Three months ago, I was sitting in my friend Morgan’s room. We were venting to each other and catching up like we normally do. That was one of my normal summer nights with her. It was July 18th, and I was sitting on my friend’s bed when my phone rang. My aunt was calling me at 11 o’clock at night, which wasn’t like her. I answered the phone and she told me she was outside and that she had to talk to me. I knew something wasn’t right when I opened the door, and my Uncle Jason was standing behind her as she walked towards me. The worst thing I ever had to hear came next. “Your mom passed away tonight. She’s gone.”

I never understood how serious the heroin epidemic had gotten until it took my mom away from me. These past three months I’ve gone through a serious emotional rollercoaster. I questioned God, and his ability to do the right thing. I went through the worst depression I had ever felt in my entire life. I felt alone, no matter how many prayers I got through texts, calls, and messages. I asked myself, why her?

Losing my mom to addiction opened my eyes. It made me learn more about my mom, addiction, and myself. Here are the seven things I've learned:

1. There’s nothing I could have done.

When she passed, I blamed myself for her death. I told myself that I could have done more to save her. I thought that I didn’t love her enough for the both of us. I had so much regret. I regretted not seeing her more, saying “I love you” even when we argued, and so much more. I couldn’t see it as anyone else’s fault but my own. I see now that nothing I said or did could have stopped her from dying. It’s not my fault she died, and this was her fate, as much as I wish it wasn’t. I can’t take back what was said and what wasn’t. Learning to be at peace with myself was one of the hardest lessons I learned.

2. Don’t take anything for granted.

I was so used to my mom being around, whether she was sober or not, that I took her presence for granted. I made up excuses why my friends were more important than that weekly visit to Stepping Stones. I thought, “I’ll see her next week” or “I can always call her”. But that isn’t the case. After getting that phone call, I saw how important that weekly visit was, and how precious life can be. I learned to appreciate life, and realized how quickly it can be taken from you.

3. I learned to hate the addiction, not the addict.

For years, I resented my mom for her choice to choose drugs over her kids. She lost custody of my sisters and me, but made no changes to try and get us back. She would seem to be OK one week, and back to heavily using the next. I said a lot of hurtful things towards her because I blamed her for being an addict. I thought that it was her fault we grew up in homeless shelters and slept on strangers' couches each night. Now, I see that my mom was trying. Her addiction altered her sense of right and wrong and influenced her decisions. I know now that those choices wouldn’t have been made if she was sober. I learned that the mom I saw these past years isn’t the mom I knew as a kid.

4. Addiction is a disease. I don’t care if you think addiction is a choice.

Until you’ve seen how it drains the life from someone, you’ll never know. My mom started using because she was physically and emotionally abused. She was so deep in her depression, but kept it to herself. She was at her lowest point in life and thought there was nothing left to lose. I educated myself on addiction, its effects on the human brain, and body. It is a choice to stick a needle in your arm, yes. But the addiction that follows, is a disease. I know this because once she became addicted, she didn’t have a choice anymore. She didn’t get to decide when to stop using because trying to detox made her so sick that she wished she was dead.

5. It showed me who my real friends were.

I was getting texts from people that used to talk so lowly of me the day before. People were posting on my Facebook who were strangers, while some of the people I thought were my friends didn’t seem to care. I had friends show up to my mom’s celebration of life that cried with me. Those are true friends, and I learned who really will always be there for me.

6. My mom loved me.

I had to go through my mom’s storage unit, and in doing so, I found out things about my mom that I never knew before. My mom had filled out rehab papers that asked her to name things that triggered her to use and things that helped drive her away from drugs. She wrote how her kids were one of the things that reminded her to stay clean another day. She kept pictures of us from when we were babies, and even had a time capsule with a letter addressed to me. I read her journals about how she dreamed of living with us and becoming a family again. These things reminded me of my real mom, not the person who she turned out to be.

7. She is no longer suffering.

I know now that it’s selfish of me to wish she was here still because she was suffering for so many years. She is in Heaven with my nana, Anita. She can love without limits. She doesn’t have suicidal thoughts anymore, and she can feel happy again. I know she is looking down and watching over Maddison, Heaven, and me. I found peace knowing that she doesn’t have to feel the pain she had felt for so many years.

These three months have transformed me as a person, and have forced me to be strong even when I felt I couldn’t. I learned many lessons from the loss of my mom, but I’m forever grateful for the little time I got to spend with her. I’ll always keep her in my heart. I love you mom, you’re finally free.