Three years ago my life changed in a way I didn’t know how to handle. Getting that scary phone call from my mom telling me that my grandmother was in the hospital was too much for me to handle. A few days later, I got another phone call in the middle of the night saying that she had passed away. I don’t think I will ever fully be whole again without her here. At that point in my life, I was a Junior in high school. I was stressed about classes, the ACT, and college applications. I didn’t know how to handle this loss, so I guess I just shoved all of my emotions down and focused on my schoolwork. I didn’t cry a lot when it happened, and my family must’ve thought I was heartless. But once I graduated and all that stress had passed, I was finally forced to deal with those emotions. It’s been three years since she’s been gone, but here are some of the things I realized will be different with her gone.

She’ll never get to see me graduate.

She didn’t get to see me get my diploma from high school, and she’ll never get to see me graduate from college and become a teacher. I know she would’ve been so proud of my accomplishments and would’ve been cheering the loudest of all the parents.

She’ll never get to see me get married.

When I think about all the tears she would’ve shed watching me walk down the aisle, it makes me want to crawl in my bed and never come back. Not only for me, but she’ll never get to see my younger sister get married and she wasn’t there for my older sister’s wedding either.

She’ll never get to meet my children.

This one hurts the most. She won’t get to be in the delivery room with me. She won’t get to hold my baby and love them. She won’t get to come to their birthday parties. She won’t get to do anything with them, but the worst part about it is that they won’t get to meet her. She was the most caring person I have ever met, so the fact that my own children won’t get to experience how life was with her in it truly hurts.

She never got to see me get baptized.

Growing up, my nana was a very religious person. She went to church every day that she could, and she just loved to share the word of God to every person she would meet. My siblings and I didn’t go to church a lot, and I really think that hurt her. As we got older, we decided we actually wanted to start going. I got baptized last year, and both of my sisters got baptized this year. I can’t even imagine how big her smile would’ve been watching us make that commitment to God.

It hurts so much to think that she’ll never be in my life again, but I know that she will always be there in memory. My grandmother was one of the sweetest, most giving, and happiest women I have ever met, and it’s still hard for me to believe that the world is no longer being graced by her presence.