My life hasn't always been easy, but no one's life is easy. Through many struggles, we learn things about life and ourselves that could really help us shape the person that we are. I think it's important to share and to voice some things we have learned so we can help others and even to better understand ourselves. This article is nine things I have learned through some tough times in my life and some things I have learned about myself that I wanted to share to hopefully help, inspire, or motivate someone out there.
1. You don't have to have everything figured out.
Everyone has this mindset that you go to school, get a job, go to college and then start your career and do whatever that career is until you can retire or die. Depending on the type of person you are, you'll probably get married and have kids somewhere in between there, too. Somewhere along the line we have decided that this is what makes you successful or happy or something satisfactory, but college doesn't have to be for everyone. Just like jobs, settling down, getting married, having kids, or committing to a career isn't for everyone. I took a year off of school after I graduated high school because I truly believed with all of my heart that it was the best decision for me and only I could make that call. I struggled a lot with family being really disappointed that I didn't go, but I have come to terms with not pleasing them for the sake of my own well-being. I'm only 18, I don't have all the answers, but what I do know is that college doesn't have to be everyone's answer. There is a chance that it's not for me, but I personally won't know that until I try it. A lot of my family didn’t go to college so naturally, they want better for me but that doesn't have to be college. If I or anyone else finds happiness doing something else that can provide you with a lifestyle that you're okay with, then why go to college and be in debt if you're already happy? You have time, so much time, to figure things out. You only have yourself in this life, and you're the only one who has to live with the decisions you make, so make decisions that make you happy. I didn't make anyone happy by not choosing to go to college right away, but I am glad I made that call. I am able to live with that decision, and that's what matters. The possibilities of your life are endless and your decisions don't have to be as big as mine, but you do not, by any means, have to have everything figured out at 18 years old.
2. Be yourself.
I cannot express this enough. I know that people say this all of the time, but it truly is really important to know and understand that it is 100 percent okay to be yourself.
One of the biggest regrets I have in my life is that I wasn't myself for years. I was so afraid to express who I was as a person, to my family and my friends, that I hid behind someone I wasn't, someone who I thought would be accepted by the people in my life.
I knew pretty early in my life, that I was not interested in boys the way I was told I should be, or the way that my friends were. I felt something towards girls that I thought was not supposed to happen so I suppressed all of the feelings I felt so deep down inside of me and didn't let it be known to anyone that I felt that way towards girls. I dated boy after boy growing up, trying to convince myself that if I tried hard enough maybe I could like a boy the way I thought I was supposed to. That's not how it works.
When I was a sophomore in high school, there was this girl that I wanted to be around 24/7. I knew that she was going to the school dance and I wanted to go with her. I felt that me asking her to go would weird her out, ruin our friendship, and maybe ruin all of my other friendships too, as I didn't know how accepting anyone would be of that. So instead of asking her, I went to the school dance with a boy I didn't even like, just so I could go and hang out with her that night. I regret that so much.
I waited until after I graduated high school to let even the slightest hint that I was interested girls be known to anyone. I wish that didn't have to be the case. I wish someone had told me when I was younger that what I was feeling was okay, that liking girls was okay, that I should just be myself. My heart aches for my 12-year-old self, for how confused she was, for how hard she tried to fit in and be like everyone else out of fear that she wouldn't be accepted and that she'd be more alone than she already was. All of the feelings she had were so overwhelming and she just bottled them up and pretended to be interested in things she wasn't, ultimately portraying herself as someone she really wasn't for years. I wish I could go back and tell her what no one else told her; to be herself, and since I can't, I want to tell everyone else that.
Just be yourself. No matter if you're interested in boys or girls, no matter if you think your passion or hobby is nerdy or weird, or whatever your particular case may be - BE YOU. Do exactly what you're passionate about, or be exactly who you want to be. Your story doesn't have to be just like mine to know that it is okay to be yourself. It could be something so small or insignificant that you are trying to hide from the world, but it still is holding you back from being who you are and that could make all the difference. Don't try and put yourself inside of a box to be accepted. Break the mold of who you think you have to be to be accepted, and be the person you want to be. You will find yourself so much happier as a person when you are 100 percent true to yourself, and those who love you will love you exactly as you are. That is SO important to know and understand.
3. Appreciate people.
I think it is really important to tell the people you love and appreciate that you love and appreciate them. This may seem really simple, but sometimes people don't always know that you feel that way, and even if they do, they may not feel like it all of the time. You should remind them. One of the things that is really unsettling to me, is that we often find ourselves talking highly of people when they are not around, or when they have passed away and it is too late to tell them again. I believe we should tell these people when they are alive to hear it, when we can make them smile and make their days still. People who take their lives feel alone, and like no one wants them around, and I'm not saying everyone in your life is contemplating taking their life - maybe no one is and that’s great - but there are people in this world who are contemplating it and maybe they just need to hear that they are wanted, loved, appreciated, and cared for. That could make all of the difference. That could make them want to stay. We shouldn't wait until after people are gone to tell them how lovely they were, or to show up for them. We should be there while they are still here. It doesn't have to be as drastic as someone contemplating taking their life either. We should simply always be appreciative of the people in our lives, and we should always tell those people that we love them just, as a reminder. It's so nice to feel loved and wanted.
