Not many triggers in this world evoke my everlasting rage. In fact, there are only 6. This scant handful of items seem to exist exclusively to ruin my day. While not all of these are equal on my list of things I really can’t stand, any and all of them will make me completely irascible for anywhere from 20 minutes to 3 months. Just thinking about them riles me up. The only other thing I can think of that can even come close to making me as mad as these is my mother—and that’s only on very special occasions. So, without further ado, here are the top 6 things that makes this friendly weirdo want to strangle someone:
1. Oddly-Shaped Balloons
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They’re an abomination. If someone gets me a cupcake-shaped balloon for my birthday or a heart-shaped balloon for Valentine’s Day, they’re dead to me. Balloons should be spherical and colorful, a generic background decoration that adds to the ambiance of the room, not some screaming art statement to tie around your wrist and blind you with its reflective material. Not to mention, that strange metallic substance they use to make those balloons are not fun to pop. They don’t give the appropriate burst of sound that regular balloons do. Their only use is for sucking out helium and sounding like a chipmunk, which is fun, but kills your brain cells.
Like with all rules, there are exceptions. My exceptions to the balloon rule are balloon animals, water balloons, and dog balloons that you walk like it’s on a leash. That’s because those fall under the category of “toy,” not balloon.
2. Letting the Microwave Ring Out
Just wait until it gets down to one, then take your stuff out. It’s not that hard. The beeping makes my spine twitch. Growing up, I imagined that the microwave was a bomb, and I had to press the button in time to diffuse it. Now, when I hear it ring out, not only is the sound irritating, but I can’t help but imagine everything exploding. Like, “you’re going to let the bomb go off? Really? Put in some effort.”
3. Itchy tags on clothing
Because then you’re just sitting there all day, trying to focus on your life, but gradually finding yourself becoming consumed by that horrible itching on the back of your neck. Who designs tags to be itchy like that? Communists? Darn cheap summer camp shirts.
4. Adult Life
Why would I want more responsibilities, like driving places, cooking my own food, or shopping for a household vacuum cleaner? I can’t handle that. I’m trying to make a living and pay bills. And I could do without people I looked up to when I was younger going off and making irresponsible choices. Grown-up me finally understands the weight of sorrow and stupidity in the world, but desperately wants to stay optimistic. Adult life—yikes.
5. Lies
If you don’t own up to your mistakes, no one can forgive you, and no one can help you. Lying to cover your struggles can only hurt, not help. Little white lies about where you’ve been or what you’ve done all add up in the end. If they’re so little, why are you hiding the truth? Because you’re afraid someone will worry? No, that’s a reflection of poor trust in a relationship. I also count cheating on schoolwork as lying—it’s academic dishonesty, and shows nothing of good character in you. Maybe it’s because of my Christian faith that I feel so strongly, or my morally conservative upbringing, but I would rather fail than cheat, and I would rather offend someone or be in trouble than lie to someone’s face (This coming from someone who can lie flawlessly until my guilt eats away at me and I confess that I lied a minute later).
6. People Standing up and Leaving while the Pastor is Praying in Chapel
No! Disrespectful heathens! I get that you’ve got things to do and places to be and you don’t really care about God or church, but if you choose to go to this school, then you must agree to its terms! If you’re going to break the rules, at least do it in a way that doesn’t step on your peers. Go roofing or skinny dipping or hot tubbing. Do not get up while the speaker is praying a blessing over you. Even if you don’t believe, stick out that last thirty seconds and receive the blessing being spoken over you, because it’s common courtesy. (@PLNU)
