Hello, I won't waste your time blabbing, so here is #BABA. Enjoy, read it with a friend or read it by yourself and remember that you're gonna die alone.

Amanda,

I have zero food in my apartment and I just ate an entire can of tuna. I thought I would be fine and now I'm not. It's so bad that I'm drafting my will as I also submit to your column (which I love, by the way!). I can't afford groceries, which also means I can't afford hospital care. What should I do?

Kissed by the StarKist Whale, Kenyon College

Bro.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

You have a couple options: you can drink a bottle of ginger ale and hope it goes away. You can make yourself throw up to exorcist the tuna from your body. If you can take a nap and hope it's gone when you wake up.

I like this last option the most:

1. You get to nap

2. If the tuna kills you, at least you died in your sleep

And you have options with this option. You can drink a bottle of ginger ale and vomit AND NAP. It sounds like the end of a bad Saturday night, but it's the best remedy for your tuna troubles.

If you'd like bad guidance for your pressing personal problems, submit them here!