Going back to school in itself is an arduous and daunting task. After weeks of awakening at noon, I woke up at 6 AM. The entrance into the end has passed, and I'm still not even emotionally ready to walk through the door, again, and again, and again, quite so ad nauseam. But I did reflect a bit on my last first day of high school, and there are 3 things I realized I'd already learned.
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1. The subway (and everything else) is still crowded, so get there early.
I left extra early in the morning just to reach the school bright and early when it opens at a bit past 7:30. Even then, there was already a good amount of students amassing in the courtyard, and I'm glad they opened the floodgates before anything too drastic came about.
Even though I was earlier than I needed to be, especially considering homeroom would begin at 8:20 due to a special schedule, the train was particularly packed despite not being quite rush hour yet. Some of my friends whom I saw waiting on the platform for the 4 actually couldn't all fit into the train car.
And that's a regular thing. Unless you get there early.
I've literally been shoved into train cars before, like an extra sock into a suitcase. And I've ridden in trains packed enough to constrict breathing just a little too much, with everyone held standing up by force of friction alone, incapable of even falling over because there's always someone there. It's incredible uncomfortable, I have to say.
So that's one of the major reasons why I scramble so much to be early.
2. The definition of a friend is very loose.
Something I sometimes forget is that everybody in my graduating class is on the same boat when summer ends. We've watched our upperclassmen friends leave, and we're finally upgrading to the green senior tables in the senior section of the cafeteria. It's a very inclusive kind of exclusive. I just sat down at the table I knew the most people sitting in. Suddenly, more people joined in. A few minutes later, as I voraciously appreciated having a lunch period this year, I laughed with both old acquaintances and new ones.
Surrounding me were people I've dealt with, with varying degrees of satisfaction. But give me enough time with any of them, especially on a day like today, and I'm sure I can at least tentatively call them a friend. The people I pass in the halls and greet sometimes are the best kind of people to have around sometimes because there's always something new to learn about them. There's always a conversation to be had, and I cherish knowing I can trust these people to reach out to me, too.
So I'm happy I have close friends, but I'm also really happy I do have people around who are only acquaintances. There's so much potential for dynamics and change and growth of something more. I can't help but smile. Not every friend is a soulmate. Some are just good people. And that's more than enough.
3. Nothing is stopping you.
During chorus, I surveyed the room and saw so few of my friends' faces. Those I recognized were just that much more dear to me for it. Looking out onto a new set of people has the dangerous potential to be either so claustrophobic or so liberating. I turned to people I haven't even spoken to often these past 3 years, and smiled just because we share the fact that we are remnants that can finally be brought up to the surface to shine in the sun. But it's not simply that we find some solace and comfort in recognizing someone. We can make new friends. There is nothing stopping us from strengthening the bonds we have and making new ones. That seems incredibly obvious and yet, I only realized it how true it was during lunch.
Nothing is stopping me from anything. I could sleep in all of my classes or I could actually really try and keep everything on track. I could actively try to get ahead, or I could just not. Nothing is stopping me either way. Nothing was ever stopping me.
I decided that I would try to impress my AP Calculus AB teacher this year, and I ended up answering so many times she just stopped calling on me in order to get the rest of the class to participate. That was a good time.
My friend was complaining to me about how she always has one teacher that ruins her entire year. She lugged herself to school already dreading everything once more, not even willing to take a chance on her teachers and even herself. She brought herself into the school with her focus already on how she wishes she could change her schedule if only to avoid a "curse" of sorts that she thinks seems to torment her schedule eternally. But I don't think she's even giving herself enough credit. She's been able to pull through, albeit struggling. She should understand how she can actively study rather than spend that time relaxing, and though I really am reluctant to do so - lots of people are, by nature - it's worth it in the long run.
Nothing is stopping her from even asking for help, but herself. And I hope she understands that power she has over herself.
I learned today that I seriously want to make this year count.
