I absolutely love warm weather. Every time spring comes around, I revel in the warmth after months of winter. I spend nearly every day of my summer at the beach. But with that comes a wardrobe change. I exchange my jeans and sweaters for bathing suits, shorts, and sundresses. I love this in theory. But the second I put summer clothes on, I want to cry.

For my entire life, I have struggled with my weight. I have never liked the way my body looked. When I was younger, I was too skinny. I was really tall but so small and thin that nothing ever fit me. Then around age 14, that all changed. Of course, I remained tall, but I began putting on weight. It never bothered me until my sophomore year of high school. My mother was extremely overweight, so she began going to Weight Watchers. It was really great, she lost over 50 pounds in less than a year. She’s in much better health now. This was all fine until she started picking on me.

I just want to say my mother means well. She’s always been wonderful and supportive. But as I watched her lose weight, my life started to feel like it was out of control. She began dropping not-so-subtle hints that I should start following her diet. I ignored her, thinking everything was fine. Until one day when I looked at my body in the mirror and broke down crying. I hated what I saw, so I eventually gave in.

Beginning to follow a Weight Watchers-like diet isn’t a bad thing. It’s definitely been better for my health overall, and it’s eliminated a lot of junk from my system. I’m not saying that eating healthier is bad, it’s actually a wonderful lifestyle change I would recommend to everyone. But I became obsessive. Eating a piece of pizza or a cookie was a decision I would agonize over for weeks. If I gained even a fraction of a pound, I would scream at myself for being so weak and stupid. It was an incredibly unhealthy mentality.

In three months, I lost about 15 pounds. It was enough that I felt a little better about myself. When I started college, I naturally gained some weight. It wasn’t quite the “freshman 15,” but about 10 pounds. My insecurities all returned again and I spent all of Christmas break hating myself again. The idea of returning to the beach and sunshine filled me with dread instead of excitement.

Now, as May has come around, I’m doing my best to be happier with myself. I still cringe if I catch my legs or stomach in a mirror. But I’m trying to embrace myself and my body. I know I think about it far more than anyone else. This summer, I’m focusing on positivity and self-love, not calories and points. I’m still making an effort to be healthy of course, but I’m not going to let it control my life anymore. Everything is what I make it, so I’m going to make life fun by allowing myself to enjoy it.