Coming out in the south is, for most gays, the most terrifying experience in the world. But, on the contrary, being out can mean coming to terms with your identity: a very important step towards adulthood.

I took this step very early in life, and I immediately regretted it:

"I used to think it was a phase

cause my mom saw the charcoal circles on my eyes

and below them she saw a hit of a smile

but i was hurting inside

and i didn’t know why

my culture was making a mockery of the conflict I had to hide

it was ok to be gay then

if you were pale and frail and way too thin

or butch and buff

but never if you were me

the girl in the back just floating between

I was never the type to fight so I just pretended that I didn’t want to end my life.

because if you were suicidal back then it was all part of a trend

and not actual pain

I couldn’t defend to my mother the thousands of slits on my wrist

because the girl next door declared it a fashion statement

and so I blackened the way I dressed

and I hid the tiny rainbow painted on my chest

and I hid my sexuality from the impostors who made it hard to seem genuine

and foster a positive community around being gay

but finally I came out when highschool began and the girls were all scared I’d stare at them…

unbeknownst to their chuckles in the locker room, I kissed a girl among them in her childhood room

And it went on like that. the same people who would pretend to laugh were curious

They experimented with my heart and the space between my thighs, but never did they truly open their eyes.

I was gay before it was okay and the world was scared of me

I thought that that fear would be the worst of my exclusion."

But after I came out, I realized very soon that It gets better. IT HAS TO. So, for the rest of high school, I didn't date any more girls. Like most gays at that age, I sat in silence, waiting for college to save me.

It did:

"Everyday is like a parade-

In her honor

Look-

at the girl-

with the skin of glass.

She is fragile, but below she houses a thin layer of gold

painted in glitter and every visible color

She is what every child like her

Wants to be-

Proud.

She speaks out to an uncaring crowd

And no one lynches her for it

Housed in glass, she flinches at the stones thrown,

But college has granted her a fence taller than they can throw

A fence built solely out of the strongest essence-

Knowledge.

And the taller it gets, the prouder she stands

For the children with death dug into their wrists

Unknowingly, she represents College

An ellis island for gays-

We all immigrate into adulthood with her-

Them

Him

Standing as a shining trophy.

She is what awaits you,

And for some of us,

She is you."

The wait was worth it. I now am able to surround myself with peers who could care less what my sexuality is. I can now live comfortably as a pansexual without being afraid of criticism.

This is for you- the beautiful person hiding who you are behind a curtain of judgement. It gets better, and I am proof.