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52 Things I'll Do Before I Watch The Super Bowl

Running on a treadmill covered in legos sounds like more fun than actually watching Super Bowl 52.

John Anderson Myers

Jan 29, 2018

Eastern Michigan University

127

52 Things I'll Do Before I Watch The Super Bowl

Stronger JC

Football and I have an odd relationship. Never really had the interest to join a recreational league, and only begrudgingly joined my cousins in an occasional game of pigskin. The one time I consented to play a football related game outside of a family function, I ended up requiring surgery and two plates in my arm. I had to relearn how to perform basic functions—like going to bathroom—with my left hand. That was miserable.

Of course, not everything about football is bad. Football games during high school were the bomb-diggity, although I wasn’t there for the football. Impromptu football parties thrown by family were pretty stellar. The few college games attended were done so in the spirit of familial or friendly camaraderie, and not because I had any major interest in seeing grown men in some silly, testosterone-fueled contest.

Super Bowl 2018 is about a week away now, and I’m not really that excited for it. Oh, I’ll flock to YouTube the day after to check out all the cool commercials and movie previews. There’s a chance I’ll even tune in the night of the big game, but only for the halftime show. That, too, depends on who’s performing.

I only know who’s playing because of friends’ chatter on social media. Not sure what I’ll be doing that night. Maybe I’ll attend a Super Bowl party (if the menu is good enough), but rest assured that I’ll be thinking of all the things I’d rather do than actually do than watch the Super Bowl. Right off the top of my head, here’s 52 things I’d rather do than watch Super Bowl LII:

1. Just go to a restaurant for good food and avoid the silliness on the television

2. Go see one of the halftime performers live in a venue not related to the Super Bowl

3. Play D&D with a bunch of hygienically challenged teenagers suffering from glandular conditions making them sweat profusely

4. Go grocery shopping (and I just might if the performer isn’t enticing enough for me to stay home)

5. Run on a treadmill

6. Run on a treadmill with no music and the television in front of me inoperable

7. Run on a treadmill coated with Lego pieces

8. Awkwardly run into my ex

9. Eat coconut shavings and I really hate coconut shavings (it’s a textural thing)

10. Get a Brazilian bikini wax

11. Perform a Brazilian bikini wax on someone that just ran a marathon

12. Clean my bathroom from shower head to the base of the toilet

13. Drink a whole can of Budweiser (I hate, hate, hate Budweiser)

14. Watch my nieces and nephews for an extended period of time

15. Change diapers on a baby suffering from C. diff

16. Watch “Frozen” with my young nieces

17. Spend the weekend with my nieces after they’ve watched “Frozen” and are singing the songs relentlessly

18. Get caught up on my homework, although that’s a bit self-serving

19. Be stuck in traffic

20. Stub my toe

21. Wear an Ohio State Jersey in downtown Ann Arbor the day after the Wolverines lose to Ohio State

22. Be tarred and feathered

23. Become a professional poop scooper at a dog park

24. Step in dog poop

25. Mow my lawn with a pair of rusty scissors

26. Listen to my parents recount their love life

27. Be shot in the leg

28. Watch “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”

29. Watch just about any show; I might even end up liking a show or two

30. Get a sunburn where the sun don’t shine

31. Be on the receiving end of a stun gun

32. Sing N’Sync at a karaoke bar

33. Watch a PGA golf tournament

34. Retake my Technical Editing midterm and final exams

35. Sit through an Easter-Sunday Mass with all the baptisms, first communions, and confirmations

36. Listening to an old-school military safety briefing

37. Clean my rifle in the company area

38. Shine my boots the “right way”

39. Rake lines into the sand

40. Suffer through an armpit tattoo healing while the hair grows back and not being able to do anything for fear of ruining the tattoo

41. Pay my bills and balance the checkbook

42. Watch the puppy bowl

43. Play Scrabble with older relatives and realize, despite their age, they know a ton of words

44. Wash and dry and fold all of you dirty clothes

45. Lounge around all day sans clothing because the laundry is taking forever

46. Launder dirty money for the mob

47. Bake brownies

48. Explain to older family why I don’t want children

49. Explain to older family why I’m still not married

50. Explain to older relatives just about anything

51. Chuckle pleasantly as I think up this list with a friend

52. Get my nipples pierced again

Okay, writing this up with a friend was a knee-slapping event if there ever was one. Some activities, like “shaking Trump’s hand” or “experiencing a hangover like the one from my high school reunion” simple were just too awful. Hell, some of the ideas jotted down aren’t even that torturous. Some are blatantly exaggerated. Some are actually kinda awesome.

All in all, I’m just not in love with the Super Bowl. Sorry, but not sorry.

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52 Things I'll Do Before I Watch The Super Bowl

Running on a treadmill covered in legos sounds like more fun than actually watching Super Bowl 52.

