Although I grew up only playing sports on and off, I had was skinny, with a body that people would describe as “athletic.” When I was diagnosed with ADHD, I was almost immediately put on Adderall, and over the years I bounced around between several other ADHD medications.
One side effect of ADHD medications is that they can really mess with your appetite, and mine decreased rapidly. I was hovering around 100 pounds, but ate a healthy amount of food. In 8th and 9th grade, I wore size zero pants and dresses, and anytime I went out shopping, I could find multitudes of clothes to try on and purchase.
Me (age 14) at the 2011 Twin Cities Pride Parade.
I experienced this thin privilege every day, even when I wasn’t shopping. I had pick of every fashion trend and even had people compliment my thinness, which was bordering on unhealthy, like it was something to be prized. In spite of this, I was not happy with myself or my body because I was thin. I wished to gain weight badly. Contrary to what many find desirable today, I hated my thigh gap with a passion. I wanted my thighs to touch, and the sight of looking down and seeing my knobby, gangly legs beneath was unwelcome.
The summer before tenth grade, my body began to change drastically. It was also around this time that I stopped taking my ADHD medicine, which increased my appetite once again. Slowly, I began to gain more weight. I was complimented for having gained weight, but still praised for being thin overall. I could still go to any store imaginable and find clothing that fit me.
However, my weight didn’t stop climbing, and by my senior year of high school I weighed around 180 pounds. My newfound tummy rolls and stretchmarks upset and confused me. I had gotten so used to being thin that shopping began to distress me -- due to my increase in clothing size, I could no longer find many clothes that fit.
When I started college, the freshman fifteen was very real for me. My body developed stretchmarks all over, on my hips, legs, breasts, and arms.
Me on my Chicago trip July 2015.
Shopping at a mall was often fodder for a breakdown or anxiety attack in the dressing room due to internalized fatphobia. My mother has dealt with body image issues all of her life, and she had tried very hard to instill healthy eating habits in my sister and me so we wouldn’t have to go through similar years of insecurities. However, I’ve grown to appreciate and even like my body, and that has made me realize that the occasional hatred of my body is fatphobic. Fatphobia is drilled into our heads starting nearly from birth, since we are taught that fat automatically equals bad and unhealthy. Fat characters in films -- especially female fat characters -- are often only found in comedic roles or movies, and are usually the butt of a joke.
Although I know my friends don’t mean it, one of the most hurtful things I'm often told when I say I am plus size is “But you don’t look plus size!” It makes me feel like my weight is wrong, and that being fat is something to fear and hate. While I am currently trying to exercise and eat healthier, I am doing so only for myself, not to be able to fit into a smaller dress size.
I still sometimes have breakdowns in dressing rooms, especially when I go thrift shopping and cannot find anything in my size. Nonetheless, I have managed to find a handful of reasonably priced stores that are fat friendly and carry my size (I will list some below). I wear what I want and try to not let anyone tell me I can’t due to my size.
I am chubby and I am beautiful. The two are not mutually exclusive.
List of Fat Friendly Stores (that I have had success with):
- Target: This store carries many of its clothes to a size XL and even beyond. It also just introduced a new, attractive line of plus sized clothing that goes past size 20.
- Torrid: While I do not shop there, I know it is an exclusively plus sized store.
- Dressbarn: Has clothing up to size 24, including dresses, jeans, and pants.
- Kohl’s: Similar to Target.
