My therapist told me to only worry about what things I can change, about what I control. I no longer care for things that I cannot control. I cannot control how people choose to be. I cannot control how they choose to view me in their life, the position they give me. I cannot dwell on things that I cannot change and for the longest time that is what consumed me.
I can change the way I choose to study and the number of hours I give to one calculus problem. I can control how I care for my mental and physical health. I can control if I wear a sweater and then a jacket over it, but not the fact that my quiz is still due at 11:01 p.m. I can change the time I wake up and how I spend my day. I can control the number of times I replay the same sad song because it's my playlist.
I can change the dramatics in my head as to why nothing goes the way I want it. For a split second, it feels like the world is tumbling. Maybe it's not the world, I think, it feels like it's the ground beneath my feet shaking. But in reality, it's not the ground but my head that is spinning and all I see are derivatives and word problems. I should know how to figure the problems out, but I don't.
I can control what happens with my academics and if I am going to that party Friday (you know that frat party that everyone is TOTALLY going to). Sometimes I get too into my head and the world revolves around only me. It's a horrible world until I step back. Yes, the world is horrible, but not only for me.
This is supposed to be my first entry, my debut, and it is. I originally wanted something happy, something enthusiastic, but would I really mean it?
So, this is the first post of an overstressed girl at 11:56 p.m. on Thursday, January 31, who is currently on the ground surrounded by papers, notebooks and is playing The 1975 and 21 Pilots. The same girl who's cramming for her first calculus test that she probably will fail, but it's okay because her professor is going to drop the lowest test grade.
It will be okay. I will be able to breathe. I will finish my work. I will learn how to prioritize. I'll learn to change songs and to fix the things I can. I will learn what is best for me, even if it means learning new habits. I will be better because I can. I used to hide the things I have written, but I think its time to let people explore my the labyrinth of my mind and my unorganized words.
