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50 Things I'd Rather Do Than Move Again

#51 Touch a pregnant woman's belly saying, "Buddha Buddha Buddha."

Em Boening

Aug 08, 2016

UNC Charlotte

191

WordPress

College is a beautiful time in life, full of experiences to last you a lifetime -- the crisp fall air as you walk to class, the muffled cries during exam week and the faint but unmistakable vomit smell in every club bathroom. You learn how to handle your booze (maybe) and not to touch the sleeping student in the library. You will also probably get to move every eight months and somehow, want to die. Every. Single. Time. Here's a long but not comprehensive list of the things I would much rather be doing.

1. Cook a 10 inch thick steak over a lighter.

2. Put that lighter to my eye when I'm done.

3. Walk on a tightrope, wearing a Pride flag and pasties, over a pit of 60-something hyper-conservatives.

4. Kiss a toad with herpes.

5. Ask a Ouija board anything.

6. Click the link Rhonda sent me for some free Viagra.

7. Eat raw, expired meat.

8. Work with Paris Geller on a school project.

9. Put my ear against the speaker for an entire Bassnectar concert.

10. Go free climbing in the deepest part of the Grand Canyon.

11. Give Helen Keller a high five on national TV.

12. Spend the night with Regan from the Exorcist.

13. Tell Emily Gilmore that Pennliyn Lott's house is better decorated.

14. Explain Quantum Physics to Patrick Star.

15. Drive from the North Pole to the South Pole.

16. Build a bridge to drive on from the North Pole to the South Pole.

17. Build an airplane to fly from pole to pole instead.

18. Build the airports to land it at.

19. Read "Aviation and Bridges for Dummies" cover to cover to learn how to do any of that.

20. Carry Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson up eight flights of stairs.

21. Drink an entire bottle of Absinthe.

22. Top it off with another bottle of Moonshine.

23. Then give a concert in Madison Square Garden...

24. ...Naked.

25. Send Hillary Clinton my bank login, SSN and Facebook password by email.

26. Let my 2-year-old niece use my makeup brushes for painting.

27. Go to my wedding in a morphsuit.

28. Cry over micro-penises at a job interview.

29. Give up bread.

30. Break every single one of my toes.

31. Go to the hospital for diarrhea.

32. Introduce a prostitute to my family as my fiancee.

33. Let my dad follow me on Tumblr.

34. Read the dictionary line by line in Yiddish.

35. Pick Donald Trump to judge a bikini contest...

36. ...of overweight women...

37. ...and choose to participate.

38. Convert to Satanism.

39. Sleep on a bed of tacks.

40. Color code Hillary Clinton's pantsuits.

41. Squat and cough.

42. Get a hot sauce enema.

43. Play tennis with Venus and Serena.

44. Play target practice with the NRA...

45. ...as the target.

46. Pet the raccoon in Elf.

47. Give my two-year-old niece a balloon for her birthday...

48. ...and take her to an acupuncture exposition.

49. Put a red sock in the wash with my wedding dress.

50. Change my great grandmother's Depends.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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50 Things I'd Rather Do Than Move Again

#51 Touch a pregnant woman's belly saying, "Buddha Buddha Buddha."

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It's not just business as usual.

Constantly having to dress business formal.

Group projects.

Applying for internships.

Being told your major is easy.

You just want to be rich already.

Explaining to people why you're a business major.

Using LinkedIn like it's Facebook.

You grow up too fast.

Trying way too hard to make a good impression on companies at career fairs.

Many of your professors have foreign accents.

You don't want to graduate, but you know that you're more than ready.

10 things that most incoming college freshmen have no idea about.

Your Schedule

The Library

Time Management

Registration

Housing

The Dining Hall

Teachers

Clubs

High School Friends

Finals

It's not all morning coffees and singing along to the radio.

You can't just go to your room to take a nap in the middle of your classes.

Having to spend all your extra cash on gas for your car.

Speaking of money, you probably don't have a meal plan so you're forced to scrounge up some change or mooch off of your friends.

It can be harder to maintain the friendships you make with people from class.

Finding a parking spot.

It can be harder to be involved on campus because between your one, two, or three jobs and school you don't have much free time.

When you try to be super involved on campus, it can kill your sleep schedule.

It's impossible to do homework at home, but staying on campus isn't an option sometimes.

There are surveys and events that you can't participate in because you're a commuter.

Group projects are the bane of your existence.

Traffic.

Your backpack rivals that of a survivalist trekking in the woods.

Driving all the way to campus to find a note on the door of your classroom saying class was cancelled.

Because have you ever had to endure grilling your foot on a George Foreman?

1. When he just wanted bacon from his George Foreman grill

2. When he had money (and Jan) issues

3. When he got upstaged at Phyllis' wedding

4. When he unintentionally saved Meredith from rabies

5. When he wore a "bisexual" suit

6. When he had to apologize to Jesus

7. When his GPS drove him into a lake

8. When he had to deal with Ryan as his boss

9. When he couldn't fulfill his most generous empty promise

10. When this happened

11. When he struggled with a X-Mas break up

12. When he had to defend his generosity

13. When he threw a classy Christmas party for Holly but she had a boyfriend

14. When he had to stand up to peer pressure

15. When Toby was "Toby-ish"

This isn't just for the single Pringles out there either, folks

Run Around Clanging Pots and Pans in Everyone's Face

Eat the Last Few Pigs in a Blanket

Pop Twelve White Grapes

Burn Something

Smash Things Against a Wall

Spontaneously Begin an Irish Jig

Call Your Mother

Throw a Coffee Table Out a Window

Sing "Auld Lang Syne" at the Top of Your Lungs

Do Some Squats

Swan Dive into a Nearly Freezing Body of Water

Take a Shot

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