1. Just go to a restaurant for good food and avoid the silliness on the television

2. Go see one of the halftime performers live in a venue not related to the Super Bowl

3. Play D&D with a bunch of hygienically challenged teenagers suffering from glandular conditions making them sweat profusely

4. Go grocery shopping (and I just might if the performer isn’t enticing enough for me to stay home)

5. Run on a treadmill

6. Run on a treadmill with no music and the television in front of me inoperable

7. Run on a treadmill coated with Lego pieces

8. Awkwardly run into my ex

9. Eat coconut shavings and I really hate coconut shavings (it’s a textural thing)

10. Get a Brazilian bikini wax

11. Perform a Brazilian bikini wax on someone that just ran a marathon

12. Clean my bathroom from shower head to the base of the toilet

13. Drink a whole can of Budweiser (I hate, hate, hate Budweiser)

14. Watch my nieces and nephews for an extended period of time

15. Change diapers on a baby suffering from C. diff

16. Watch “Frozen” with my young nieces

17. Spend the weekend with my nieces after they’ve watched “Frozen” and are singing the songs relentlessly

18. Get caught up on my homework, although that’s a bit self-serving

19. Be stuck in traffic

20. Stub my toe

21. Wear an Ohio State Jersey in downtown Ann Arbor the day after the Wolverines lose to Ohio State

22. Be tarred and feathered

23. Become a professional poop scooper at a dog park24. Step in dog poop

25. Mow my lawn with a pair of rusty scissors26. Listen to my parents recount their love life

27. Be shot in the leg28. Watch “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”

29. Watch just about any show; I might even end up liking a show or two30. Get a sunburn where the sun don’t shine

31. Be on the receiving end of a stun gun

32. Sing N’Sync at a karaoke bar

33. Watch a PGA golf tournament

34. Retake my Technical Editing midterm and final exams

35. Sit through an Easter-Sunday Mass with all the baptisms, first communions, and confirmations36. Listening to an old-school military safety briefing

37. Clean my rifle in the company area

38. Shine my boots the “right way”

39. Rake lines into the sand

40. Suffer through an armpit tattoo healing while the hair grows back and not being able to do anything for fear of ruining the tattoo

41. Pay my bills and balance the checkbook42. Watch the puppy bowl

43. Play Scrabble with older relatives and realize, despite their age, they know a ton of words44. Wash and dry and fold all of you dirty clothes

45. Lounge around all day sans clothing because the laundry is taking forever46. Launder dirty money for the mob

47. Bake brownies48. Explain to older family why I don’t want children

49. Explain to older family why I’m still not married

50. Explain to older relatives just about anything

51. Chuckle pleasantly as I think up this list with a friend52. Get my nipples pierced again

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The struggles of having an RBF are all too real

1. People asking if you're mad at them.

2. Those people who hand out flyers don't always try to stop you.

3. Creepy guys telling you to smile.

4. "I thought you were a bitch when I first met you."

5. People telling you you'd be "so much prettier if you smiled."

6. Doing your makeup and looking great, which somehow intensifies the bitch face.

7. Regularly explaining "it's just my face."

We all go through certain stages when we have a crush, Tina just explains it better.

That moment that someone you never looked twice at suddenly makes you do a double take out of no where.

But you can't have a crush, that's outrageous. It's all in your head.

Because you don't have a crush, there's no reason to tell anyone about anything. Right?

But then they do something irresistible and you start to lose it.

Now accepting the fact you have a crush, you have to keep it under control.

Then there's the part where you tell your friends who will claim they called it.

They'll be excited and cheer you on. That's until they realize that your crush is all you'll be talking about.

Your obsession has become so bad, that your Facebook stalking is getting out of control.

But your friends will try and help move things along any way they can. That doesn't mean it will be any helpful though.

As time goes on, you start having fantasies about the two of you and it's starting to scare you a little.

You can't focus on anything because all your attention is on them and everything they do.

Anybody who comes near your crush is now an enemy, and you are willing to fight for your crush.

When you see them, you act like an idiot. Trying to hide your feelings may not be as discrete as you think.

Keeping your feelings inside will start to be harder and harder until you can't keep it inside anymore.

Who knows, maybe it will work out? Take a chance.

Everybody hurts sometimes.

May the odds be ever in your favor.

What about those of us who don't do it all in four years?

1. You feel like an elder.

2. You may feel lonely.

3. Senioritis is more real than ever.

4. You may feel a little down sometimes.

5. Fear of missing out won't be as real.

6. You are a college pro.

7. You'll have more free time.

23. Become a professional poop scooper at a dog park

24. Step in dog poop

25. Mow my lawn with a pair of rusty scissors

26. Listen to my parents recount their love life

27. Be shot in the leg

28. Watch “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”

29. Watch just about any show; I might even end up liking a show or two

30. Get a sunburn where the sun don’t shine

35. Sit through an Easter-Sunday Mass with all the baptisms, first communions, and confirmations

36. Listening to an old-school military safety briefing

41. Pay my bills and balance the checkbook

42. Watch the puppy bowl

43. Play Scrabble with older relatives and realize, despite their age, they know a ton of words

44. Wash and dry and fold all of you dirty clothes

45. Lounge around all day sans clothing because the laundry is taking forever

46. Launder dirty money for the mob

47. Bake brownies

48. Explain to older family why I don’t want children

51. Chuckle pleasantly as I think up this list with a friend

52. Get my nipples pierced again

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