Find what you love and let it kill you.
"You have been broken so many times because you always choose to believe the best of people. That is a brave and beautiful flaw to have."
I don't need to write some long paragraph comparing your eyes to stars, or string together sentences about how your touch makes me shiver. Our love was f*cking poetic before I messily scribbled down one word about you. I loved you with every bone in my body and if that isn't poetry, I don't know what is.
I still love the people I've loved. Even if I cross the street to avoid them.
But if I ran into you on the street, this is what I would want to say.
If nothing else, I hope you know that I'm here for you. Even though we want different things. Even though love wasn't enough for you. When you call, I'll answer. When you scream, I'll listen. When you need, I'll give. When it comes to you, I don't know how not to.
We use to love each other before. You used to trace my spine and lighten up my world with your smile. We were perfect back then, but everything was ruined. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to win you back. I just want to exhaust the remaining things about you, inside.
Sometimes I really miss the way your smile felt against my lips, I miss the nights you'd call me and tell me "I just need someone to talk to." I spent every day diving off of buildings just to be the hero that swooped in to save you. I always ended up with more bruises than applauses, but I kept on. Sometimes I miss the way I always felt like I was falling. I could never once catch my breath when I was with you. You took me to a place I haven't quite come back from. But I'm running, because I have told everyone I'm healing and I am; but I still miss your smile and when you said my name it all came back to me, and it didn't hurt. It was just really bittersweet.
I think I should start with an apology, but I think you'll find it sincere. I'm sorry that I couldn't be the first person to kiss you, the first time someone kissed my lips I understood that to love is to be in pain- but my friend had to explain that love shouldn't hurt, it should be painless. The light breeze while you're outside exploring the city during spring kind of feeling. I'm sorry I couldn't be the first person to hold you, the first person to hold my hands said that I shouldn't regret anything or anyone because in this moment? This very second... you wanted it with every part of your being. It doesn't matter in the end, the only thing that matters is the journey. The road that led you to me will ultimately lead you back to yourself. I'm sorry that I won't be the first person to make you feel love. The ocean is a heart and I've been building a sandcastle that's tall enough to seek you out. I'm sorry that I won't be the one you'll show off to your mother. I'm sorry that you'll think about me when sleep is close to impossible.
I've been doing some thinking lately about who I am as a writer and what it means to say I love you. To love someone enough to let them go. To love someone enough to tell them to grow without you. To love someone enough that you're willing to explain the reasons as to why it won't work just yet. To love yourself enough to come to terms with it. One day someone's going to treat you better than I ever will. Love SCREAMS a multidimensional place- I have seen love crash and burn. I have seen love destroy and rebuild. I have seen love light enough to blind us from ever seeing the truth. I have seen a love that is frightening. I have seen terror within the night- because you are only sober if it feels right.
Some words cost us an eternity of apologies. Some feelings never leave us, even if the people do.
One day, some day, something will remind you of me. Your lungs will constrict. Your heart will shatter. And you are going to tell yourself, "I really shouldn't have let her go".
I hope they make you happy. That’s what I’ll say.
