As actresses we hear the tales time and time again. Countless stories of women being degraded by male directors, fellow actors, producers etc. But it really is true that you don't fully understand until it happens to you. Even now in 2017, female actresses are still seen as vulnerable and easy to target. There are directors out there who are aware of how badly we want this, and how we will listen to any piece of advice we can take to better ourselves and our chances. These directors know that they can take advantage of us. Recently I was dealing with a director who loved my work, and just from seeing me perform for under an hour he wanted me to be in a project of his. I send him a headshot just to cover the bases, and I was truly taken back with his response. "I have to admit that your headshot was not all that appealing." He started with. What an opening line. What a casanova I am dealing with here. "Doll yourself up a bit. A little make up wouldn't hurt". He went on to tell me how girls used to wear small skirts and heels and essentially said that I shouldn't rely on my talent, and worry more about how I look. Can somebody show me an actor that has ever been told this? I didn't fight back, I didn't cause a fuss. A big part of me couldn't even open my mouth because I was in such shock. This actually exists and happens on a daily basis. The stories that I always brushed aside, assuming that they were outdated, just happened to me! "I hope you think about what I said" he says in a way and voice that made me so uncomfortable I shuddered. I felt so violated. I just had a man tell me that physically I was not good enough. That although I had talent, nobody would want me if I didn't strap on some heels and apply some make up. Only to demand that I remember those words, as though his opinion of me should have any weight on who I am and how I see myself. "Thank you for your input. I will see you tomorrow." I say not so sweetly before hanging up. I strip myself down in front of the medicine cabinet mirror before turning on the shower. My hair is messy, my forehead has a pimple on it, as does my chin. My eyebrows are bushy since I haven't waxed them lately. I get in the shower and wash away the words that he just tried to cut me down with. I wash away the control he just tried to hover over me. I cry. Not because what he said hurt, no. I cry because even now, women have to go out there and prove that sexism still exists. We have to tell the same people who see women as pretty figurines that they are the problem. We have to bite our tongues to build our resume. When instead, we have to find it in us to say "I will build my resume another way."
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2. Chips, apple or bread is probably your most repeated phrase
Not only do you say this all day, but you say it in your sleep. Sometimes you even wonder what Ryan Gosling would choose (chips, definitely). You also silently judged the people who chose apples over bread.
3. Taking bakery items with you out to parties was a must
Nothing beats loading up on cookies and leftover pastries on a weekend night closing shift and showing up to a party with your goodies. Your friends lived for it.
4. Taking bakery items home to your parents was also a must (if you wanted to live)
Your dad texted you to make sure you brought him home at least one Cobblestone muffin. Maybe three.
5. Your friends expected you to give them free stuff
No Jill, I can’t give you a candy cookie right now.
6. Being put on dishes made you question humanity
Have you ever tried to scrape wet, soapy mac and cheese out of a bowl? Not the greatest past time, let me tell you.
7. You saw everyone and their mother (especially their mothers)
Moms LOVE Panera. So do high school kids.
8. Working the opening shift was actually the worst thing to ever happen to you
Even if you only did it once, coming in at 5 am took a toll on your life.
9. Being able to predict what people would order
Group of middle schoolers? Mac and cheese in a bread bowl. Teenage boy? Chipotle Chicken Sandwich. Moms? Fuji Apple Chicken Salad. It’s a gift.
10. Making coffee was your least favorite thing to do
Honestly, carrying those things when they were full was a great arm workout.
11.Being put on the dining room was the absolute WORST
I really don’t want to walk around cleaning tables and putting people’s plates away for them. (FYI, customers are supposed to put those away. Just saying).
12. Secretly putting in your Panera card number when other people didn’t have them or want them.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who did this.
13. You would still come in on days you weren’t working to take advantage of your discount
Let’s face it, you can never get sick of Panera. It just doesn’t happen.
