In the middle of a heated argument, it's sometimes difficult to find the words to express what you're trying to say. Often when the argument is over, when the dust settles, we reminisce on the argument. We think of things we could have said that "sound better" or would've definitely gotten our point across. The time we spend after the argument or conversation gives us opportunity to sit back and properly plan out our language. Sometimes these sensations and feelings of longing to have said something different, or said something at all will haunt us for years past. The French have a term for the sensation I'm describing. They call it "Esprit de l'escalier," and it indirectly translates to "The Wish on the Stairs." I have a few wishes that I've left on the stairs, that I'd like to own up to. Situations where I could've made a difference in someone's life, but chose to stay silent. Apologies that need to be said. So here I go.
**I've changed the names of those who I address to maintain their confidentiality**
To Emma. We were never friends in high school, but we knew each other. I don't know why this still haunts me, but I feel that if I don't come clean to the crime of being a bystander, it will follow me forever. Emma, you wore flower dresses in high school, and struck me as the sweetest person. You were kind to everyone, regardless of their gender, race, sexual identity, social status, or finances. We were in our senior year Language Arts class, and we had an interactive game called Kahoot that most teachers at our school used to practice what we were learning. When playing Kahoot, we had the choice to enter either our name or a nickname into the game, which would all be displayed up on the Smart Board for the whole class to see. People would enter names like "JDawg" or "RedHead," and you could usually tell the person by their distinctive qualities. Well, in our Language Arts class senior year, someone anonymously entered their name as "[Emma] Iz Gey." The whole class fell silent, except for our teacher who erupted in anger, rightfully so, but even she didn't seem as though she could find the right words to address it because we were all so caught off guard. Emma, to this day, I wish I had stood up and said something. I watched your face fall and you were silent for the rest of the class. I was so enraged, but I couldn't find the words to say to whichever asshole did that to you. It's been three years now, and I think about it from time to time, wishing I hadn't left my words on the stairs. I wish the teacher had asked everyone to put their phones on the desk so she could have figured out who did it. I wish I had stood up and told the room that you are so kindhearted, and such a beautiful person inside and out. I had never heard a mean word come out of your mouth. You were artsy, involved in the drama club, and always had an incredible smile on your face. I wish I could have pulled you aside after class, and told you that what the student did was wrong, and that you shouldn't give a damn about it. They were trying to get a rise out of you, who always seemed so patient and kept-together. Don't let those words take up space in your head because they are meaningless, and you are worth so much more.
To Will. I was always there for you, when no one else was. I used to sit alone in the library with you during lunch, just so you wouldn't be lonely. I supported you in your ambitions, dreams, and helped you through so much our senior year. You just wanted friends, to be accepted. I understood your awkwardness because I suffer from that too. I still think about mistakes that I've made and apologized for, and I just want you to know that I am still so sorry for how our friendship ended. I know that it was my fault, and sometimes you just have to walk away from friendships when they get too toxic. I understand that. I just wanted to tell you that I valued your friendship. I am so glad that life seems to be going well for you right now, and I hope that you've found a good solid network of friends that support you to be good, and lift you higher in your endeavors.
To Rachel. You were a good friend to me, but you asked so much more of me than I could handle. I was going through a rough time, and it felt like I was abandoned because of mistakes that I had made. I know it was a rocky road, but I really needed you there, and you had written me off. Instead of encouraging me to be better, I felt chastised, and if I'm being honest, you made me feel worse than I already did, which was pretty dang awful. I was at a low point in my life, and you only pushed me further down. When it was really bad, you looked me up and down and said, "Yeah...I can tell you haven't been working out recently." What I wish I had said to you was this: I need you to help me. How do you think that's going to make me feel? Is that supposed to be encouragement for me to start taking better care of myself? You made me feel worthless. I know now that you expected more of me, and that you were holding me to a higher standard than what I was, but the way you went around expressing it was hurtful. I hope you see that I'm doing so much better now, but it took so much work to get here. It would've been nice if you stayed around to see me grow like this because I know you would've been proud if we were still friends. I'm sorry that such a great friendship ended.
To Lily. We aren't really friends, just classmates. I have taken in that you're a generous, funny person, who doesn't allow people to walk all over them. You're assertive, and an activist. But when you said under your breath that you "don't really care about the Holocaust because [you're] black and Jewish people don't know what that's like," it was kind of difficult for me to hold back my words. I wish I had told you that although you can't know my religion as up-front as someone can know your race, I wear my religion on my sleeve. I am proud of my religion, and the Holocaust was a racial genocide that killed millions of Jews, people who are disabled, and people of other genders and sexual identities. The prejudice that people of your race face does not mean that the prejudice that people of my religion face is invalid. I support you in your activism, as I believe that it will make the world a better place, and I believe that the prison system and racism in our country is something that needs to be attacked. I wish I had said to you, "We both face prejudice for different reasons. We should be uplifting of each other in our accomplishments on perseverance, not trying to tear each other down. It only brings both of us down further, when we should be joining hands in facing up against the true enemy: racism in America."
To Tony. You and I have had our quarrels, and you've watched me grow up. It's difficult to have a good read on your character because while you say things to put me down to my face, you seem to support me behind the scenes. It's confusing to me to hear from someone close to me that you find certain things about my life unfair, when you tell me that I need to get over them to my face. I cannot help the fact that I have to work through school. I enjoy it, and it's giving me valuable experience that will come in handy with my future careers. Yes, I miss out on football games, and have lost time with my family and friends because of it. It is true that if I didn't have to have a job, I probably wouldn't. My mental, social, and physical health would be better if I didn't have a job while attending school. However, I don't complain about it. I wish I had said to you, "Stop pestering me about my job. I don't care that much about football games, and I don't think getting wasted every weekend like some of my peers is fun. There's more to life than just what you think would be good for me. Leave me alone about it, unless you're willing to actually do something about it other than bug me how I need to be more involved with my school community."
To Mary and Alice. I'm sorry that I've drifted away from you both. I feel like it's been so long since we've seen each other that it would be difficult to re-integrate myself into the group. I wish I was a better friend, and I'm going to try harder when this whole shelter-in-place thing is over. I wish I had said to you both that I care about you guys so much. I wish I had told you that it's difficult for me to find the motivation sometimes to see people because I'm so exhausted from work and school most of the time. I wish I had tried to stay longer the last couple of times when we hung out, and I wish I'd told you about how bad my anxiety is and that I get anxious that you guys get tired of me, even though I'm always the first person to leave the party. That's actually why I'm always the first person to leave.I wish I'd told you about what's really going on inside my head, like real friends do, instead of just masking it with "I'm tired," or "I have homework."
This is all very personal, and I doubt that anyone actually took the time to read it. With the COVID-19 pandemic, in between work and online school I've had a lot of time to just sit around and think. It's becoming more increasingly difficult to just sit and think about things without actually doing something about them. There's many other things I wish I had said to people, many more wishes on the stairs. I hope that this encourages people to express what they feel because your words are important, and you deserve to be heard.
