Two months ago my entire life changed. Everyone has either had, or will have, that one magical moment in their life when they realize the thing that's been holding them back was right in front of their face the entire time. For some, the realization comes quicker, but for others like myself it takes time. Two months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of four years, and I have never been happier. I know, some people reading this are probably scrunching up their face and wondering how someone could be so cold hearted. Others are instantly thinking of their significant other wondering if they themselves have ever felt that way, or some may have already clicked off of this article becasue they aren't interested anymore. If you're still here, and want to know what it took to end such a strong commitment, I'm going to tell you just exactly how it was for me.

One day, maybe you've experienced this, maybe not, you wake up and realize something in your life isn't right. Your life isn't following the path you once thought you were destined to follow. In any aspect such as school, work, social, or more. At first though, I couldn't quite tell what difference I was supposed to be making. I knew, and felt in my heart that something in my life just wasn't right. On a Thursday night laying in bed, being ignored by my boyfriend, yet again, that dimly lit bulb in my head started shining brighter than the sun. The anchor holding me back from living my life, the handcuff attached to him, the bond I thought I could never live without snapped. All at once an intense rush of emotions hit me and I suddenly felt small, alone and most of all lost. Could I really have just considered ending what I spent the last four years of my life building? Could I truly crush the person who claimed to love me so much? I had plans with this person, life plans. Marriage, children, futures, both of our futures revolved around the fact that neither of us ever planned on leaving. This was not some year relationship, this was long term, could I really bring myself to throw those years away? Yet, now that the thoughts flooded my mind I couldn't help but begin to think of what my life would be like without him. A strange, yet comforting feeling of happiness tickled my heart. Followed by a cold uncomfortable lost sensation. This person, this human being was my safety. Many people in long term relationships know that safe feeling, when you know you'll always have someone by your side. Sometimes just thinking of losing that feeling in itself is enough to scare someone into staying with someone they don't truly love. That Thursday night was the longest night I've had in awhile. Tossing and turning, emotions raging inside my body and mind. Stay, leave, stay, leave. The few friends I had, had given me advice any sane person would, yet it's my ultimate decision that made the biggest impact on not only him, but myself as well. So many questions infatuated my head I thought it was going to explode. I'm sure some people reading this are aware of these similar feelings for either the same reason, or a similar situation, but for those who haven't let me reassure you they aren't pleasant. As night hours, turned into morning, and morning turned into having to wake up and drag myself to work the rush of emotions never failed to stop. I found myself completing the motions of work, while my body did it's own thing internally. I was supposed to be seeing him that night, but I already knew deep down that, that wasn't going to happen. I had made up my mind. I felt as though I knew all along since the first thought popped into my head, but I convinced myself to be rational, to think before I acted, but as day turned to night and I clocked out of work I knew I was not going to be seeing him that night, or any night in the future again.

As I drove home from work no tears flowed, no feelings of remorse, or confusion filled my head. What filled my head were the thoughts of how happy I was going to be when this was over with. As close as I was to unlocking my heart that had been tucked away all these years I knew the lock was still there. I knew it wasn't going to be easy unlocking and I knew it was only going to get worse before it got better. Again, the out of body feeling took over. I walked into my house, phone in hand, a million thoughts raced through my head. Should I call him? Should I warn him something is up? Should I just drive to his house and tell him? Should I wait another night and sleep on it? Could I even face him knowing that I had been thinking these thoughts? I knew I couldn't text him just yet, I needed time to calm myself down. So I showered. For what felt like hours I stood in the shower and let the steaming hot water wash the disgusting feelings my brain had put on my body. How could I possibly do this to another human being? How could I be such a bitch? So cold hearted? Imagine if the roles were reversed, imagine how that would make me feel. So many horrible thoughts stabbed at my body for that shower I never thought I was going to get out. I may have came to my decision quickly, but it most certainly was not easy. Eventually I managed to turn the shower off and get out. I opened my phone to a text from him asking me if everything is okay. I actually smiled, I know how cold, but everything has been so wrong and twisted in the last twenty-four hours and yet the one person who it revolves around has absolutely no idea. I knew I had to at least let him know that I wanted to talk. Big mistake, because that was all it took.

My body is on edge. This time though, my feelings and thoughts have changed. I'm no longer concerned with how I could do this to another human, I'm concerned with how long it will take before it's over. I'm so ready, I've been ready for a while but it has finally truly hit me. I can't stand another minute living my life like this, and before I can even finish those thoughts it's over. It's over. I have not just closed but forcefully slammed the door shut into the face of the last four years of my life and let me tell you I did it with a huge smile across my face. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I knew it was the right thing to do.

The next morning yet again, new thoughts filled my head, what do I do? How to I even function? I haven't had to be on my own for so long, and that's when I began to feel numb.

News spreads fast in this day and age, so it wasn't long before people started asking questions. What happened? Are you okay? How is he? And many, many, many more. Of course the typical reply is to say, "I'm fine", but those first few weeks and sometimes for others longer you are never really fully fine. I went to sleep at night numb, I woke up in the morning numb, I went to work numb, everything was just numb. I wasn't sad, or upset, just numb. Again I was completing my daily life functions such as work, going to school, driving, but it was more or less my body knowing what to do while the inside of me just felt completely and utterly empty. I knew deep inside I had made the right call for myself, but my body just didn't seem to know how to react. Some people reading know this feeling, some don't but it's quite difficult to describe. You just don't feel anything, you really just aren't sure how to feel about anything. I personally began branching out to friends. I knew I needed support and luckily for me I found it. I met new people within the first two months, and they really did make a difference. Still to this day, rarely, I will lay in bed at night and that feeling will inch its way inside of me. If I go on too long without doing something to keep my mind occupied or I start thinking of him the numbness will creep itself into me, but recently I've been able to force it away. I know I'm stronger and that I did the right thing, it just takes strength to push past it.

Now to the good part, within the first few weeks I was able to go out with friends and get a taste of what I've been missing out on and they were some of the best weeks of my life. Continuously, the thoughts about how I can't believe this is my life right now float in my head, and still to this day I think it. You think and worry about how you will survive by yourself when you are so used to spending every waking second with another person. Personally I was terrified of how I would survive, alone. When you make the right decision though, which I most definitely did, you learn quickly how easy it really is to live with just yourself. You don't need another human to survive, you don't need another person to fuel your happiness. It may take some time to learn how, but you can most certainly make your own happiness on your own.

I know it has only been about two months since this breakup, but they have by far been the best two months of my life. I look back on the last four years and wonder sometimes if they really even happened. The are just a faded memory at this point. Those years helped build me, and break me, but most of all show me how to grow as a human. The last two months however, have showed me that you do not need another person to survive in this world. Especially when the person isn't as great as he makes himself seem. For those in a position where they might have had these thoughts, but pushed them aside, or even made excuses for the person you're with, let me tell you, those thoughts are pushing into your head for a reason. Listen to them and see how you feel, when you feel like it's time to end that chapter in your life usually your thoughts are right. Another thing I learned throughout all of this, is that time does not matter! You can easily be with someone who makes you "fake" happy for years, then run into someone who makes you truly happy in a day. Most importantly, that someone who makes you truly happy can be yourself if you let it happen. As humans in the world we live in, we've been taught we absolutely need someone to be happy, if I followed those rules I'd be miserable. Sometimes, the only way for us to be truly happy is to find ourselves before we let someone else try to interpret who we are.