1. Use singular they for people whose pronouns you don't know, people who use those pronouns, and stop using him/her.
One of the most common, and often cluttered, phrases I hear when people try to talk about a person whose gender is unknown is he/she, him/her, (s)he. This is not only clunky and annoying to say, but ignores the fact that not everyone uses those pronouns or identifies as a man or a woman. When you say he/she you're really forgetting part of the population and making a lot of assumptions about people you don't know. This also goes for assuming a stranger's gender -- how someone presents isn't an indication of the gender they are or the pronouns they use. By assuming, you're misgendering someone before you even know them, when it is totally easy to use them, where you are assuming nothing. Singular they has been in use for hundreds of years. Using it will declutter language and create an environment in the world that allows for transgender and non-binary people to not be misgendered.
Source: genderqueerid.com
2. Stop using the words "opposite sex" or "both sexes" or "opposite gender" or "both genders".
Not only is this language erasing of transgender people outside the binary, but it is also erasing intersex people. The idea of the opposite of gender or sex, first of all, makes no sense. There is no opposite when it comes to biology, and since there are more than two sexes and more than two genders, there can be no opposite and no both (both implies two). Replace this language with all sexes or all genders and just get rid of the idea of opposite gender or sex from your mind and vocabulary entirely.
3. Ask people's pronouns when you meet them.
In order to help create a safer environment for trans and non-binary people, asking for pronouns and educating others on why you're asking is an important step. This allows the person to give you the pronouns they want you to use and stops you from assuming their gender, misgendering them and making them uncomfortable and hurt. This is something that is good to normalize is every conversation, not just in LGBTQIA+ spaces or in spaces that you suspect trans and non-binary people might be. Trans and non-binary people are everywhere and the more common asking about pronouns becomes, the less people will be misgendered.
4. Use the word cisgender.
The word cisgender means that you identify with the gender you are assigned at birth. Basically, not transgender or non-binary. Using the word cisgender helps stop the idea that being trans or non-binary is 'abnormal' and that cisgender is the norm. It is a term that has existed for a long time. Using the term cisgender also, as the picture above says, helps to maintain that all gender experiences are valid, and all right rather than abnormal.
5. Stop saying "born a boy/girl" about a transgender or non-binary person.
I can't stress how annoying and upsetting this phrasing is and I hear it all the time by people who claim to be allies and people who are completely ignorant. No one is 'born' anything. Your gender and sex assignment are things that are given to you when you are born. This also is essentially outing trans and non-binary people to people who they don't know, misgenders them, and continues to hold up cis-sexist and transphobic ideas that one is born a gender and that their gender is innate and unchanging. It provides people with unnecessary and personal information about someone's genitals (since that is really what someone is saying when saying born a boy/girl). If someone is saying this, they are telling you the make up of someone's genitals, which is completely unnecessary and invasive. You don't need to mention what someone was assigned at birth.
Source: flavorwire.com
6. Stop using the term 'preferred pronouns'.
While the term is better than not asking at all, it still really isn't a good term. The word preferred implies that these pronouns are wanted, but optional when that is not the case. My pronouns and other transgender people and non-binary people's pronouns are not optional; they are absolutely required. If you want to ask for someone's pronouns just ask 'what pronouns do you use?'. The word preferred isn't needed because it isn't preferred, it's required.
Source: nytimes.com
7. Stop using a transgender or non-binary person's dead name.
The term dead name means someone's name before they changed it (if they changed it). You have no right to use or know that name. It isn't a name the person uses anymore and to use it is disrespectful and violent. Saying things like 'Before Doug was Doug he went by ____" is not okay. Not only does it out someone as transgender or non-binary, it gives someone very personal and unnecessary information. Having a dead name used is hurtful and makes me instantly not trust someone. Do not ask for someone's dead name: there is no need for you to know it; it is not their name. Before you say something like the above example, think about why you're saying it. Is that really relevant to the conversation? Why do you feel the need to share this incredibly personal information that you have no right to share? Plain and simple: don't use someone's dead name. It's disrespectful and cruel.
While this list is only a basic introduction to improving language and making spaces safer, there are plenty more ways and articles that can provide more information and education. Learning and unlearning is a process that is incredibly important to making spaces safer for trans and non-binary people.
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