Football and I have an odd relationship. Never really had the interest to join a recreational league, and only begrudgingly joined my cousins in an occasional game of pigskin. The one time I consented to play a football related game outside of a family function, I ended up requiring surgery and two plates in my arm. I had to relearn how to perform basic functions—like going to bathroom—with my left hand. That was miserable.
Of course, not everything about football is bad. Football games during high school were the bomb-diggity, although I wasn’t there for the football. Impromptu football parties thrown by family were pretty stellar. The few college games attended were done so in the spirit of familial or friendly camaraderie, and not because I had any major interest in seeing grown men in some silly, testosterone-fueled contest.
Super Bowl 2018 is about a week away now, and I’m not really that excited for it. Oh, I’ll flock to YouTube the day after to check out all the cool commercials and movie previews. There’s a chance I’ll even tune in the night of the big game, but only for the halftime show. That, too, depends on who’s performing.
I only know who’s playing because of friends’ chatter on social media. Not sure what I’ll be doing that night. Maybe I’ll attend a Super Bowl party (if the menu is good enough), but rest assured that I’ll be thinking of all the things I’d rather do than actually do than watch the Super Bowl. Right off the top of my head, here’s 52 things I’d rather do than watch Super Bowl LII:
1. Just go to a restaurant for good food and avoid the silliness on the television
2. Go see one of the halftime performers live in a venue not related to the Super Bowl
3. Play D&D with a bunch of hygienically challenged teenagers suffering from glandular conditions making them sweat profusely
4. Go grocery shopping (and I just might if the performer isn’t enticing enough for me to stay home)
5. Run on a treadmill
6. Run on a treadmill with no music and the television in front of me inoperable
7. Run on a treadmill coated with Lego pieces
8. Awkwardly run into my ex
9. Eat coconut shavings and I really hate coconut shavings (it’s a textural thing)
10. Get a Brazilian bikini wax
11. Perform a Brazilian bikini wax on someone that just ran a marathon
12. Clean my bathroom from shower head to the base of the toilet
13. Drink a whole can of Budweiser (I hate, hate, hate Budweiser)
14. Watch my nieces and nephews for an extended period of time
15. Change diapers on a baby suffering from C. diff
16. Watch “Frozen” with my young nieces
17. Spend the weekend with my nieces after they’ve watched “Frozen” and are singing the songs relentlessly
18. Get caught up on my homework, although that’s a bit self-serving
19. Be stuck in traffic
20. Stub my toe
21. Wear an Ohio State Jersey in downtown Ann Arbor the day after the Wolverines lose to Ohio State
22. Be tarred and feathered
23. Become a professional poop scooper at a dog park
24. Step in dog poop
25. Mow my lawn with a pair of rusty scissors
26. Listen to my parents recount their love life
27. Be shot in the leg
28. Watch “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”
29. Watch just about any show; I might even end up liking a show or two
30. Get a sunburn where the sun don’t shine
31. Be on the receiving end of a stun gun
32. Sing N’Sync at a karaoke bar
33. Watch a PGA golf tournament
34. Retake my Technical Editing midterm and final exams
35. Sit through an Easter-Sunday Mass with all the baptisms, first communions, and confirmations
36. Listening to an old-school military safety briefing
37. Clean my rifle in the company area
38. Shine my boots the “right way”
39. Rake lines into the sand
40. Suffer through an armpit tattoo healing while the hair grows back and not being able to do anything for fear of ruining the tattoo
41. Pay my bills and balance the checkbook
42. Watch the puppy bowl
43. Play Scrabble with older relatives and realize, despite their age, they know a ton of words
44. Wash and dry and fold all of you dirty clothes
45. Lounge around all day sans clothing because the laundry is taking forever
46. Launder dirty money for the mob
47. Bake brownies
48. Explain to older family why I don’t want children
49. Explain to older family why I’m still not married
50. Explain to older relatives just about anything
51. Chuckle pleasantly as I think up this list with a friend
52. Get my nipples pierced again
Okay, writing this up with a friend was a knee-slapping event if there ever was one. Some activities, like “shaking Trump’s hand” or “experiencing a hangover like the one from my high school reunion” simple were just too awful. Hell, some of the ideas jotted down aren’t even that torturous. Some are blatantly exaggerated. Some are actually kinda awesome.
All in all, I’m just not in love with the Super Bowl. Sorry, but not sorry.
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