I'm a pretty lucky person. All my life I've been nothing but fortunate; nothing really bad has ever happened to me. Yet, for some reason, I'm super anxious. I get into these weird funks where I become inappropriately emotional and neurotic. I don't even know who I am at those times, because I am certainly not Macie, a girl who is usually happy and outgoing and likes to make other people feel better. I've met plenty of other people who get like this, but some of them have been through some kind of trauma. I'm literally anxious by predisposition. It's biological for me. I've had pretty bad bouts of anxiety in the past and quite frankly, they suck.

Over the past few months I've slipped back into an anxious state that hasn't been pleasant for me or anyone around me to deal with. I'm always sad about something or creating a problem that doesn't exist, and never enjoying the moment. When I think rationally, I kind of have to laugh at myself. I've been so ridiculous over the past few months. Sometimes I wish I could take all of my actions back, but that would not be right. I learned something from them and to be honest, I'm glad they happened now instead of later on in my life. I'm still young and am lucky to be figuring out these issues now.

Here are some of the things I've done over the past few months that my rational brain now thinks are crazy.

Black and white thinking

When I get anxious, I get into this "all or nothing" or "black and white" mindset. When the human mind is in this mindset, it enables a "fight or flight" reaction. That's when our instincts kick in, and we have no time to think about the decisions we make. This is when we get impulsive and stupid. I can certainly tell you I've had problems with impulse. I react to everything as if it is a threat to me, and I let that reaction take over. And, wow, I have done some stupid things. To me, that black and white thinking process enables me to label anything that happens as either completely catastrophic or absolutely wonderful, with no middle ground. But the truth is, life is never just black and white. Most life events contain aspects of both good and bad, but anxious people tend to look at life in absolutes.

Catastrophizing

This is a big issue for me. Catastrophizing is the irrational thought process of believing things are worse than they actually are, or looking ahead and thinking of everything that will go wrong in the future. This totally goes along with black and white thinking, and I am guilty of both. In those times of intense anxiety, I like to feel bad for myself and sit around saying things like, This is the most unhappy I've ever been or I'm never going to feel better. How could I ever actually think that that's true? I've spent the last few months thinking that I am going through the hardest time of my life, and in conclusion have labeled myself a failure and disappointment for absolutely no reason. Things were never as bad as I made them seem.

Romanticizing

Like catastrophizing, I tend to romanticize the events that have occurred in my past as being better than they were. I'll look back and think, Wow, that was the best time in my life, I was so happy, it'll never be like that again. What the heck Macie, really? I can tell you something pretty funny about those times that I look back on so fondly. They weren't all rainbows and sunshine. At some points in that era of my life I thought was so perfect, I was sad. I had moments of doubt. I like to forget about those feelings and act like nothing was going wrong at the time, when in reality, they were.

Trying to fix everything and everyone

I've made mistakes in the past few months (and in my entire life), but so has everyone else. I've always been some one who thinks I can fix things when life goes wrong. However, when I get super anxious, I tend to feel like if I do one thing, it will solve everything. Or if I say one thing to someone, it will fix the rift or problem we have. In reality, life isn't like that. Things and people don't heal overnight and it takes time. Plus, it can't be one person doing all of the work. I have tried so hard to win people back over by giving them everything I have and hoping that that would set things straight right then and there. But not everyone heals at the same pace. It took me a while to realize it, but the best way to fix a problem is to give it time. In my efforts to try and fix things so quickly I have almost made things worse.

Crying

It is almost amazing to me that my tear ducts have not run dry yet. I have spent the past few months crying and crying and crying. And for what? Who knows anymore. All those tears were so pointless. It became so normal to see me crying that literally no one was phased by it. It's time for me to stop crying over everything.

Fearing

Anxiety brings on a lot of fear. I have created in my own head so much for me to be scared of. Over the past few months, I have feared for my life. I have feared for the lives of others. I have feared for my relationships with people, my wellbeing, my grades, my friends and family, my future. I have feared for absolutely nothing as well. I feared that because I was so unhappy at that present moment there was no way I would ever be happy again and my whole life would just continue to be a series of failures and sadness.

Thinking I needed someone else

I had a lot of trouble learning how to be happy on my own, because I put all my happiness into someone else. I know I am not alone in thinking that I needed someone, as everyone does at times. But the truth is, people need food and water. We don't need another person to live and be happy, but instead we want them. So many times I thought I wouldn't be able to carry on without this someone I longed for so heavily, and guess what? I'm still breathing. I'm still here.

Complaining

These past few months have been hard on me, no doubt. So what else is a girl to do but complain about everything? I cannot tell you the amount of times I have gone on and on about such trivial topics that seem so big and important in my own head. I don't want to even imagine how ungrateful I've sounded. I've been feeling bad for myself for no reason. People in the world are dying and going through such horrible things and here I've been complaining about absolutely nothing.

Jumping to conclusions

Sometimes, I just think I have everyone figured out. I think I can read everyone and know exactly what they are thinking at any given moment when I really do not know anything. Sure, I am good at reading people, but I'm not good at predicting their every move. Because I've jumped to so many conclusions, I've gotten myself in trouble with people. I've gotten them worked up and annoyed and have made things worse.

Doubting myself

I've always been super intuitive. I usually know what is best for me if I am thinking rationally, but when I'm anxious I begin to doubt myself. There are some decisions I've made where I look back and think, That was a stupid choice to make. Now look at you, you're miserable because of it. No, that's not true. I'm miserable because I have sat here for months punishing myself and telling myself how awful I am because of some stupid things I've made up in my own head. I thought I was so worthless and didn't deserve to have people who cared about me and blah blah blah. Things started to go awry for me when I began to second guess the choices I made, not because of the decision itself.

Not going with the flow

In the past few months I've been so wrapped up and worried about things that I haven't just sat back, cleared my mind, and went with it. It became so normal for me to be anxious about something that I almost didn't feel normal without those worries. I have found myself getting worked over everything, and wasting my time overanalyzing and overthinking things. I haven't lived in the present moment and instead have thought about the future and how I can make everything better right then and there. Things get better in time, and we end up right where we need to be when we relax and enjoy the ride.

In another article I wrote, I talked about how I would never let my anxiety control me again. Well, unfortunately I did and things didn't go so well for awhile. But the truth is, when I sit back and look around, things aren't so bad. Yes, I have anxiety and it's very real, but I'm such a privileged and well off person. I could have it so much worse, so much worse. I have it so easy. I go to a good school, have a great support system, and have a really awesome future ahead of me. The only person that was blind to that for so long was me. All I can do now is reflect and laugh at how ridiculous I was, do everything in my power to learn from what happened so it does not happen ever again, and move on with my life.

Here's a promise to everyone, most importantly myself: These crazy things I've done are in the past, and that is where they will stay.