Tragedy reminds us of our own mortality. Horrific scenarios encourage us to rethink our existence, but most of the time we rethink in terms of how our lives are reshaped instead of in terms of how we can improve our lives. We are sad when a loved one passes away; we don’t generally celebrate their lives with joy and serenity. We mourn, we fall into depths of melancholia, and we wither with their absence. The idea of death is difficult to swallow, I know. It’s hard to understand that someone is here and moments later with the exhale of a heavy breath they’re gone. Unthinkable. We offer condolences to a family, we offer our shoulder to cry on, and we offer our prayers. Except, what about suicide?
We treat mental illness differently than a physical disease, yet the reality is that mental illnesses are organic. They are physically part of us, no less than diabetes, cancer, thyroid issues or pain. We take medication to prevent symptoms of our diseases; many of these medications are so vicious to our bodies that the side effects are almost worse than the original symptoms. Sometimes medication doesn’t work -- the formulas of drugs do not fix the imbalances in our brains and sometimes further? They make the condition worse. With self-hatred, depersonalization, pain and unthinkable amounts of loneliness, sometimes someone mentally ill cannot continue to suffer. And so they don’t; some make the choice to simply change, and some have no gas left in their tank. Suicide becomes viable. There are poor souls who shut their eyes for a final time, feeling pain-free and burden-free as they pass.
But why do we demonize them? If someone felt as if they had no other option but to seek death, why are they to blame? How are they selfish? Why aren’t we, as their support system, finding fault within ourselves?
This morning, I received the news that a friend had passed away and I found myself quickly jumping to the conclusion that there were people who loved her, how could she? But that’s where I stopped. I have never spent a moment in her head with her thoughts. While I do not understand her individual predicament in total, what I know is that as her friend, I am responsible. Every time she mentioned her feelings, I might have listened and understood, but I did not take into account their seriousness. I know better than that; I, too have been there. Yet rather than face my accountability, my first instinct was to blame her when she has nothing to be sorry for. I needed to pay more attention to her.
How many times have you found your brow furrowed by a disturbance like suicide? Many families have been touched by it, and unraveled after the tragedy because there was no way to make sense of it. No one wants to shoulder the burden, and so they place it on the deceased because they’re so terribly selfish to leave us. If we continue to think like this, we will never be able to decrease the rate of suicide in the mentally ill -- hell, in the entirety of people all over the world.
I’d like to suggest that suicide is a societal issue, not a personal one. If people opened the doors of acceptance, many people wouldn’t feel the need to hide from the judgmental public. If this were the case, perhaps employers might begin to understand a mentally ill employee needs support instead of ridicule. If people with the undiagnosed panic disorder were welcomed at the emergency room instead of greeted with distaste, maybe they could get healthy quicker. Maybe they would find peace and be able to share it with the next person. I’d like to say that my friend’s death is on each and every one of us who failed her. We need to be better. All of us. You, too.
The next time you find yourself staring tragedy in the face, search inward for acceptance. Remember that kindness is free, and we all have access to it and to give it. We need to pay more attention, moving forward. We need to be kind more often. We need to lend our hands, shoulders, and hearts. We need to be ready to wipe the tears off of someone else’s cheek, and take their hand and lead them away from their loneliness. There isn’t anything you can do to change someone’s mind, but you can impact it.
The ugly truth is that death is frightening, and it is imminent for all of us. The burden of mortality is heavy, but it can walk hand in hand with life. If we chose to accept the bad and the ugly, the good becomes more obvious and we appreciate it so much more. Life has a way of continuing itself, regardless of the obstacles that bar our paths. Instead of turning away from them, rise. Find your accountability and accept it. The world will spin madly on.
