I love my husband, but I put myself before him. It’s not for any evil "stick it to the man" thing. I learned the hard way, eight years ago, that even a seemingly perfect marriage can have its dark side. It was this time of absolute misery in my life that I found the balance between him and me. It was a much-needed lesson that taught me that putting myself first is a good thing.

There’s so much wrong with giving all of yourself to a relationship. Whether it’s a spouse, partner, friend, or even your children, giving 100% of yourself is too much. You need to have some of yourself left for you. Some dichotomy between you and your spouse or significant other is important to developing a healthy relationship both with your partner and yourself.

I found out when I caught the love of my life cheating on me that I didn’t know who I was without him. I knew I wanted out of the marriage, but I had no clue how I would survive without him to support me. I was a woman with a decent paying customer service job for a durable medical equipment company. I could certainly help myself, but since I depended on him for everything I had no faith in my ability to do so. I also felt that his cheating meant I was a failure. Who was I without a husband? “I’m a good wife!” I’d yell at him, but was I anything other than a wife and stepmother?

Having given all of myself to love and support my husband without reserving anything for myself left me with a substantial personal deficit. I felt so worthless without my husband that I attempted suicide. I failed, a small blessing I owe to a dog, but that’s another story.

Like many women, I lost myself into what is supposed to be marital bliss. That mental oblivion where your husband and children come first, and you come last. I learned it from my mother. My mother bought herself new shoes maybe twice in my childhood, but we had clothes every new school year. She would force us to eat meals neither she nor we liked because dad liked them. We all sacrificed for dad and in an unconscious way she made us resent him for the meals we hated and a handful of other things. We loved Dad; we just didn’t like all things we had to do because Mom said Dad liked or wanted them.

Giving wholly of ourselves is not just our mother’s influence, it’s cultural. According to Tara Hunt’s article, Would You Sacrifice Love for Greatness, on forbes.com the Boston Consulting Group says the majority of responsibility in the home falls on working women. According to a Pews Research poll, 47% of Americans feel the mother should work part-time, and 33% felt she shouldn’t work at all, This is what American society deems best for a mother with children. On the other hand, 70% of Americans felt men were better off working even if they had children. It’s culturally the norm for women to have to give up something as important as a career for her husband and children. Women are also more likely to give up a job or promotion or cut their hours for their family than a man is. We’re expected to sacrifice our careers for our partners.

Careers are important to us. We didn’t go to college thinking, oh well, I’m going to go to college, study hard, go into massive amounts of student loan debt just to give up my dream career to raise children and sacrifice myself to a husband. We go to college to self-actualize, to find ourselves, and become the person we dream of being, whether it is a ballerina or an astronaut.There’s an enormous amount of dissonance between what we want for ourselves and what we actually do for ourselves.

After months of listening to a psychologist tell me what I needed to do to fulfill my husband and make him happier and comfortable with our relationship I finally spoke up for myself. His response, “All I hear when you open your mouth is blah, blah, blah.” It was at that moment that I realized I didn’t matter in my marriage. I had become chattel.

I left the counseling session that night and told my husband I would never go back. I finally determined to take care of myself first. I signed up for Weight Watchers, joined roller derby, and threw myself back into the career I wanted to work instead of the one I worked to earn enough money to support my family. Did my family fall apart? No, but I found out how brave and strong a woman I am.

I learned a lot about myself over the next five or six years. I had listened to people talk down to me all my life, but now I was talking up to myself. Once I started doing that people took me seriously. I found out who I was. I am an intelligent, creative, fun loving person who wants to be active on the beach and in the ocean. Much to my surprise, I became an athlete. I obtained more respect at work when I began exuding the confidence that came from making myself remarkable through proving my worthiness to myself.

Best of all my marriage is great once more. It takes years of dedication to fixing damage like that, but when my husband saw the new improved me, he fell in love with me all over. I don’t give him all of me. I divide myself up between personal time, hobbies, school, and friends. He’s now aware that I am someone without him which makes him rethink my significance to him.

I also stopped spending all my money on necessities, gifts, activities, and trips for my stepchildren. They didn’t appreciate much of it anyways. I was always walking on busted toys and gaming cards that littered the floors. They rarely wore the trendy clothes I bought them favoring what they brought from their mother’s house. So, I spent that money on myself. Amazingly, they weren’t unhappy or disappointed. I finally had attractive, in style clothes and shoes which boosted my self-confidence. It also felt fantastic not to feel guilty for buying me beautiful things.

The best part about spending money on clothing and other items that made me feel better about myself is my husband started to find me sexy again. I’d put on a great outfit and walk around with pride. He’d see this and tell me that he loved the way I swayed in my high heeled boots, or he thought I looked sexy. It went further than talk though. My husband became passionate with me again. The passion that disappeared from our marriage was back.

Putting myself first has also improved my family’s health. Yes, I need to lose weight, so I eat healthily, therefore, my family eats healthy by force, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Everyone benefits from a healthy diet. I started roller derby and HIIT shortly before my oldest began high school. He was a tall, skinny, role-playing geek, but in high school, he became a track runner who lifted weights with his friends. I can’t entirely confirm it was all my doing, but I can’t help but think that my change in attitude towards exercising changed his opinion as well.

I recently went back to school to finally obtain a bachelor degree. I have an associate degree, but those are worthless when it comes to jobs. They’re good for lateral moves, but that’s about it. Now my oldest, who dropped out of college when life got too hectic for him, is talking about returning to college and my youngest stepson is in his first year of college. Like me, he changed his major many times before finally deciding which path to pursue. I’d like to think that I had something to do with that. Why, because they don’t see me as living vicariously through them. They know me as a leader by example, something I wasn’t doing when I was giving 100% of myself to my marriage.

Let’s face it, giving our all to someone and leaving nothing for us is exhausting. Think of all those late nights and early mornings you spent giving up your needs to take care of everyone else. Now think of how incredible it will be to say to your partner, “It’s your turn. You handle this. I’m taking time for me.” There’s empowerment in realizing you matter as an individual, that you are not there for the service of everyone else.

I love being me. My life has improved immensely since learned who I am when I am not a wife and stepmother only. My family’s life has been better since I put up boundaries and took part of myself away from them. It turns out there’s no harm in being selfish if you’re still willing to share with others. I never stopped caring for my family. Instead, I encourage them to be more self-sufficient. How they view me and how they treat me has changed for the better. The woman I have become by putting myself first inspires my family to be better themselves.