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30 Things I Will Never Do Again

Take it from the expert on dumb behavior.

Kirstin Winke

Sep 06, 2016

Capital University

ADF International

I don’t have much experience of success in my twenty one years of life, but I definitely have someone accumulated a variety of things that I am sure that I will never do again. Here’s a list of 30 things I would highly advise against doing.

Fall asleep on a beach without sunscreen
Test how waterproof a phone really is
Ride a spinning ride after eating lunch
Pierce a genital
Buy a cheap bike lock
Put off a research paper until the last day
Attempt to drink 21 drinks in one night
NOT SAVE MY HOMEWORK BEFORE MY LAPTOP DIES
Pour gasoline on a fire to get it to light
Stop taking an SSRI cold turkey
Beer before liquor…
Go grocery shopping when hungry
Click on something tagged NSFW … at work
Eat collard greens
Date someone out of loneliness and not for love
Attempt to go a whole day at Cedar Point without eating lunch
Enter a wasabi eating contest
Enter a ghost pepper eating contest (IT WAS IN THE SAME WEEK. DID I LEARN? NO)
Take a spin class
Not believe a kid when they say they saw a masked man outside
Visit a cemetery at midnight
Stay with someone who cheats
Polyamory
Work out on empty stomach
Drink 4Loko
"I don't have to write it down, I'll remember!"
Take a caffeine pill
Eat collard greens
Apply Gold Bond to raw thighs
Canoe up a river

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30 Things I Will Never Do Again

Take it from the expert on dumb behavior.

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Sleepovers are not a thing. They're just not.

1. You only ask things once.

2. Seriously, you only ask once.

3. When you do muster up the courage to ask your parents for something, you creep around and wait until they’re in a good mood.

4. Before you get that final yes, you have to go through an interview.

5. If you ever got “the eye,” you knew you were screwed.

6. You were always the first to leave your group of friends when hanging out.

7. If you say you will be home at a certain time, you better be home at that time.

8. Seeing a missed call from your parents sends fear and horror through your veins.

9. If relatives are coming over to the house, your room better be clean.

10. You are careful about what jokes you share with your parents.

11. "You’re not an adult until you turn 18! You can do whatever you want then!"

12. If plans change while you’re out, you better text or call.

13. Don’t talk back. Ever.

14. When you’re called by your full name, you’re in deep trouble.

15. Don’t make them call your name twice.

16. Sleepovers are not a thing.

17. Despite all of these things, you know your parents love you.

For better or for worse

1. Pets

2. Mornings

3. Mistakes

4. Cooking for yourself

5. Hosting

6. Taking care of yourself

7. Holidays

8. Roommates

9. Keeping focused and getting stuff done

10. Cleaning

11. Social life

No, really. I'm not mad. Just hungry.

1. You’re tired of people asking you if you know what “RBF” stands for every time you zone out.

2. You’re constantly using the excuse, “I’m just tired” when people ask you if you’re mad.

3. Or “I’m just thinking.”

4. In fact, you’re rarely ever actually mad.

5. But when you are, people usually can’t tell.

6. You find other people with RBF’s and have to convince yourself that you don’t look like them.

7. You constantly remind yourself, “At least I’m not a psycho.”

Some of your best ideas come through boredom.

1. If the professor is late by one minute, I'm leaving.

2. Oh crap, that's due TODAY?!

3. Can I nap in here?

4. I wonder what they're serving at the cafeteria.

5. How much does my teacher even get paid?

6. How much will I get paid?

7. This is the longest 50 minutes of my life.

8. Maybe if I call mom, she'll give me money.

9. How much do street performers make anyway?

10. Why am I here? I could be a street performer by now.

11. Oh right, I'm not talented.

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