There are times in a mother's life when she wants to slowly, ok quickly, walk away from a situation and play dumb. You love your children, but you don't, at that moment know where they came from. As a mom of three, I have had too many of these situations to count. Too many times when I have thought to myself, "I didn't sign up for this." You honestly wonder if these are your children, maybe the hospital made a mistake, and your perfectly well-behaved children are with another family. Then one day you must wake up and realize, these are my monkeys, and this is my circus. Here are a few things being a mommy will throw at you.
1. You will find yourself doing things you never imagined you would do.
My most fondest memory happened with my third and last child. Most of us will have at least one of these children, who stick things in places, eat things, and test the boundaries of our patience. My baby was the one who took all the patience I had left and used it for her enjoyment. We had already spent countless hours at the emergency room for stickers stuck in her ears and nose. Then there was the lip she cut open jumping off a bed. I was sure it was over. Oh, I was so wrong. I got the call at work that my little angel decided to eat a rock. I am still not sure why this rock looked so tasty, but apparently to a 2-year-old it did. As we sat and listened to the emergency room doctor's orders, I became increasingly nauseated. She wanted me to do what, with what, and for how long!?! I found out that day that you have to find out if the rock makes it out, so you have to check their diapers, and so you know where I am going with this one. Never in my 30 years of life had I imagined myself with gloves on, sifting through, well you know. This is only one example of things you'd never imagine doing. And yes, it can and will get worse.
2. The things you have to tell your children to stop doing is gross and neverending.
This was one thing I was never prepared for, and still am not prepared for: the things my children will do, or say next. I have to say it, but my children are gross, and they didn't get it from me. Things I say on a daily basis include: don't lick me, stop smelling me, don't do that on your brother's head, stop drooling on the floor, don't lick your sister's feet. I don't care if she told you to! I don't think I need to go on because kids are gross. This is when you wonder if these are really your children. Just accept it now so you can process it, and move on.
3. They will find a way to embarrass you whenever and wherever possible.
My son was taught the greatest thing ever at an early age: he could pee outside. No, I didn't teach him this, and was mortified the first time he did it. What my son was not taught was how to not just do it in the middle of anywhere, where everyone can see. He didn't go behind a bush or a tree, he didn't wait until he got to where he was going, he just dropped his pants, and waddled there. You are thinking that this is the worst of it, but you are so wrong. Imagine my horror when my youngest, my little girl, comes in announcing she loves to pee outside. I may have fainted the first time she did it. To this day, I have no idea who told her she could do it, and why they would. Let's not look over the times you will go clothes shopping with at least one of them. It's going to happen at least once, and trust me you will turn all shades of red. Toddlers are curious, so of course as you are in the middle of wiggling out of a dress, they have crawled out of your dressing room, and are now peeking in at someone else. In case you were wondering, they aren't quiet about what they see, they are oh, so verbal.
5. At school, you can be assured the teacher knows everything that happens in your house
Once your children enter school your teacher will know everything that goes on in your house, in their own words. I am sure my children's teachers think I stay home all day, lay on the couch, and drink wine. Sounds like a perfect day, but so far from the truth. They know every fight you had with your husband, and they tell their teacher you are getting a divorce. Every single piece of dirty laundry they have overheard will be exaggerated to the extreme, and then told to anyone at school that will listen. It's fun explaining why you spray your child's brother with Febreze every time he passes. It can also be fun trying to assure their teacher you aren't really lazy, and you were just really sick that time you wouldn't make them a huge meal, and decided on sandwiches and chips. Trust me this will all happen, and more. You can't stop it.
6. After all this, and you still love them unconditionally
Yes, they have embarrassed you, blamed you, and made you do oh so gross things, but you couldn't imagine life any other way. Sure you do imagine what it would be like to not be sniffed, or licked, or even, not having to stick your hand in a toilet. But, wouldn't that be so boring if you didn't get to do all that stuff? Being a mom is an adventure, one that is never without excitement, or levels of grossness, and we handle it as best as any other mom does. Each day you will find a new reason why you love them more than you did the day before!
It's ok to dream that this isn't happening, but one day you have to realize, these are your monkeys and this is your circus. Just remember one day it will be your turn to have some fun with them!