4. You have to create your own happiness
...Your own version of happiness. We have come to think that happiness is contingent on whether or not we have a good job, make a lot of money, have a nice house or whatever, but some of that is not possible for every person. We shouldn't be taught to think that if we do things leading up to our future, we could possibly one day be happy. We should be taught to create our own definition of happiness. We should be taught to think that we can be happy now, instead of one day in the future. We should be taught that happiness shouldn't be an end goal, but a day to day goal. Instead of listening to what other people say could lead us to happiness one day - like getting a good job that pays well, or having a nice house - we should make ourselves happy day by day, that way we have longer to be happy. No matter how big or how small an action may be, if it makes you happy today - do it. Travel, go for a walk, buy a puppy, do something nice for someone else, it doesn't matter. If you're happy that day, that’s all that matters. Also, every single day is not going to be a happy day, but if you're living day by day, it's better than having the mindset that if you do everything you're supposed to do according to predetermined societal standards, you might be happy one day. Create your own happiness, whatever that may be, but do it now, before it's too late.
5. People are going to hurt you.
It's a fact. Not everyone in your life is going to treat you, like you put the stars in the sky, but that's okay. Just because these people hurt you, doesn't mean you should shut yourself off from everyone else. You're going to need people. No matter how adamant you are on doing this alone, you're not going to be able to. I am basically an expert on people leaving me, but that's also because I am an expert on pushing people away, and I have learned that even if its just one person, you're going to need someone. You don't have to open yourself up to a village of people, but don't do this alone. We as humans are just simply designed to be needy upon other people. We need someone to cry to, someone to hold us & help us as our whole worlds are crashing down around us, and if we can't do anything about it, we simply just need someone to watch the world crash down with us. Having someone beside you in this life can make all the difference, so don't cut yourself off completely from everyone.
6. Pain will change you, and sometimes that can be a good thing.
Bad things happen to everyone, some more severe than others, but something is going to happen that will put your life on a different path than you expected. You're going to get hurt, your heart will be broken, something is going to cause you pain, but that's okay, as long as you let it make you and not break you. Everyone goes through something that changes them as a person, makes them stronger, makes them more aware of the world they are living in. Most of the time that change is pain. When you get hurt in this life, don't shut everyone out, don't make that pain more toxic and horrible by putting all of the blame on yourself. Letting the pain consume you will only cause things to go down for you, and instead of letting the pain come and go, you will become it. As long as you allow yourself the ability to be changed in a positive way by pain, either in growth as a person, awareness, strength, etc., you will be okay.
7. Walk away
Walk away from people, things, and environments that are toxic to you. There will be people, places, and things that you will want to hold onto with every fiber of your being, and it will be very hard to walk away, but you're going to have to do it. I wish someone would have told me this when I was younger. I let myself be hurt and torn apart by things that were so toxic to my life because I was too afraid to walk away, in fear that I would have nothing left when I let go. That wasn't really ever the case because, it may be cheesy but the phrase "when one door closes, another door opens" is so true. Close the door on the things that you don't like in life, let go of people that are toxic, no matter how hard - because something better will come walking through the door that is about to open for you.
8. You are not your mental illnesses
This one may not apply to everyone, but I still think it's very important to understand. Your mental illnesses do not define who you are as a person, just like a couple bad choices in life do not make you a bad person. Mental illnesses are chemical, they are in your brain, so they are a part of you, yes, but they are not you. I know that sometimes it's really hard to not succumb to your mental illnesses. I know it's hard to separate yourself from your mental illness but your anxieties are not you, your sadness is not you, the number on the scale is not who you are. Your mental illness may try to tell you that you're lazy, fat, or a burden but that is not true. That is not who you are. What is you, is your courage to deal with these mental illnesses. The strength to say, yes I have a mental illness but that mental illness is not me. The will to try your hardest despite your mental illness telling you that you can't do something. You didn't get to make the choice on whether or not you had a mental illness, but you get to make the choice to go above and beyond and be who you are despite them.
9. Baby steps are still steps.
You could take the smallest steps in the world towards what you want, but they're still steps so that is truly all that matters.If you're working towards a goal that you have set, that’s all that matters because you're working on it. Taking steps towards bettering yourself, being okay, or just towards a goal of yours - big or small - is progress and any progress is something you should be proud of. Don't be ashamed or discouraged because you think you're not doing enough to get what you want out of this life. You have time, so much time, and set backs happen but it's okay because baby steps are steps too.
