The B-Word Isn't A Bad Word, It's Just Difficult To Say | The Odyssey Online
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

The B-Word Isn't A Bad Word, It's Just Difficult To Say

An open letter to the bipolar parent in my life.

25
The B-Word Isn't A Bad Word, It's Just Difficult To Say
Buzzfeed

To The Bipolar Parent In My Life,

I used to hate your disorder. I knew who you typically were, yet in the midst of an episode your warm smiles and lighthearted laughter seemed like daydreams I’d imagined, lost to the caustic words and cold eyes focused on causing the most damage to the perceived threat: me. I knew that the person you became during an episode wasn’t who you really were, yet the cutting words and icy looks hurt all the same. People would tell me that you couldn’t control your actions when your disorder took over and reared its ugly head, yet that simply made me hate your disorder even more, because it took you away and left a shell in your place.

I used to fear your disorder. Not because of the ways it could and did hurt me, but for the ways it could affect me. Knowing in my mind that a mental disorder is not contagious never seemed to assuage my fear that I might wake up one day and see my reflection in your anger, in your sadness, in your seemingly unending excitement that always seemed to be followed by a crash twice as unending. Seeing how normal you appeared on the outside combined with your insistence that your behavior wasn’t a consequence of your disorder never helped to convince me that your behavior was a result of any disorder, yet as I look back over the years it is clear to me that your actions could be the result of nothing else.

I used to avoid mentioning your disorder. Hearing the word only made you angry, while it made me sad and resentful. As I’d lay in my bed at night wondering about what I did wrong to make you snap at me or shut me out, I would always come across the same explanation, an ingrained excuse provided to me by aunts and uncles, family and friends: “It isn’t you, it’s the bipolar disorder.” The only problem, however, was that I couldn’t shout at the bipolar disorder, couldn’t force it to change, couldn’t appeal to its humanity or force it to leave me alone. I felt useless, yet looking back, I see that--for you--staying by your side and barreling through the last 18 years of your disorder with you has helped tremendously to illuminate your strength and will aid you in amplifying it in years to come. Over the years, I have managed to not only come to terms with your bipolar disorder, but to also appreciate what it has taught both me and you about internal strength and resilience. I do not blame you for the behavior caused by bipolar disorder, in part because I know that it is all caused by a mental illness, but primarily because I understand that as much as your illness hurts me, it hurts you tenfold.

Looking at the people both you and I have become as a result of you raising me while simultaneously struggling through the mental and emotional battles that come along with mental illness, I can see that you are not your illness, you are not defined by your illness. Like me and others in your life, you are a victim of your disorder. Bipolar disorder is just a word, defined by symptoms such as “insomnia,” “depression,” “impulsiveness,” or “defensiveness.” You, on the other hand, are defined by your strength and your resilience. You are defined by the tears you hide in your guilt and confusion following an episode and by your ability to wake up each day and live despite your body’s pleadings for you to simply lay down and submit to your disorder. You are defined by your perseverance, not by your reaction to the symptoms which you cannot control

Love,

The Daughter Who Learned to Say the B-Word

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Entertainment

Every Girl Needs To Listen To 'She Used To Be Mine' By Sara Bareilles

These powerful lyrics remind us how much good is inside each of us and that sometimes we are too blinded by our imperfections to see the other side of the coin, to see all of that good.

69507
Every Girl Needs To Listen To 'She Used To Be Mine' By Sara Bareilles

The song was sent to me late in the middle of the night. I was still awake enough to plug in my headphones and listen to it immediately. I always did this when my best friend sent me songs, never wasting a moment. She had sent a message with this one too, telling me it reminded her so much of both of us and what we have each been through in the past couple of months.

Keep Reading...Show less
Zodiac wheel with signs and symbols surrounding a central sun against a starry sky.

What's your sign? It's one of the first questions some of us are asked when approached by someone in a bar, at a party or even when having lunch with some of our friends. Astrology, for centuries, has been one of the largest phenomenons out there. There's a reason why many magazines and newspapers have a horoscope page, and there's also a reason why almost every bookstore or library has a section dedicated completely to astrology. Many of us could just be curious about why some of us act differently than others and whom we will get along with best, and others may just want to see if their sign does, in fact, match their personality.

Keep Reading...Show less
Entertainment

20 Song Lyrics To Put A Spring Into Your Instagram Captions

"On an island in the sun, We'll be playing and having fun"

3516
Person in front of neon musical instruments; glowing red and white lights.
Photo by Spencer Imbrock on Unsplash

Whenever I post a picture to Instagram, it takes me so long to come up with a caption. I want to be funny, clever, cute and direct all at the same time. It can be frustrating! So I just look for some online. I really like to find a song lyric that goes with my picture, I just feel like it gives the picture a certain vibe.

Here's a list of song lyrics that can go with any picture you want to post!

Keep Reading...Show less
Chalk drawing of scales weighing "good" and "bad" on a blackboard.
WP content

Being a good person does not depend on your religion or status in life, your race or skin color, political views or culture. It depends on how good you treat others.

We are all born to do something great. Whether that be to grow up and become a doctor and save the lives of thousands of people, run a marathon, win the Noble Peace Prize, or be the greatest mother or father for your own future children one day. Regardless, we are all born with a purpose. But in between birth and death lies a path that life paves for us; a path that we must fill with something that gives our lives meaning.

Keep Reading...Show less
Health and Wellness

10 Hygiene Tips For All College Athletes

College athletes, it's time we talk about sports hygiene.

7621
Woman doing pull-ups on bars with sun shining behind her.

I got a request to talk about college athletes hygiene so here it is.

College athletes, I get it, you are busy! From class, to morning workouts, to study table, to practice, and more. But that does not excuse the fact that your hygiene comes first! Here are some tips when it comes to taking care of your self.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments