Over the countless sleepless nights, and miserable, angry days, I've grown to know the pain that comes with death all too well.

Before your passing, I thought I understood death. I thought I understood how to grieve, and how to deal with the life that comes after death. I viewed death as the ending stage to someone's life, potentially a beginning for one in another. I had always been the type of griever to help another; never expecting, or needing, another person's assistance with my personal thoughts. I thought of death as a time to help others, a time to give thanks for all we have had, and a time to remember what we have lost. I thought I knew death.

I knew nothing until I lost you.

Days go by as if time as slowed, and months feel as if they have changed into years. Some days seem to collide with one another, and what was, is no longer what is. Losing you has taught me more than I ever thought I would have known. Death has taught me pain, the type of pain nothing will ease.

The pain has been continuous, but changing over time. The initial screams and cries for you turned into sleepless nights of thoughts trying to change what already has been done. Regret filled tears consumed my days as I lashed out in anger for never taking the opportunity to say goodbye, though I would not have known it was. I could have seen you one last time as you had wished. My heart aches from the words not spoke. I looked for the future, but I have learned tomorrow is never promised. I have found myself wanting nothing but solidarity, and struggling to find comfort within a life that does not seem to fit.

I've found myself asking, "What do I do now?”, but I know I will never receive the response I want from you.

Memories are now more than memories, for those memories are all that there ever will be. Death has taught me someone can change your life forever. As I think back to the time where your presence engulfed me, I've learned that all you have done for me, with me, and even to me, was because you loved me. You were not just another face in the crowd, or a person facing life with an optimistic attitude. You were a someone who despite all the hardships and battles faced, believed there was a meaning to life; a world could be a better place if you made it better. I’ve learned that just like you helped change me, you did so for others. I’ve learned that every memory is a lesson you wished to teach me. I took for granted the times that seemed so minor, only to realize since you are gone, they were the most important. The nights we spent talking, helping me see the truth within life, were nights you loved the most. You helped me realize my worth, my belonging, without having to say that was your intent to do so. For it was not too long ago you looked me in the eye and told me I deserved the world. And I finally believed you.

People have told me the grieving would not last forever, but right now it seems it will. Perhaps I will simply get used to it, or maybe I will accept the fact you are gone. Both seem very unlikely, though. As others continue on with their lives, I find myself lost, and wanting nothing of what I use to. As I lie awake thinking of the life that was, I can only begin to recognize painfully I never understood heartache so deep. I’m trying to figure out how to live once again with this pain that feels as if I am carrying two tons on my chest. I’ve learned that death is not just a story ending, it’s just the beginning of pain yet suffered. The pain has yet to ease. I’ve learned that grieving is a path I must take at my pace.

Your death has changed me.

I do not believe I will view life ever the same. For how could life be the same without you? How could life ever be the same after enduring grief that has left you broken? For the only thing, I have found slight, if any comfort within my sorrow, is believing somehow you still are here with me. I’ve been struggling to come to grips with the life that now is, wondering if you’d be angry with the person I’ve become. My heart has changed with the pain, and my conceptions of the world will forever be altered. If life is so wonderful, then why must it be cut short for the ones who are loved the most? The petty details which once consumed my life are now meaningless, and within me lies a deeper desire, more profound need, of something more than what has been. For what we have consumed hours of our lives into, now means nothing. All we need within life lies right before us, and we fail to realize it until we lose everything.

It seems silly to think I once cried at the sorrow of words exchanged, for something that seemed so painfully, healed within days. This pain, this pain I am enduring now, could go on forever. I’ve come to learn the truth about death, and death is not easy as it seems. Though life feels at a standstill, it continues, and will always change. Like life, I suppose this pain will continue, and change as it already has. When? I won’t ever be too sure. Though your death has taught me some of the unspeakable nightmares we do not tell our children about, some things I don't know if I will ever learn.

Your death has taught me more than I have learned in the short twenty years of my life. Countless of actions taken, and untaken, have left me speechless at the life that lies in front of me. I know of all the lessons you taught me, but I do not believe you wanted to teach me about death. You never wished for anyone to be in pain, especially not this. You didn’t mean to teach me this. As I carry you within my heart, I know a part of you will be forever with me. The pain eases at the thought of you being here with me, and part of me wishes to live believing you still are by my side. I hope you walk by my side until we meet again, for I hope to live like you are. As the pain continues, and the rollercoaster of emotions my mind aimlessly rides on, I can only begin to express all that I now know.

Every life is a gift. Yours, even more than one. I was one of the very few people, in a world of billions to have someone whom I was able to love enough to create this amount of pain. For someone to be such significance in not just mine, but so many others, proves you were more than a gift - you were meant to change the world. I’ve learned when someone like this enters your life; you must hold on to them. Don’t let them stray due to minor details, and let them know what their presence means to your life whenever you get the chance. If you love someone, tell them before the opportunity is taken from you. Don’t hope and wait for a brighter better tomorrow, because today may be your last goodnight. You may dream of being on a beach tomorrow, but you’ll find yourself in the cold hard rain when you wake. The only regrets that will keep you awake at night are those of the words unsaid, chances not taken, and dreams unfulfilled. This, death has taught me.