I'm not sure if having a 'clumsy gene' is a thing, but if it is – I have it. Ever since I was a little girl my family has referred to me as 'a bull in a china shop', which if you're unfamiliar with what the phrase means, it means that it is undeniable that I will run into, drop, or break something everywhere that I go. Now I'm not particularly proud of this trait but is has taught me a lot...
1. Heels are a death wish.
Sure, heels are cute, they make your legs look great, but clumsy girls should literally never go near them. I distinctly remember wearing tall wedged heels for prom, we took pictures on a slight incline and I'm pretty sure I almost broke both ankles at least twice in a five-minute time span.
2. The first step on to an escalator should be done in a cautious manner.
This should be turned into a flashing sign at the top (or bottom) of every escalator. That first step could make or break your neck. I have successfully refrained from any injuries on such mechanism but my heart skips a beat every time I lift my foot for the first step. I should really go knock on some wood now that I have said that.
3. Do not wear fuzzy socks on stairs.
Story Time: I once fell really bad walking down a slick hill and hurt my back, so I was laid up in bed for an entire weekend until I finally got so bored I decided to make my way downstairs. I was wearing fuzzy socks for comfort but they almost cost me my life. About three steps down, the fuzziness was just too much and I slipped the entire rest of the way down my stairs. Never Again. On the plus side though when I got up my back no longer hurt.
4. Bikes are dangerous.
Everyone knows to some extent that bikes aren't the safest things. As kids we all wore a ridiculously big helmet and got our fair share of bumps and bruises from the occasional tip over, but I promise you I learned my lesson the hard way. All I remember is looking behind me at a friend while we raced down hill, the next thing I know I'm flying over my handle bars face first skidding down the road. As I walked in to the house moments later I knew I didn't look good based on my parent's faces, but I was still in shock. Welllll almost two hole fake front teeth and some stellar road burn later, I made it. Still to this day I thank my lucky purple corduroy pants for protecting my legs entirely. Not. One. Scratch.
5. Ice skating is dangerous.
There has not been one ice skating experience that didn't end up on my butt or face on the ice at some point. I just wasn't made for the slippery surfaces.
6. Sledding is dangerous.
Ahh sledding, another sport that involves slippery surfaces, I mean the slipperier the better. We all know that when the snow is packed juuuust right, you can fly down a hill. Well the perfect sledding conditions mixed with my bad steering of a sled ended in me being bent around a metal park bench. Lesson learned.
7. Long hair and birthday candles don't mix well.
8. Pool decks are treacherous surfaces.
I've been a swimmer for years now, so I know that pool decks are slippery. But did that stop me from chest bumping a friend over-joyously, slipping, and smacking my back on the deck? No. There is no celebrating for me on pool decks any more. Save that crap for dry land.
9. If you haven't spilled something today, just wait it will happen.
I seriously can't go a day without spilling something I handle. My water, my food, an entire pan of ramen noodles down the sink. So if I've been having a particularly good day I just have to remind myself that I will ruin something.
10. Do not under any circumstances hold or play with someone's precious belongings.
I once was admiring someones ring in a public bathroom and it slipped from my newly washed hands. Luckily there was a cover over the drain, but CAN YOU IMAGINE?! I would have died a slow death, both physically and financially.
I think personally that being clumsy is my bad luck charm, I can't hide from it so I might as well embrace it.
