The week after the election, Broadway Style Guide released an article titled "Dear President Elect Trump: Sincerely, Broadway". The article is a collection of thoughts and feelings from different people in the Broadway community and how they were affected by the election. The one that stuck out the most to me, was the excerpt from Ana Villafañe, who is currently playing Gloria Estefan in On Your Feet! She writes about the effect that the election had on her as a Latina woman with a disability.
Now, I may be a little bias since On Your Feet! is my favorite show on Broadway at the moment. However, even if I have never seen this show before, if I read what she had to say in this article, it still would have had the same impact on me as it does now.
In the beginning and end of her article, she brings up the term "safe place". Her article concludes by saying "Despite it all, that 'safe place' does exist. We all have one". As I read that line, I was borderline in tears. It made me think about how lucky I am to have found my "safe place" in the theater.
From as long as I remember, the theater has been my safe place. I started doing theater in third grade and never wanted to be anywhere but rehearsal. It's where I felt the most comfortable. I was shy when I was younger. I clearly remember being too embarrassed to do improv exercises, but as soon as I got onstage, I would have no fears.
At that time, theater was just something that I loved to do. I didn't realize that a few years later, it would become my "safe place".
In the beginning of sixth grade, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and depression. Things were so bad for me that I had to quit theater. I still danced, but gave up theater in middle school and high school. It was then, in that time without theater, is when I realized that life was so difficult because I had nowhere to go. I isolated myself and had nothing. I had no way of expressing how I felt so I just kept everything bottled up. I wanted to go back into doing theater, but I let my anxiety take over my body and mind, convincing myself that I would never be able to get onstage in front of people again. I thought that was it.
My freshman year of college was very important for me. It was a huge transition for me: my first time living away from home. I knew I had to do something otherwise I was not going to be able to make it through without backpedaling to where I was in middle school. I was doing fairly better with my anxiety and wanted to prove to myself that I CAN do everything I did before I was diagnosed. So I decided to audition for my school musical. This was when I realized just how safe I felt when I was onstage.
Yes, I obviously get anxious backstage before shows, but the second that I step out on that stage, it all disappears. It's a feeling that I can't even put into to words. Onstage is where I feel safe. I am able to express myself in a variety of ways. I have done things onstage that I would never even consider doing in real life (standing on a chair and full-out jamming while belting "La Vie Boheme" in RENT was among my favorites). I have had many people come up to me saying that they can't believe that little me, who is a ball of anxiety, can get up onstage and do what I do. It's like a become a completely different person, which I like sometimes because I'm able to be someone other than anxious Amanda.
Since then, I've gained much more confidence in myself. I even branched out and recently performed in my first community theater production which is something I would never think I would. I was terrified walking into rehearsal on the first day but I quickly realized that I was among a group of people who also find the theater as a "safe place". I was not alone.
The theater is the only place where I truly feel safe outside of my home. I have never worried about not being accepted, or judged. Everything that's wrong with me is put aside when I'm onstage. I do become a different person; a person that is fearless and confident.
It's just not performing in shows that gives me a safe feeling, it's also going to see shows. I am a huge Broadway fan. Every time I feel scared or unsafe or in need of a distraction, my first instinct is always wanting to go see a show. You would think that will all of the craziness of New York City, I would feel unsafe. Yet somehow, the second I see the theater of the show I'm going to see, the fear vanishes and I feel at ease. It all started when I first saw Newsies and kept returning to the show when I really needed it. Once that closed, Finding Neverland became that safe place. Now, On Your Feet! has been added to that list of safe places. Sitting there watching live theater happen in front of my eyes makes me happier than I can explain. Anything I'm feeling, no matter how bad, leaves my mind the second the show starts and I always leave with a lighter load.
Beyond the show, I have met some of the most inspiring people in the Broadway world in the past three years that inspire me to keep going. Getting to hear their stories and how they conquered their fears to get to where they are inspires me. Getting to talk with them after the shows shines light in my life when I'm most afraid.
The Thursday after the election, I spontaneously hopped on a train to New York City to go stage door two of my favorites shows because I was scared. I was scared for my future, I was scared for my friends' futures, I was scared for the future of America. I didn't know what to do. For the first time, I woke up feeling unsafe no matter where I went, except when I was standing at those theaters. It was crazy to me that in a world that felt so unsafe that day, my "safe place" was still there to comfort me.
I know this may sound silly, I've gotten made fun of for it before and I'm sure I will again. But I've come to ignore it because especially in times like these, everyone needs a "safe place". So while people may sit here laughing at me because I call the theater my "safe place", there's going to come a time where people will feel lost because they haven't found one yet. I have, and I am beyond grateful to have somewhere to feel safe in this crazy world.
