I guess I should thank you because if it weren't for you destroying me, I wouldn't be who I am today. When you left without a single care in the world about the girl you were leaving behind, you broke more than just my heart. You broke me, too. I didn't know who to be without you because there was no me without you. I couldn't remember life before you because before you, there wasn't life. In my mind, I didn't exist without you. What I didn't know then is that I was a better person without you. And even though I lost you, I found myself.
When I found out you were in love with someone else, I was devastated. At least I was until I realized if you had moved on and were happy that it was my turn. So, I met different guys and tried to replace you. I went through a handful of them trying to prove to not just you, but myself that I moved on. That worked until I realized I deserved happiness that wasn't found in another guy. I deserved to find happiness inside myself. Happiness cannot be found when searching for it in another person; it can only be found when you search for it within yourself.
I had to find love some other way. It wasn't by moving on to the next guy I saw. It was falling in love with life again and myself. I had to learn to love myself because you couldn't. I had to fall in love with the things you made me fall out of love with, like writing and reading. I had to find who I used to be before you tore me apart. I made the decision to live my life without you and pour all my energy into things that made me happy. Things like my writing, my education, my friends, and improving myself.
You breaking me was the beginning of me finding who I was meant to be. It took awhile for me to get back on my feet. Sometimes I think I might even stumble once in awhile because of you. And even though I loved you as much as my heart could handle, now I know what I want and what I deserve. What I want and deserve is to be treated with respect. What I deserve is someone who treats me better than you did. I guess in a way I should say thank you for treating me like last month's garbage because now I know I shouldn't be treated like that. I truly believe that time is the only thing that can heal our deepest wounds. I also believe that if you try to speed up the healing process, you'll never truly let go of the ones that have hurt you.
I told myself after you ended things that I would never fall in love again. I would never date again. I would never get married. I banished all thoughts of a relationship because of you. I'm starting to realize that not everything crashes and burns like we did. Some things are meant to last forever, and some things are meant to teach you a lesson. You were the biggest lesson I learned. You taught me what a toxic relationship was like. More importantly, you taught me that no matter how much I love someone that sometimes, they aren't good for me.
So I met someone who doesn't treat me like you did. He's nice to me and never leaves me wondering how he feels about me. He doesn't keep secrets from me. He doesn't spew venomous words at me. He doesn't make me cry like you did. He doesn't stab me in the heart and ask me why I'm bleeding. He does the opposite of all that. He cares about me. He reminds me how wonderful I am. He tells me how he feels and doesn't make me figure it out. It's never a game with him. And for the first time in three years, you don't come to mind.
Whenever I would meet someone new, you would always creep into the back of my mind and remind me that relationships don't last and nothing lasts forever. I didn't hear your voice this time. I don't hear your voice haunting me anymore and reminding me of how unloveable I am. It's silent now. I almost feel at peace. It's like my feelings and hurt have finally died. I think that's what acceptance is like. It's when you finally stop clinging to that voice inside your head of who hurt you.
So this is a shout-out to you, my ex. Thank you for destroying me, because now I'm a better person. Who I am today is a stronger and wiser person, because you broke my heart.
