I grab my coat as I sprint out the door into the rain, my titties flopping because I thought it was nice out enough to not wear a bra.
*Insert '90s record scratch here*
You're probably wondering how I got here.
I woke up to the smell of fresh coffee brewing. The start of a beautiful new spring day. As I pop some toast into the toaster, I refresh my Instagram feed rather than responsibly check the weather app. I slip on a pair of jeans, throw my hair in a ponytail, opt out of the whole bra thing, and slide into my new flats. Suddenly, my day goes backward.
I'm terribly late for the bus, and as I sling open the door, it becomes apparent to me that I neglected to open the shutters and peak at the weather.
IT.
IS.
POURING.
Have you been caught in a similar situation?
Allow me to validate your feelings as I elaborate upon situations I would rather be stuck in than be caught in the rain when expecting a sunny day:
1. Hit my ankle with a scooter.
2. Drink a gallon of grape flavored medicine.
3. Let my dad create my Tinder profile.
4. Have a "punny" bumper sticker.
5. Give up caffeine for a month.
6. Hang out with people who have "wanderlust" in their Instagram bio.
7. Eat dollar store seafood.
8. Eat a meal full of dairy on a first date (I am lactose intolerant.)
9. Drink milk (again lactose intolerant, but also milk is the nastiest drink.)1
0. "Poke" my ex on facebook.
11. Get an infinity sign tattoo.
12. Wear tap shoes to a funeral.
13. Get food poisoning while skydiving.
14. Let Trump's barber style my hair.
15. Read another "open letter to..." on Odyssey.
16. Get eczema on my face.
17. Compete in Olympics gymnastics with no routine or prior experience.
18. Wear socks that have been dipped in honey all day.
19. Meet my significant other's parents for the first time and order an AMF with dinner.
20. Interview for a job and only be able to speak in hashtags.
21. Replace my contact solution with Tapatio.
22. Be a Yankees fan.
23. Go on "Chopped" and make Easy Mac with cut up hot dogs.
24. Laugh like Chanel West Coast.
25. Have my weekend at Coachella be my peak in life.
26. Only be able to use the dog filter any time I use Snapchat.
27. Be the commercial spokesperson for laxatives.
28. Sell my macaroni art outside of the Louvre.
29. Write a college admission essay on how "Fifty Shades of Grey" changed me as a person.
30. Play pin the tail on the donkey with me being the donkey.
31. Exfoliate my skin with a sand blower.
32. Only be able to do the potty dance every time I have to pee.
33. Throw a full-blown temper tantrum in class.
34. Request an Enya song at a club.
35. Request tapioca pudding as a side at nice dinner.
36. Wear white to my sister's wedding (I AM JUST KIDDING SHANNEN! IT'S A JOKE).
37. Soak in a bucket of fish and then dive into the shark exhibit at the aquarium.
38. Take my Honda Civic and go on the show "Pimp My Ride."
39. Have my future daughter go on "Toddlers and Tiaras."
40. Wear Birkenstocks to my wedding.
41. Perform my 8th-grade hip-hop routine in front of a room full of people.
42. Do a keg stand in front of my grandma.
43. Listen to Megan Trainor while hungover.
44. Run out of deodorant on the hottest day of the year.
45. Purposely show my whale tail every day.
46. Marry someone who douses themselves in Axe cologne.
47. Run out of clean panties and detergent at the same time.
48. Get an itch on my right foot while driving.
49. Use bacon grease as moisturizer.
50. Write another one of these "things I'd rather do lists."
The minimum wage is not a living wage.
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