My New Years resolution for 2015 was to be myself and to accept myself and I'm doing just that.
For some of you reading this, you may already know. Whether I told you in person or over a phone call that turned into a hot mess, I am about to share something that I never thought would happen in a million years. I'm gay. Over the course of several years I had numerous flings and relations with girls with hopes that the feeling I had would go away. It never did. What I felt was something that scared me and pushed me away from being who I was. I dismissed these thoughts and feelings until I could no longer take it, literally. Last May I woke up in my sleep with my chest so tight I was gasping for air. My mom rushed me up to the hospital where everyone thought I was going into cardiac arrest. I laid hooked up to numerous machines through the course of that night where they monitored every heartbeat, and every move I made. After many tests and hours later they concluded I went through a rough anxiety attack and recommended that I follow up with my doctor and let her know about my visit. I took heed of their advice and scheduled to see my doctor. After explaining to her that I suppressed these feelings since the 7th grade, she decided to go ahead an prescribe me two different medications, one for my anxiety and another for my depression. I knew I was depressed because all I did was sleep and dissociate myself from friends and family but anxiety on top of that? In that moment I knew I finally had enough and needed to come clean.
I first came out to my friend who lived across country last Christmas. Nervous and sweaty as a pig I told her the two words every gay person dreads, "I'm gay". Her overall response was so heartfelt that it had me in tears. Her support is the reason why I'm typing this very article. If it wasn't for her help I surly wouldn't have came out to my close friends and family and for that I couldn't thank you enough. In my darkest moment you gave me light and I found my path, nine months later I am the happiest I have ever been.
I always heard it gets better but never believed it, I'm here to tell closeted gays who are in High School or College, it does. I know how hard it is to open that door and come out to everyone but once you do, you will feel so much better. To the girls I dated, screwed over and used, I am so sorry, I truly am. I was at the darkest point in my life and hope you can forgive me.
Yes I'm gay and no this doesn't change a thing. I am still Josh, the awkward goofball who laughs at just about anything and will help anyone in need. I have accepted myself for who I am and who I want to love in this life and at the end of the day happiness is what matters and happiness is what I found. It's not hi, I'm gay and I'm Josh Dyer, it's hi, I'm Josh Dyer and I so happen to be gay. My sexuality does not define me, it is just a part of me. I lived in constant fear for seven years and I hope and pray with every ounce in my body that no one ever has to do that for that amount of time. Always be yourself, unapologetically, always.
"We're all human, aren't we? Every human life is worth the same, and worth saving" - J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
