My compassion for believing in what I was raised to believe in, my desire to seek spiritual growth and a universal truth that holds the key to mankind’s creation and destiny, my fear of being sent to a dark void or Dante-esque hell upon my death for unknowingly violating too many sacred laws including denial of God, my increasing interest on the topic of religion and other outlying faiths apart from my own Roman Catholic upbringing including (but not limited to) Universal Unitarianism and Buddhism, and my respect for other faiths are currently at war.
Religion for me is a loose topic and never taboo, but at the same time, holds the title for most perplexing, shifting and verbose issue in my life. As said above, I was raised Roman Catholic in my household and I adhere to those beliefs. I never gave the thought much attention as, rather than being zealous, religion was treated as a passive thing by my family (or at least the nuclear family in my own home, whereas many other members could be considered active practitioners). We went to church only on Saturdays and, once my sister and I were old enough to make our own decisions, stopped going around the time I started middle school. The decision behind that can be best described from a quote by a very wise man: “Why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?" (The Simpsons, “Homer The Heretic”)
Aside from the typicality of my faith, I chose to atypically ignore a few so-called stigmas in the practice, including the asinine belief that homosexuality (not just the practice and marriage, mind you, but the thought of it in general) was an immoral sin. I find this belief to be massive in hypocrisy on the fact that God preaches and tells us to love equally and not judge lest you be judged yourself, and thus this belief is something practiced only by the extremist and/or narrow-minded (whether they pertain to the faith or not). It just seems like a massive cosmic misnomer.
Another recent stigma that remains hardwired into my thoughts on the concept is that, whether there is an omniscient and omnipotent deity that holds a hand on all things, is that that very same force also holds the possibility of dwelling within us, where no distance of false space and time separate us and where every prayer we utter is further extended over to our own actions and willpower. We are our own god and messiah. I’m on the fence on whether I want to believe that or not. I personally think it sounds more like Zen guidelines then it does an actual faith. Perhaps he’s both above and within, or even below as well. Lately, however, this belief has been implanted more and more. In the risk of sounding like a crude Atheist, it seems easier to believe than picturing a wonder of mystery sitting on a cloud.
During my elementary years, I would attend this sort of Catholic after-school program only referred to as CCD. I never did find out what it stood for. It was in essence a volunteer program run by St. Jude Catholic Church where people beat the faith into you for no extra money. We wouldn’t read the Bible, but these little stories that taught life lessons I already knew. Out of the dozen or so read, I remember only one and only because I told it to my family twice. Weird as this sounds, I never held it against the stories. They felt genuine, but misused.
We would also watch videos, which admittedly weren’t the worse part of the program, except for ones that damn near traumatized me. One featured an anthropomorphic rabbit being molested by older one in what he referred to as his “touching game” and being too embarrassed to tell anyone. You can imagine how my mom reacted when I told her I learned it was wrong to molest and be molested that day.
Barring other videos that I likely repressed from my thoughts, most videos were about Jesus Christ, who by then I’d only heard in passing and as a curse on some horrible, award-winning movie. Turns out, they would be the ones I would look forward to the most. They were cheap in animation, like a cartoon from the eighties, but they got their point across. He would help people, tell them stories of his own journey so they could learn something, and heal people regardless of who they were or what they had done in their life. On one occasion, he even proved himself as a badass pacifist, one-upping a so-called “false messiah” who disillusioned his followers using only parlor tricks. For instance, the false messiah brought dark clouds and thunder, Jesus sent them away and brought forth sunshine. He just seemed like the coolest guy ever to me. He still does, really, no matter how much I doubt the whole process of religion.
Perhaps it’s suitable, my believing of Christ and my sharing sympathy for his torment that was invoked for our repentance, as it was his nature and destiny in life, as said in Isiah 53. (“Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.)
Past quoting the Bible like a Jehovah’s Witness with nothing better to do, which is something I don’t usually do, I find the Bible a fascinating read, if not just for the religious subtext. The Old Testament especially is amazing, notably Exodus. The New Testament is just as riveting. I hold the firm belief that the Bible should be treated as just that: A book, or a series of books rather, as per the name’s meaning. Not the be-all, end-all laws of our faith. Yes, the book says homosexuality is illegal (Leviticus 18:22), but it also says you may kill a man working on the Sabbath (Exodus 35:2) and sell your daughter to slavery (Exodus 21:7). Gotta have some common sense somewhere.
More to the point, my attending the program would mercifully come to an end come middle school and religion became much more superficial in my mind as I tried to focus more on surviving the perpetual horror that was Westlake. Throughout that time, I began reading upon other faiths I was previously unaware of, and would “experiment” with a number of them.
My short-lived atheist phase was just that: short-lived. For some unexplainable reason I could never bring myself to believe there was in fact no god. Even if just for a valid explanation to the natural order and plan of the universe, I needed a substitute for something. Atheism, to me, seems like a lazily thought-up excuse for the idea of anti-religion and a convenient explanation to why all the bad stuff happens to them. Oh, you just got your car towed? Where is your God now?
For a short period, I dabbled in Wiccan culture, pre-Christian beliefs and Paganism. It’s basically Christianity before the concept of a monotheistic God, except divinity can be found in all things. Be at one with Mother Nature, to form a bond with the Earth and celebrate life. Considering how peaceful the practice was, I never understood the flak it always got by being associated with evilness and heathenism. If anything, they got their priorities a lot straighter than most official religions. Though no longer a main interest, it remains a constant factor in my attempts to understand the world.
I was too afraid to try Satanism. I didn’t need to be a God-fearing man to fear inadvertently selling my soul to the devil, though I have read a bit of Anton LeVay’s The Satanic Bible. It’s interesting stuff, but is it really something to form a religion out of? Of all the angels God has, we decide to worship the one that was cast out of Heaven? That being said, I find it all the more depressing that this religion is more accepting of homosexuality than most other faiths, no matter how much sense it may make.
But then, wasn’t it Mark Twain that said “…But who prays for Satan? Who in eighteen centuries has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?” (Autobiography of Mark Twain, Mark Twain)
Shortly after that, I took an interest in Buddhism. Like Wiccan culture, while no longer progressive in approaching it, it remains a steady interest for me. I have a statue of Gautama Buddha in my room, as well as a few texts on the issue. I also have books on faiths I didn't attempt to dive into, such as various texts of the Hinduism faith, like The Bhagavad Gita, The Upanishads and The Dharmashastras. Like I mentioned before, I tread the Bible as reading material meant to give me knowledge and understanding, and that's what I intend on doing on other notable texts that guide people. I guess it's my own way of paying respect to other people's way of thinking.
Around the time I started my journey at Gannon, the experimental phase lost a lot of its luster, but I still hadn’t gathered an absolute faith in God. This being a Catholic university, I had assumed that would make my life more difficult. So far, I’ve been spared, but it feels subtle if anything else.
In the Catholic University, it’s no longer an ignorable problem. Phenomenal coincidences that could be interpreted as signs have been popping up everywhere. Perhaps God is testing me to find His faith or my own. I’ve always wanted to assert the belief that I’ll believe it when I see it (whatever it is) firsthand, but the need for answers stirs and gnaws at me. Thus far, the questions have remained unanswered.
I guess I'll find out when I'm dead.
