For some people, its a big step to move in with the person you're really hoping is the one.
There's always those people that feed you horror stories and superstitions, claiming that its a horrible idea. It can be hard to ignore a lot of these opinions. As we grow older, we realize how often serious relationships don't work out and that we still have a lot to learn as far as adulting goes.
No one can really say when the right time to move in together is, but I think our intuitions can usually lead us in the right direction. I personally believe that we should do what feels right to us- what makes us happy. It's not a bad idea to sit down and think about the logistics of it, but at the end of the day, you can do what you want.
In my experience (and there's not exactly a whole lot compared to others), following my intuition was the best choice I've made in my relationship. Moving in together at 18, we knew our situations wasn't going to be easy. But these are just some of the things I've learned from my experience.
1. You need to respect your partner's space.
We're used to being able to use our living space as our own, especially if we've moved out directly from home. Even in a dorm, there's usually an understanding of 'your side' and 'my side'. When you commit to moving in with your person, you also commit to letting your side be their side and vice versa. Just as you want to feel as comfortable in your home, they do too.
2. The commitment is a big one, not going to lie.
The commitment itself to movie in together can be enough to scare away a lot of people. Sometimes that can be a good way to evaluate where a relationship stands in terms of limits. If you and your partner are planning on splitting rent and both being on the lease, it's especially important to be ready to accept your commitment until that lease is up. Otherwise, one of you will be stuck with paying full rent on your own, and both of you will likely be scrambling to find a new roommate.
3. If you feel like you're not ready to move in together, that's okay.
Like I mentioned before, the level of commitment needed to move in together isn't negligible. It's good to understand and respect whatever boundaries you or your partner might have. If you make the decision that it's too soon, that can be a good sign about your commitment to the actual relationship. It speaks a lot about your willingness to stay dedicated to the relationship itself so that it doesn't end up falling apart from making too many decisions when one of you wasn't ready to.
4. Even if you feel like you know them, you'll end up learning more about the your partner.
We can be together for years and still not know everything about our partner. It's actually pretty hard to do that, if you think about it. Even if we think we have a good understanding of who our partner is, what they do in the comfort of their own home gives us a whole new understanding. Sometimes this understanding if for the better. For example, my boyfriend is a lot more willing to do the chores than I thought he would be. But sometimes the understanding can be a little... different (example: you find out your partner doesn't always wash their hands after using the bathroom).
5. A healthy relationship is core to a good experience living together.
We've all known that couple with the constant break-ups and get-back-togethers where both of them clearly don't work together. Then they announce that they've decided to get a place together and you can't help but want to strangle them. You know it will end up in flames, and the chances are they know it will too. Don't be the people in that dysfunctional couple. Have enough respect for yourself to realize when just it's not working even if you're certain you love your partner. Not to be cliche, but if it's meant to be, it will work out at some point. If you think moving in together will fix all of the issues you have with each other, chances are it will only make it worse.
6. Keep your eyes on the prize.
With the new commitment, new responsibilities, new understanding of each other, and other elements of moving in with our partner we're not used to, it's essential to remember why you moved in together in the first place. When money runs short, there never seems to be food in the fridge, or you just keep finding yourself picking up their clothes off the ground, it's hard to not get upset and lash out at your partner. At home, all of our stress from the day gets dragged home with us and can sometimes be added to by even the smallest inconveniences. When the stress builds up and we want to lash out on our partner for not doing the dishes, its essential that we remind ourselves that this is the person we love. That person isn't perfect and we shouldn't do anything to make them feel bad because they really mean a lot to us.
7. It's okay to want time to yourself.
When you spend all day working or studying, you typically can't wait to get home and just do your thing. If we're used to having our own home to go to and just meeting with our partner when we want, it can take some adjustment to sharing our home with them. It's okay to want to just lay in bed on your own and binge watch Grey's Anatomy once in a while.
8. Your partner will also probably wants time to themselves.
If you're anything like me, you might demand attention almost every time you see your partner. You want the comfort and love they give you all the time because let's be honest, sometimes it feels so good that it becomes an addiction to just be with them. I had to realize that my constant need for attention can be exhausting for my boyfriend and that can make him more likely to lash out at me. There's definitely been instances where I just tried to get attention anyway I could until he got overwhelmed and just asked me to leave him alone. I felt like he was getting irritated with me as his girlfriend, but in reality, he was just irritated with feeling like he had to dedicate his own time alone to me.
9. You might feel like your relationship isn't as strong.
We might have been used to only seeing our partner a few times a week or just once a day for a bit. It seemed like every time we saw them, it was the best thing ever because we only had so much time before we had to be apart again. When we go from that to sharing our home with our partner, that longing to see them diminishes a bit because if we really want to see them, all we have to do is go home. That sense of 'i miss them' doesn't necessarily disappear, but it does decrease dramatically because we get to see them more and our love-fix for the day is satisfied.
