I was planning to write about the mainstream topic of the new year's resolutions, when I realized that i'm the last person to be talking about this. I never made resolutions for the new year. At least not the unrealistic resolutions of losing 70 pounds a month, because we both know it isn't happening. Accordingly, I decided to write about a more tangible and important thing that we can start doing. You won't master it in a month, not even two but you eventually will and it will change your life.
I was about 9, I was fighting with my younger sister. The typical way! Pulling each other's hair, screaming and crying until she insulted me. My ego couldn't take it given that i'm the big sister. I decided not to talk to her for as long as i can't tolerate what happened. The ego of a 9-year-old couldn't take the insult, but the heart of a 9-year-old couldn't take the estrangement too. That was when my mom decided to interfere and give me a life lesson that has been dwelling with me ever since. Instead of yelling, punishing or hitting us, she told us an Islamic saying that continued to affect my life a lot later on.
Hamdun al-Qassar, one of the great early Muslims, said, “If a friend among your friends errs, make seventy excuses for them. If your hearts are unable to do this, then know that the shortcoming is in your own selves.” [Imam Bayhaqi, Shu`ab al-Iman, 7.522]
Seventy excuses? That's incredible. How could these early Muslims make 70 excuses for each other when I couldn't even make one for my 7-year-old sister? This saying continued to govern all my life decisions afterwards. The older I got, the harder it became. By giving people excuses, I found that I was settling for less than I deserve and underestimating my own worth. I started thinking that maybe this famous Islamic saying isn't for the 21st century anymore. The humans of the 21st century live their lives with a very fast pace. We don't have time to pause and reflect.
We don't have time to make excuses for each other, excuses that would lead to forgiveness and inner peace. Instead, we find it easier to judge, assume things or just give each other the silent treatment. It's always irked me how this works. I've been raised by the Islamic saying: the 70 excuses. With every little annoying thing that happened in my life, my parents made sure I would think of excuses for others before condemning them. However, this didn't last long. When I walked out of my parents' protective bubble to the real world, it hit me hard how I can't make the numerous excuses anymore...even for the little, trivial details.
Questions like these would hinder the birth of excuses: Why did the professor embarrass me in class in front of everyone? Why did my friends exclude me of their plans that one break? Why did my mom yell at me for spending more time with my dad than her? Why didn't he text me back when it's been 3 days already? Why didn't she see me to say bye before she leaves? If he liked me, why didn't he put in the effort to make it work? Why did my friend spread false rumors about our other friend? Why did she lie? These and hundreds and hundreds of questions always hit me when I try to make excuses for others. To me, they never seem to have an answer, but to the people involved, they may have a lot of answers and explanations, which is exactly what I think is meant by 70 excuses.
It doesn't literally mean 70 excuses. It's more like the forgiving capacity that would take up to 70 excuses. It's the space you're willing to leave for understanding, tolerance and communication. It's the space that is willing to forgive and move on. Being raised by this Islamic saying didn't teach me to make excuses for others. Instead, it taught me forgiveness; forgive and let it go for the sake of inner peace. Forgive because we're all fighting our own hardships and no one needs to add up to these hardships with bitter feelings. After all, I became satisfied with the notion that the 70 excuses is the capacity to accept each other and not read into each other's actions to let this life pass easily and peacefully.
Personally, I think I have the capacity for much less than 70 so this is my new year's resolution: the 70. This is what you may want to start working on as well. Work on your capacity to forgive, let go, understand, accept hoping that this world may get a little better. But if you can literally make at least up to 10 excuses, then disregard this article and keep doing you, because you have a heart of gold.
