The internet is home to a wealth of knowledge. Whether it's what bread is best or how to make girls to like you without considering your own behavior and personality profile, the internet has you covered. One distraction I see frequently is food recipes. Hella recipes. Recipes so easy, anyone can make them, but they look like some Bobby Flay! Do-it-yourself dinners (or DIY dinners for my breev crowd) are all the rage and will be forever, so you might as well get used to it now if you haven't already. I'll share some of the DIY dinners I've perused over the net because stealing content is how I will get where I want to be on this Earth. Hope you're hungry. This is normally where I would put the last sentence of the introductory paragraph that would make this similar to an Onion or Clickhole article to create some tongue-in-cheek or absurdity that reinforces the punchline of the headline, but I'm tapped out.
My enthusiasm has dwindled to a level where the only thing I currently find funny is a dog from Pompeii saying "Hey kid! Get me outta this thing, huh?!" in an Arkham City accent. These dinners are going to be in a numeric list, betraying my funny headline, but it doesn't matter because some of these meals exist as far I know. They definitely could but I didn't check because I don't like the internet. I don't even know if it's appropriate to capitalize the "I" and I don't really care that much anymore.
1. Corn on the job
So that's what he meant by DIY. Yes, this corn recipe involves cooking corn in a slow-cooker while you're at work. It's very simple. Technically the slow-cooker does all the work, but you have to turn it on, therefore doing it yourself. Machines can't add butter for you unless it's like that little butter robot from Rick and Morty. I can't remember its name. You can look it up if you want to know, I have faith in you. Anyway, I would wear gloves and rub oil and spices up and down the corn before you put it in the slow-cooker. My dad made a tandoor using these instructions that creates excellent corn on the cob, but you can't have a tandoor running at work unless you work in a restaurant that uses a tandoor.
2. Stirred fry stir-fry
A stir-fry made of french fries that are cooked in a wok with vegetables. Stir vigorously until just-limp. This recipe probably doesn't exist yet, but you could do it. Else it wouldn't be on this list. In the least humorous way possible, I wonder if wearing this headset while it's storming outside will fry my brain? Dying while listening to "Go Gina" wouldn't be too bad. It's a song by SZA. I like it a lot!
3. A Pop-Tart sandwich where the buns are pop-tarts and the filling is peanut butter or frosting or whatever you can handle on a Friday night
Everything I've written had led to this moment. Everything, even Street Week, pales in comparison to the magnitude of going public with my Pop-Tart dream when I ate a peanut butter Pop-Tart sandwich as described above. It's not dinner, but what is dinner anyway? It's an evening meal. You can eat whatever you want. You really think someone would bat an eye if you said this was dessert? But call it dinner and the death threats pour in.
4. A grilled please
This is mine. It's cottage cheese mixed with peanut butter, then I put it on some bread and grill it to make me feel less disgusting. Something about watching this inexcusable sammie sizzle all by itself on a skillet makes me feel like it could be passed off as something people eat. You can defininitely do this yourself and it's really easy.
5. People have been cooking their chicken medium rare
Have you seen this? It's probably not safe. By all means, though. You can do it yourself. I'm pretty sure the posts about eating medium rare chicken are jokes, but that hasn't stopped people on the internet from making videos about it and trying to get as many jokes in as possible, sometimes calling the original poster a bitch or some other insult, spreading malice. Now it sounds like I eat raw chicken. Don't do it yourself.
Every day I get older. This is settling in and time is running out to reach my potential. My biggest fear is dying before I'm supposed to. Keep your chin up and do it yourself. I'm going to go listen to Grimes.
