Dear whom may it concern,
I never fully understood why I was never good enough for you. I never understood why you didn't stay. I always thought that it was me. I thought that I was the reason you left and that I was not worthy of being loved. I felt depressed and I felt horrible about myself. I always thought I would be better off if I disappeared because no one would miss me.
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This all started with the one man who should always be there for you. Every girl looks up to her dad but I could never say that. My dad, due to unfortunate circumstances, was out of my life at 4 years old. I never fully understood why he would make a decision to ruin his family. I always looked forward to our calls, so I could tell him all about my day. After awhile those calls stopped, I didn't get phone calls or birthday calls. Then years later he started emailing me and the last email I received was how proud he was that I would be going to college. That was the last time I heard from him. He passed away September 25, 2012, from an aneurysm.
After my dad had passed away, all I had was my mom left, besides other family. She was the one that I would count on even though I never really counted on my father. My mom was my best friend, I was always close to her. So when she started dating and moved in with her boyfriend, it was a surprise. I moved in with her but after a couple of months and he was the one she paid attention to all the time so I moved in with my family who I knew would always have my back. My mom never called or texted unless it was to check on my grandpa. When he died, it was like we didn't exist. She doesn't call or text unless I call or text her first. She is my mother, she should always be there. You always need your mother but I guess she didn't remember that she needed hers when she had nowhere to live. Feeling like my mother doesn't care haunts me every day. How is the one person who loves you no matter what, just forget you exist? At first, it bothered me a lot but now I am much stronger because of it and I have such an amazing family who will always be there for me.
Family abandonment is really hard to go through but what if you're abandoned by guys you thought you would spend a lot of time with. I have dated a lot of people in my life and I have learned so much but a certain two guys destroyed me as a person. The first one would be my ex, who I dated for almost two years. During these almost two years, I lost both my grandparents and was dealing with things with Mom. He was there for my grandma, in a way, I could never imagine but he never fully understood me or my family. We fought constantly about stupid stuff, sex mostly. He was just never really there, in the way I needed him to be. So as more stuff piled on in my life, the more we argued, I pushed him away. I thought if he loved me, he would fight harder to be with me, instead, he gave up. We broke up a couple of weeks shy of our two-year mark and I later found out he started dating again. Not only did he start dating again, he was dating a friend. This is when I start to think what was wrong with me? What does she have that I don't? My friends told me I was better without him. I didn't believe that; I was in love with him or so I thought. How can you just forget about someone you spent most of your time with. Over time I realized how better off I was without him. Don't get me wrong he is a great friend, but not as a boyfriend.
While going through this breakup, I thought since he started dating why shouldn't I. A friend of mine, who I had a crush on for awhile, just broke up with his girlfriend. I know that you should never go for someone who just ended a relationship. This was the perfect opportunity to start dating. We started flirting and the next thing I knew we were dating. I should have known, that he was still hung up over his ex and that I was just a coverup to his real pain and feelings for her. I fell for him and i fell for him hard all while he was still falling for her. I knew he had feelings for her and I stuck around because he had an amazing way to make me feel like he also had feelings for me. Then all of a sudden, he breaks up with me and my world shatters once more. I tried to be friends with him until he flips on me. He told me that she is better than me and such. Telling a girl that your current girlfriend or your ex is better than you isn't something you should do. I started to wonder what was wrong with me. I started to think I was a horrible person and that nobody would love me.
Despite all these heartbreaks and feeling of abandonment, I feel great. I have learned that if they are meant to be in my life they would. There isn't anything wrong with me. I am perfect the way I am and one day I will find someone who will love me for me. I have learned so much about myself and the people who are in my life are the ones who deserve to be here for all my ups and down. Thank you to the friends and family who have always been there and never left. The ones who bring me up when I am down. Those are the people who matter not the ones who do not want to be there. I am beautiful and pretty amazing and if you don't feel that way, don't let the door hit you on the way out.
