It’s a little after two o’clock in the morning and I’m wide awake. My body is exhausted but my mind is just waking up. Every worry, fear and insecurity that I have, implodes in the small space between my ears and continues for hours. Will I ever truly love the person that I am? It’s a battle within myself that only I can fight, but for as long as I can remember, I have been beaten.
I’m reminded that I’m not completely alone when I hear the settle sound of a vehicle making their way along the interstate and pray that they make it to their destination safely. I wonder where they are headed and what causes them to be traveling at such an early hour. My mind continues to roam and I finally start drifting off to sleep.
The sound of a buzzer, much like that of one in a gymnasium, screams at me from my nightstand and without any hesitation, I hit the snooze button. I roll over and try to catch an extra five minutes of sleep but am denied the luxury due to the thoughts; the ones I battled with only a few, short hours ago. I’m exhausted and fear for the day ahead. I lack the motivation I once had, and pray that one day, soon I will be able to reunite with it once again.
After a lot of debate, I roll out of bed and complete my morning routine. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and quickly look away. I not only struggle with who I am on the inside, but also with my physical appearance. I stand in the mirror and cannot look myself in the eye, for I’m afraid of what I’ll see: an overweight, unlovable, depressed being. I try to put my insecurities behind me as I make my way into the world beyond my bedroom door.
The interstate that was once quiet is now full of life. I hear the faint humming of the vehicles making their way towards me; slowly the sound grows with intensity as they are in sight, and just as fast as they came, they vanish into the distance.
Throughout my day I smile at complete strangers, hold conversations with my peers, and spend time with my friends, but I am never fully present. I’m physically there, but mentally lacking. I try to stay focused on what is in front of me but my mind drifts away, much like a single balloon that’s been accidentally mishandled; and no matter how high you jump, you are always going to be inches away from the balloon’s string; you have to accept the fact that the only thing left to do is watch it float gracefully into a vast of empty space. It’s out of my control; I have no part.
The day is winding down, at least for most. I’ve been in a trance all day and now suddenly, as the darkness appears, I am wide awake. My mind, which seemed empty just hours before, is now in full gear, ready for the long night ahead. I dread the long hours by myself tonight, for the cycle in which I find myself in, will continue on for another day. Although they never fully left me: my fears, worries and insecurities creep into view once again.
It’s a little after two o’clock in the morning; welcome back, shall we pick up where we left off?
