For those who say professional wrestling is just a form of primitive entertainment, they clearly have no idea how much depth this "fake fighting" show actually has. From the simplicity of "bad guys" versus "good guys" to the philosophical life lessons that this strange art form has taught me, there is definitely more to this show. In light of last week being professional wrestling's Super Bowl-like extravaganza "WWE WrestleMania Week," I thought it would only be fitting to explain at least some of the life lessons that professional wrestling taught me while growing up in the prime of this sports entertainment product: The 1990s.

1. I Can Be A Sexy Boy Without Being A Boy Toy

I learned from this era of professional wrestling that it was possible to be a "sexy boy," yet not be looked at as a "piece of meat boy toy." Yes, I'm going to be a sexual dynamo when I walk into the room, but I'm going to be a sexual dynamo who controls all the cards! As the revered Heartbreak Kid's theme song declares, "I'm just a sexy boy. Sexy boy. I'm not your boy toy." Those words couldn't possibly be any more accurate of my lifestyle as a true "sexy boy."

If I want to strip down in the club, I'm going to do it under my discretion, not to the loud jeers of a lady mob surrounding me. My fantasy continues to live on as the "loud jeers of a lady mob" actually just turn out to be the sound of potato chips crunching in my mouth. But hey, I'm not your boy toy.

2. When I Grow Up And Get A Job, I Can Flip My Boss Off And Beat Him Up Too

Maybe the most important life lesson I ever took away from professional wrestling during the 1990s was the spirit of rebellion, questioning society's standards, and KICKING THE BOSS' TEETH DOWN HIS THROAT IF HE LOOKS AT ME IN THE WRONG WAY! If the boss wants to ask me to stay late on a Friday night, PSH! I do what I want when I want, and my plan is to leave this place at 5 p.m. and hit the bar whether you like it or not! And that's the bottom line!

3. I Can Actually Smell What I'm Cooking, And Feverishly Flick My Tongue Back And Forth While Doing It

Have you ever tried to pat your head and rub your tummy at the same time? Hard, isn't it? Well, growing up in the 1990s as a professional wrestling fan blessed me with the ability to not just smell what I'm cooking, but taste what I'm cooking in the air as I stick my tongue out and flick it back and forth. What better skill for a fat guy like myself than to not only smell what I'm cooking, but also be able to taste it BEFORE I EVEN EAT IT. Jenny Craig would make millions selling this technique to her customers!

4. I Can Talk About My Psalms And Talk About John 3:16, But In The End, Austin 3:16 Says I Just Whipped Your, Well...Yeah

I learned from an early age as a professional wrestling fan that if anyone knocks on my door to give unwanted advice and/or pressure to visit their church, all I have to do is tell them I have no desire to learn about Psalms or any other indoctrination they want to demonstrate, because I follow the strict teachings of Austin 3:16.

These said teachings taught me that if anyone does try to capsize me in any way, I, like my beer swallowing raised middle finger mentor, will "stomp a mud hole in them and, yes, I will walk it dry." This lesson taught me and promoted the idea that, no, I will not push my beliefs onto you, but I do expect you to follow that same sentiment towards me. Respect mine and I will respect yours. #truth

5. Beautiful Women Have Puppies Just Bursting From Their Chest

This life lesson was clearly evident when I watched professional wrestling with my girlfriend for the very first time. Growing up in what wrestling fans call "The Attitude Era," which was the span of time during the late 1990s, it was commonplace to hear the color commentator Jerry "The King" Lawler scream out "PUPPIES," when one of the women would come out. Growing up in this era, I just looked over at my girlfriend with a smirk and got ready to pull the crease of my pants out a little bit. My girlfriend at the time, however, was actually getting excited at the thought of puppy dogs coming out through the curtain with these scantily clad women. Only someone who grew up watching wrestling in the 1990s would understand that the only puppies these women are bringing out are the two Mother Nature gave them.

6. I Could Scream "Suck It" While Pointing To My Crotch, And Really Have No Idea What It Actually Means

Let's face it, as a kid growing up during this era of professional wrestling, we had NO IDEA what "Suck It" actually meant. Parents, other kids, teachers, police officers, and anyone that we would confront in our daily lives would be subject to this. By the time I actually found out what this gesture meant, I was already conditioned to do it on a regular basis.

Might as well keep tradition alive! Suck it!