10. Grocery shopping can take some work to get a handle on.
Believe it or not, grocery shopping was something I had to kind of work at. I was so used to being able to walk in and spend money on the things I thought would be good. This can change when we start shopping for ourselves and for our partner, though. There's been times where I thought a stir fry would be good for dinner, but my boyfriend ended up not even liking stir fry. I usually end up getting a list of what he would like for me to add to the list of things I might like.
11. You might find you two just don't do as much anymore.
Life happens and when we live with our partner, sometimes that means that neither of us have the time or energy to go bowling or go for a hike. I moved in with my boyfriend going into my first year at college. I didn't have the time or the money to explore our new community or to even go to the beach we live by. We've since learned to enjoy the simple things we get to do together. I used to love going out to Culver's for custard with him, but now I enjoy our daily Netflix sessions (no, not the dirty kind) at the end of the day just as much.
12. It's also healthy to go out and do something nice together.
When you don't get the chance to go out as much as you used to, the times you do go out can feel all the more exciting. It might seem like an old-couple thing to do, but setting up a time every week or month to get out of the house and just enjoy something different together can be very helpful in beating any dullness we might be feeling in our lives or even in our relationship. It can also help with budgeting and saving money which is also helpful when finances are shared between the both of you.
13. Apart of settling down in a relationship is a feeling of- well, settling.
There are undoubtably times where we just kind of sit down and really evaluate our life. We compare it to the way things used to be back in the day where we had money and didn't live with our partner. We might look at our new life living with our partner and wonder where that excitement and activity went. Again, living together can come with not being able to go out as much and losing that *spark* from getting to only see your love once in a while. It can make us feel like we're settling for something we shouldn't have to settle for. To be honest, that's apart of the point of moving in together. It's a way of saying 'this is my person and I'm ready to embrace that by accepting to settle down with them'. Moving in with your partner is a settlement in it's own in the sense that we are now committing to a life with them and only them. It's not a bad thing unless you start to really question if this is what you want for yourself. If it's not, that might be a sign it's time to reevaluate living with your partner.
14. You might be amazed by your partners love and support for you.
I've had instances where I want to make a life-changing decision that seems a little radical. We might feel uneasy about it and we might be worried about what our partner will think about it. Sometimes it's because it's just a risky choice or it just might be a choice that will change elements of our life. We know this will ultimately change our partner's life as well, and so it can be unsettling to present our decision to them. I have personally had the best experiences with these situations because I've found time and time again that my boyfriend is willing to support anything I think will be the best for me. He really does want the best for me because that's the kind of selfless love we can share with one another.
15. There will still be disagreements, though.
It's unevitable. I don't want to sugar coat everything as a perfect little world. Every relationship has it's own challenges and the best thing we can do is just be ready to face them head on. A low-quality meme I read on Instagram said that when you're fighting with your partner, it's important to remember that it's the both of you against the problem and not you against each other. Sometimes it can come down to a you versus your partner. Whether it's on how much who should pay for what or on what to eat for dinner, it can still be useful to just try to work through it the best you can.
16. It can feel like there's nowhere to escape to.
If there ever is an altercation that is bad enough to where you just want to take time to yourself, it can be hard to find a place to do this. Before, you could generally just go home and get a break from your partner. You didn't have to worry about who would sleep on the couch or where you could go that they couldn't. Once you start living with your partner, you can't just go home home to avoid them. It can feel like you're trapped in a negative place if you've found yourself in a lover's quarrel. In my experience, my boyfriend and I have never been able to be too upset with one another for more than a night. On those nights, I've never felt the need to find some place else to sleep. Maybe I'm lucky in that sense. Hopefully if someone feels ready to move in with their partner, their relationship is strong enough to not have these issues.
17. Compromise is a great way to work around disagreements.
For the smaller arguments, a lot of times the situation can be handled with a compromise. Sometimes we might feel sure in our ways and don't want to sacrifice anything. This can be felt even more when sharing a home with your partner. By agreeing to let up a little, your partner may also agree to let up a little and before you know it, you've both reached an agreement. This can help alleviate that negative tension that builds up at home when no one can seem to get their way.18. Sometimes, giving in pays off more than attempting to compromise.
Staying in the theme of disagreements, sometimes it means more to accept the things you might not like but that mean a lot to your partner. A lot of moving in together deals with the amount of respect we have for our partner and our concern for their happiness. In moving in together, we make an agreement to be all about our partner and to really dedicate ourselves to each other. By giving in to your boyfriend's request to have friends over despite needing to study for an upcoming test, you display that you truly care about them despite what inconvenience they might put on you. Your partner will probably recognize this and be more appreciative and might even return the favor. This can go such a long way when you're living together because it really helps you both be comfortable and happy with each other despite never really getting a lot of space from them
19. It's easier when you stop holding each other accountable for the small things.
Depending on the relationship, there may have originally had a payback mentality where if she spotted you $5.00 for a sandwich, you paid her back. My boyfriend and I used to do this a bit just as a courtesy thing. When I moved in with him, we still held each other accountable for the more expensive things like rent and utility bills, but we stopped caring so much about the dinner here and the coffee there. It can be stressful enough keeping track of the larger financials, so we save ourselves some stress by not worrying about the smaller things.
