feel guilty for putting myself first, on occasion. I refuse to ask for your help and advice.
I put myself first. See, there is a difference in being selfish, and independent. I will always give until my heart is empty, but not to a bottomless vase. I take care of myself so I can take care of others when they need, not with their ever desire. I have more time to fix my own issues, rather than fixing yours for you. I don't rely on others for my happiness, I create it myself.
I will always be here for you, but what good would I be if I can't take care of myself, first?
I'm content. I do miss the feeling of appreciation from all the things I used to do, but I get that feelin' in a whole other light now. I see it in peoples actions, in the way they trust and confide in me. I see it in how they do things for me, without asking, and without intent of retaliation. I never wanted things in return, and that caused the mess. Now, I still don't expect thing in return, but I've learned that life has a certain way of paying me back for the things I do, and that is better than any gift anyone could give to me.
In this, I hope you learn to appreciate the small things. Life isn't a fairy tale and not all friendships are as perfect as Hollywood makes them out to be. With this in mind, realizing what really matters is the best part of growing up. Learning to appreciate people and not the things they do or what you receive from them, will lead to a happier life, and fuller heart.
I will always have a spot in my heart for you, anytime you need...But no longer a spot on my back for your foot prints.