7. As Long As I Have A Little Fat Man Carrying An Urn, I Can Continue To Rise From The Dead

As I age and get closer and closer to that fateful day when I lay down for the last time, I get more and more anxious and nervous about not having this little, small, fat man to walk in front of me with an urn. Professional wrestling taught me that if I could just find my very own bug-eyed, morbidly obese fellow with a high pitched voice and a golden urn, I too could live forever! Oh man, I need to get on that NOW. I can't wait to outlive my great-great-great-great-grandkids.

8. Even If It Is Hard To Admit, Sometimes I Do Screw Myself

Taking responsibility for your own actions is a lesson that many kids don't learn until they are in their late teens, driving a car and graduating from high school. Not me. I learned to take responsibility for my actions at eight years old when WWE Owner Vince McMahon explained that nobody screwed Bret Hart in his match, except Bret Hart. Instead of wanting to place the responsibility on others, I knew from that moment forward that most of my problems in the future would be self-made. Thanks, Vinnie, you made me humble with possible low self-worth.

9. If I Move To Hollywood, My Body Might Turn Gold

I had lived in Ohio for most of my life and throughout my entire childhood, so I had no idea that my skin color could be anything but what it is today, other than a little darker with frequent tanning. But man oh man was I wrong! I learned that even a pale-skinned Dustin Rhodes from Texas could turn COMPLETELY GOLD if he just separated himself from family and moved to Hollywood, California!

Until then I always wanted to move to the Hollywood area, but I would be really nervous to take any job position there now considering my skin color might be in jeopardy! Not only would I be a minority, but I would be maybe the rarest minority in the country. On top of that, as I see this new age of racism in our culture and in our society, NO THANKS!

10. I Can Join An African-American Militant Group, Even If I Am A Nerdy Caucasian Kid From Nebraska

Speaking of racism, my spirit animal might've been this little nerdy Caucasian kid in the audience, who desperately wanted to be in the militant group, "The Nation of Domination." Pro wrestling during this time taught me to be completely color blind and to focus on the message and revolution, rather than the semantics of whether or not my demographic actually fits into this mold. Who knows where I would be in life if I hadn't learned that I can join any movement I want, even if it has no direct correlation with my own life or me at all. Who says I can't join The Black Panther Party or The Jewish Defense League and don't even get me started on all the militant group options I have!

11. I Can Be Hit With A Barbed Wire Baseball Bat, Land On Thumb Tacks, And Be Caught On Fire, Yet Still Survive

Anytime I stub my toe, fall down the stairs, or even the one time I got kidney stones, I think to myself "What Would Mick Foley Do?" This extremely important life lesson taught me not to over exaggerate my own accidents or pain, because somewhere in the world a professional wrestler is falling on thumb tacks or getting hit in the head with a REAL steel chair. It brings everything into perspective when I think of the pain that I could be subject to compared to the incident of falling on the ice that I am actually experiencing.

But hey, at least I know that I can get set on fire and yet still survive! Now I'm curious why my mom wouldn't let me play with matches when I was younger if it wasn't even dangerous! Hmm.

12. It Is Totally Acceptable And Doable To Drink 4 Beers At One Time, Even If I Have To Pour Them Down My Throat

Frat Bros, eat your heart out.

I didn't learn my drinking habits from pledging, I learned from the master himself, Stone Cold Steve Austin. Heh, you can chug two beers at one time? Puhhhleeeze rookie. After years of practice chugging Mountain Dews like the Texas Rattlesnake, I finally put my lifelong skill to good use once I hit college, and I've never looked back since. If you want to start feeling the effects of your drunken stupor at 1 a.m., then go ahead, keep drinking your beers one by one.

But if you're like me and want to get the party started and feel it at 10:30, then "Stone Cold-ing" is your answer. Maybe the most valuable life lesson I learned was being able to handle my liquor and look like a complete idiot at the same time. Don't need a new shirt, because I already came to the party shirtless!

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These life lessons shaped me into the man that I am today, and I have no idea if I would've learned them in any other way than sitting Indian style two feet away from my bedroom TV with a pair of headphones on, so my mom couldn't hear all the profanity and other suggestive themes in the other room. Professional wrestling is more than just two guys fake fighting in their underwear. It's a way of life and an enlightening of an entire generation. Pro wrestling of the 1990s was the epitome of what it was to be "cool" in that time, and I'm just ecstatic that I was able to live through it and learn all these lessons.