When I reentered the dating world just a little over a year ago I was struck by the very popular app Tinder. Now many of us know it as a ‘hook up’ app with the occasional real relationship resulting from it. Although I am not a ‘hook up’ type of girl, I thought there was no harm in trying to use it. I am not the type to head to bars or party so this was a great alternative for me. I shouldn’t be surprised that most guys aren’t looking for anything serious, and I’m not; I was surprised by the idea that they didn’t even want to get to know me.

I was immediately a ‘nobody’. Every guy (and I say that as 85% of guys, there’s always a few looking for something more) would send the same generic message. They would call me gorgeous, beautiful, pretty, (not a bad start) and then when I responded they would ask to meet. They didn’t care about my goals or passions. They didn’t care if I was their type mentally. They cared about ‘getting it in’ and leaving. This solely struck me, it seems like our lives are even too busy to get to know each other.

I understand we are busy, so we have serious conversations through text when we shouldn’t. I do this a lot, I’ll admit I’m a wuss and so scared to talk face to face. We hide behind a screen for so long that we date behind it. That’s fine and dandy, but dating isn’t something we should rush through. Dating should be taken slow and if it starts behind a screen great, in person great, just so long as it’s taken seriously and not some game we play.

Hooking up seems to be a normal thing in our culture. I say seems to be because it comes up as a social norm, but to me it doesn’t have to be so I don’t assume it to be. If that’s what you’re into that’s totally fine, this isn’t a slam piece about tinder or hooking up. It’s more than anything a question, what happened to dating, courting, romance? Why do we choose hooking up over dating? The amazing thing about dating, not going steady, but dating is that we can date multiple people and learn what we like. I feel like just hooking up doesn’t do that. You don’t know what you love in someone and hate in someone just by that quick one night.

I think most of all I’m writing this piece because I teach/work with middle school girls at my church. These girls find a lot of themselves in social-media, which in itself is scary as is. I don’t want them to grow up and think dating isn’t normal. I want them to see their beauty and know they can take time to find out what they like in a guy. I don’t want them to think they have to be involved in the hook up culture. I think it’s crazy that they are so willing to follow social norms instead of setting their own path.

So, if you’re into hooking up that’s fine

If you prefer date around that’s fine.

If you want 20 cats, pizza, and to be alone that’s fine.

Just if you’re dating, take it slow because it’s an amazing adventure. And if you don’t want to follow a social norm, don’t. You can do anything you want in life.