Having a beard is a complete blessing. There is nothing better than being able to stroke your own face and feel a full beard of hair. It's fresh, it's rugged, and it's one of the manliest things a man can do aside from being Ron Swanson, of course.
This list is not a complaint of a beard owner (OK, maybe it’s a small one). But please do not utter any of these words to any man with any facial hair. Just don’t.
1. *Food in beard* “It's just a snack for later!”
Said every person I’ve ever eaten with. Seriously, that joke wasn’t funny when I first heard it, and it's just plain annoying now. If you’re going to try and make a beard joke, at least make it funny.
2. “Does it itch?”
It's hair, on your face. Of course, it itches. But the world’s leading scientists have somehow come up with this magical formula known as beard oil. This small bottle of magic does everything possible to keep a thick beard from itching.
3. “What would you look like without a beard?”
If I wanted you to know what I looked like without my beard, I would shave my beard. But plot twist, my beard is on my face, so please don’t ask what I would look like without it. I have one and I don’t plan on shaving it.
4. “Do you have to trim it?”
Does Harrison Ford hate "Star Wars"? It's hair and it grows, so unless you wear a long gray robe and pointy wizard hat, like our friend Gandalf, then yes, it has to be trimmed.
5. “Can I touch it?”
Absolutely freaking not.
6. “I didn’t realize you had a little bit of ginger in you.”
I don’t. I don’t care who you are. If your beard isn’t solid black, there is going to be a small touch of red in your beard. It doesn’t mean I’m ginger.
7. “Do you think I’d be able to grow a beard like that?
I have absolutely no idea. Please do not ask me about your personal grooming habits because I am not you. This is my beard and my beard grows at the rate my beard grows. It does not grow like yours or that guy’s, or Jerry’s down your hall.
8. “Are you just too lazy to shave?”
Just because I prefer sitting around and watching Netflix does not mean I’m lazy. I grew this beard because I could. Don’t call me lazy.
9. “Does your beard keep your face warm?
Does Chewbacca wear clothes? Is he ever cold? Probably not.
10. “Can we put flowers in your beard?!”
No, you may not. Please don’t bother me with such ridiculous requests again.
11. “How long did it take you to grow that?”
Longer than you have the patience for.
