Many people are not able to talk about their past as openly as I do, but that's understandable because for me, it's never been too hard. The past is the past, and since those times I've changed into a better version of myself, and I want to help and inspire others by sharing my hardships. That being said, I'm about to go into new territory, and to say it doesn't make me nervous would be a lie. This isn't about my past. This is what I'm going through now.

"Damn it. Already? I haven't even put clothes on yet!" I thought to myself as I got out of bed this morning. Old addictive thoughts were firing out, one after the other in my mind, as though someone with a machine gun was having a field day in my head. I know what to do to have these thoughts lifted from my mind because I've done it before, and I'm trying, so what's the deal? Well, I'll tell you what I think the deal is, but you'll have to continue reading to find out.

In the past, whenever my thoughts have been like this, I've relapsed. Usually during those times, shit has hit the fan, my life was a mess, things felt like they were falling apart, and I didn't feel like I had any control. However, this is much different. Right now life is great! I love where I live, what I'm doing, and who I'm with, so why is my mind trying to make me go back to the old safety net?

I have come to believe that though I've had years of successful recovery, I was really just unconsciously maintaining my addictive thoughts and behaviors, and keeping them at bay. I got better, and felt free of the illness and obsession, but never truly healed. I think I am in a place in my life where I am ready to dig deeper and truly transcend these old patterns, so they are resurfacing for me to address them properly.

I'm not going to lie, it feels like hell sometimes, but I know this is taking me somewhere beautiful. The deeper you go, the darker it gets, but that's where the best treasures lie. I'm ready to open that treasure chest because I deserve it, and I know the reward would never be as sweet if I didn't have to dig deep... So here I go...