Noam Chomsky is a well-established academic in linguistics and an outspoken political activist with a perceptive and critical look at American international affairs. His contributions to the field of linguistics are so profound, he is often regarded as the father of modern linguistics. His contributions to United States international affairs are so damning and critical of the nation, he's been essentially dismissed as an anti-patriot and denied publication in many places, including the NY Times for his opposition to U.S. policy. Chomsky's contributions in any field are potent and pervading. A glimpse at the sheer body of work this critical thinker has amassed in his prolific career begs the question: "Is there anything this man wouldn't do?"

As it turns out, yes. Through my own research and personal correspondence with Chomsky, I have determined that, for one reason or another, Noam would not do the following:

1. Fall Privy to Conventional Thinking

Time and again, Chomsky has proven that he is a proponent for independent thinking, despite what is purported and believed by the majority. His own unpopular ideas made him subject to criticism from colleagues and fellow academics, but he has never had any doubts or remorse. He has only stood firmly by his words.

2. Say "Toy Boat" Ten Times, Fast

Despite being lauded for his crucial work and pioneering insight in many fields, some tasks are too large for Noam Chomsky, this tricky tongue twister definitely being one of them. He'd likely end up saying "Trr Bait" by like the third toy boat. To his credit, not a lot of people can do this one. It's a toughie.

3. Watch Shark Tale with me

Shark Tale is the harrowing animated movie about a shark who has to combat his father's projected identity on him being a shark when he's really a nice, kind-hearted soul who happens to be a shark. He meets Will Smith as a charismatic guppy or rainbow fish or something and finds himself in a whirlpool of wacky misadventures and Noam Chomsky won't watch it with me. He flat out refused. But it has an all-star cast I pleaded. No he said. But Noam, it's from the same studio that brought us Shrek! I said. No he said.

4. Qualify for the 2020 Olympics

While it's true that most anything is possible, Noam Chomsky is 87 years old and the possibility of him qualifying for the 2020 summer Olympics in Tokyo is outlandish to say the least. The field of competition alone is staggering. Many people who train their whole lives don't qualify. I'm not even sure what event he would even shoot for. Certainly not anything in Track and Field. Handball maybe? In any case, it's entirely unlikely he would make it.

5. Follow Johnny Cash's Performance At Folsom Prison

Following Johnny Cash's show at Folsom Prison wouldn't be too smart. It'd really harsh Cash's mellow as well as the inmates there. The performance stood just fine on its own. I don't think they would find his work in the field of linguistics to be on the same plane as Cash's performance. Just not a good fit all around! Someone as forward thinking as Noam Chomsky would surely see this as a bad idea.

6. Let me Call Him "Noamy"

Too familiar. We honestly just aren't at that point in our relationship and to jump ahead to that point would be brash and ill-advised. Moreover, it would be easily mistaken for "gnomy" and that'd be cute, sure, but again just way too familiar.

7. Eat all this food in 2 hours

Now 2 hours is certainly a fair bit of time but consider that Noam probably doesn't want all that food and doesn't have much of an appetite at 87. Hell even with three hours on the clock I'd be very surprised. The food sure looks good though, but there's just no way.

8. Trade Lives With Me

The father of modern linguistics and free-speaking radical political activist has sure done well for himself. He's published many books and inspired countless to take arms against a propagated normalized mode of thought. And me? I've done alright. I mean, not great, but also not too bad. I wrote this here article, made honor roll a couple of times, got to Webelos in boy scouts, and have a cool dog named Woody. He's great. Even still, my proposal to Noam was shot down quickly. He asked me Why? I couldn't respond. I felt embarrassed. What a thing to ask Noam Chomsky.